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Sometimes it feels like guys and girls speak different languages when it comes to love. If you think that the special girl in your life isn't getting the message that you love her, you have to make an extra effort to show her how you feel. It's all about finding a balance between giving her love and affection and accepting her individuality. If you want to know how to love a girl, see Step 1 to get started.
This article is based on an interview with our licensed marriage and family therapist, Allen Wagner. Check out the full interview here.
Steps
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Be affectionate. Most girls love getting showered with affection and compliments from a guy they care about. Some girls can be insecure, and love being reassured a lot. To be affectionate, just give her a gentle touch, put your arm around her, hold her hand, or do whatever you can do to give her a little bit of physical touch. This doesn't mean you have to use everything you have on her, pick the right moments to let her know you care and it'll mean a lot more than having your arm around her for four hours.
- Giving her a little kiss on the cheek or a squeeze of the hand is another way to be affectionate.
- If holding hands isn't your thing, you can put your hand on the small of her back when you're walking.
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Be supportive. If you want to love your girl, then you have to support her as much as you can. Being supportive means anything from showing up to her soccer games to encouraging her to apply for a job even if she's worried she won't get an interview. You should be there to lift her up, not put her down, and let her know you think she's amazing and capable of anything she puts her mind to. This doesn't mean you have to follow her around and be her cheerleader at all times, she should support you too, but it does mean that you should let her know that you will help her succeed in any way she wants.
- Sometimes, this may mean just supporting her when she is upset, sad, or confused. You have to be there for her during the good times and the bad.
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Be a gentleman. You don't have to transform your whole personality and start throwing your jacket over puddles to show the girl you love her. However, if you want to show her that you care, then yeah, you should probably stop belching and scratching yourself when you're hanging out. Otherwise, she'll feel like one of the guys, and you have to make an effort to make her feel different from your bros. Make sure to hold open doors for her, pull out her chair when you're on a dinner date, let her walk in front of you when you walk into a place, and give her your jacket when she's cold.
- Being a gentleman will make her feel like you're paying special attention to her. If you want her to feel loved, then you've got to make that extra effort.
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Be thoughtful. It can be hard for a lot of guys to know what it means to be thoughtful. Basically, it means that you should really put some thought and effort into how you treat your girl, based on what you think she will or will not like. So, take the time to really listen to her when she speaks, and to know what makes her tick. [1] X Expert Source Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
Marriage & Family Therapist Expert Interview. 6 March 2019. If it's the morning before her dance recital, send her flowers. If she's having a rough week, write her a love letter. If you're at the movies, get up to get her favorite snack. Take the time to get to know what will make her happy, and make the effort to give that to her.- If you know she's feeling low, acknowledge her moods and say, "I can imagine that you would feel..." while you shouldn't say you know exactly how she feels, put in the effort to let her know you've thought about what's going through her head.
- Pay attention. If she mentions a book she'd like to read or a new album she hasn't heard yet, give them to her as a small gift. She might say, "I can't believe you remembered that!" Now, that's love.
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Be understanding. If you want to love the girl, then you have to be understanding of the fact that she's only human and has flaws, needs, and desires, just like everyone else. You can't expect her to be perfect or to live up to some unreasonable expectations. If she makes a mistake, don't spend weeks being resentful and being dismissive of her. If she flakes on you once, don't sulk about it for days. Obviously, if she mistreats you constantly, then you should reevaluate your relationship, but if she has a few bad days here and there, don't act like it's the end of the world. [2] X Research source
- Think about it: maybe she's having a really hard time adjusting to a demanding new job. Maybe she's suffering emotionally because her grandmother or mother recently passed away. Try to see things from her perspective before you get angry or start a fight.
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Know when to give her space. Part of loving a girl is knowing when you should back off a little bit. Maybe she's had a bad week and really wants to be alone; respect that. Maybe she wants to have a night out with her girlfriends; tell her you hope she has a great time and don't text her every five seconds to make sure she's not flirting with some other guy. If you don't smother her, she'll feel your love more, and she'll love the fact that you respect her individuality. [3] X Research source
- However, it can be tricky. You have to recognize whether she really doesn't need your support, or if she's just saying that because she doesn't want to be a burden. You have to figure this one out on a case by case basis.
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Be romantic. If you want to love a girl, then you have to make some romantic gestures to let her know that you really care about her. Don't do anything that feels forced or just completely unnatural to you, but make an effort to make your girl feel extra special. [4] X Expert Source Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
Marriage & Family Therapist Expert Interview. 6 March 2019. This can mean sending her flowers, buying her a box of chocolates, or doing something a bit more original that reflects on the nature of your relationship. Here are some other ways you can be romantic:- Write her a sweet message in a card just because.
- Make her a delicious home cooked meal.
- Tell her you love her at the right moments.
- Write or recite her a poem.
- Take her dancing.
- Go on a moonlit walk.
- Have an impromptu picnic.
- Take her to a jazz concert.
- Write love notes to her.
- Serenade her with love songs.
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Be open with her. If you are used to keeping your thoughts and feelings to yourself, try speaking up more often. Maybe you don't open up because that also means opening yourself up to being teased or rejected, but by being more open, your relationship with this girl can become more intimate, and love thrives on intimacy. [5] X Expert Source Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
Marriage & Family Therapist Expert Interview. 6 March 2019. You don't have to tell her every little thing about yourself right away, but you should work on being more open and telling her things you don't normally tell anyone. This will show her that you love her and that she stands out from the rest. [6] X Research source- Being open relates to being honest. Though you don't have to tell her about how you saw a cute girl walking by that day, you should be as honest as you can without needlessly hurting her.
- If she's opening up to you a lot and you don't give her a lot to work with, then she may feel like you're not as invested in the relationship. Of course, some guys are a lot less open than others, but you should work on being as open as you can with her while still feeling like you're being yourself.
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Ask questions about her life. Get to know her. Show her that you're interested in who she is as a person, what she's thinking, and what she's been up to. You don't have to interrogate her to make her feel like you really care about her. When you're together, ask her how her day went. Ask about her plans for the next day. When you really get to know each other, ask her about her plans for the future. Here are some other things you can ask her about to let her know you love her: [7] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
- Her passions
- Her friendships
- Her family
- Her worries and fears
- Her goals
- Her everyday life
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Give her meaningful compliments. If you want to love a girl, then you have to let her know she is loved. This doesn't mean you have to compliment her every five seconds, or it will begin to feel like you're not being sincere. Instead, just giving her a few meaningful and unique compliments can be much more effective than giving her so many compliments that she doesn't even hear them anymore. Work to compliment a unique aspect of her personality or her looks, or something else about her. Here are some examples of compliments you can give her: [8] X Research source
- "You're so good at staying positive in the middle of a bad time. I wish I knew how to do that."
- "Your friends all love you so much. You're so supportive."
- "I love the color of your eyes. I've never seen eyes with flecks of hazel like that."
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Ask for her opinion. If you want to love her, then you have to view her as an equal. You can't just treat her like a prize or a trophy; let her know that her opinions matter to you. Make an effort to ask her what she thinks about everything from current events to what you should do with your life. Take the time to pick her brain and see how she really feels about things; girls need to feel like you respect their intelligence. Here are some things you can ask her about: [9] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
- What you should do in a certain situation
- Current events
- Her thoughts on movies, albums, and books
- Anything you're unsure about
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Check in with her. You should also pay attention to what you say when you're not with the girl. While you shouldn't call her and text her every five seconds, you should make an effort to let her know you're thinking about her when you're not together. If you're apart for a day or two, make sure to call her or text her to check in so she knows you're thinking about her. If she's away for the weekend for something big like a wedding or tournament, make sure to see how it went. Let her know that you don't just stop thinking about her the second you're apart.
- On the other hand, don't make her feel smothered. If you know she's going to be super busy, you have to be comfortable with letting her do her own thing instead of getting in her way.
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Know when she doesn't want to talk. Sometimes, when she says she doesn't want to talk about it, she really means it. If something bad happened to her, she may just need some time for it to sink in. Don't bother her or pry too much if you can tell she's really just not in the mood to talk about it. This can make her more agitated and even less likely to want to talk to you. You may feel like the best way to show your love is to keep bothering her to talk, but sometimes the best way to show your love is just to back away a little bit.
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Say you're sorry when you need to. If you want to love a girl, then you have to let her know when you've made a mistake. If you've done something wrong, it's important to apologize -- and mean it. Don't just deny what you did and hope that you can both move on with your lives. If you want the girl to really love and respect you and to see that you care for her, then it's important to apologize when you've made a mistake and to make an effort not to do it again. [10] X Research source
- Look her in the eyes when you apologize. Show her that you really care.
- Don't say, "I'm sorry that you were upset when I…" Really make it clear that you know that you have made a mistake.
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Communicate like a pro. If you want to love a girl, then you have to know how to talk to her. This means being able to tell your side of the story while also hearing her out. It means learning to compromise, to find a way to make each other feel happy. It means listening to your girl without interrupting. And it also means picking your battles. You should work on having much more positive interactions than fights, and on letting her know how you really feel instead of keeping your feelings bottled up inside.
- If you want your love to last, then it's absolutely important to remember that it's better to be happy than to be right. Work on finding a way to make you both feel respected and fulfilled than just on getting your way all the time.
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Make sure you share some interests. If you want to show your love to your girl long term, then you've got to have at least a few things that you love to do together. This can be going on long morning hikes, reading together at a coffee shop, checking out your favorite museums on Sundays, going to see your favorite band play live, or really anything that makes you both happy and that you love doing together. While you shouldn't have all of the same interests, you should have at least a few things that you both care about so you can make your love last.
- As relationships progress, it's easy for couples to feel like they have nothing in common anymore. That's why it's important to find things that you always love doing together.
- If both of you are getting sick of one of your favorite interests, don't just drop it. Find something to do in its place.
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Keep things fresh. Though it's important to find a comfortable routine of doing a few things that you love together, it's equally important to mix things up and to do new things as often as you can. Maybe you've been playing pool together for years, and it's time to switch to darts. Maybe you've been vacationing in Tahoe every summer; it could be time to try Yosemite. Make an effort to do new things together so you can love your girl forever. [11] X Research source
- Be spontaneous. Though planning is great, so is taking a surprise last minute trip, or buying tickets to a concert at the last second.
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Maintain some of your independence. If you want to love your girl, then you have to love her and yourself as individuals. Make sure you don't lose sight of who you are as a person and she'll love you even more and see that you love her more for it. If you continue to follow your own interests, spend time with your friends, and do some things apart, you'll actually be loving your girl even more because you'll be showing that you're comfortable enough with your relationship that you don't have to spend every second together.
- And make sure she maintains her independence, too. If you're both going out into the world and doing your own thing, you'll have more to talk about when you're together. If you're spending 24/7 together, then you'll quickly run out of things to talk about.
Esther Perel, PsychotherapistShared experience and individuality are both important in a healthy relationship. "Love rests on two pillars: surrender and autonomy. Our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separateness."
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Always tell her you love her. It doesn't matter if you've been together for 8 or 80 years. You always have to make the effort to tell your girl you love her, whether you just say it, or you write it in a card. Never think that you don't have to say "I love you" because your girl should know how you feel. That's just never the case. Tell her you love her in the morning, in the evening, or whenever the moment strikes you. Just don't let a day go by without saying it.
- There's a difference between saying, "Love you!" and, "I love you." Make the effort to really say it.
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Keep your romance alive. If you want to love a girl, then you have to keep the passion and romance in your relationship alive. Even if you're living together or even married, it doesn't mean you have to stop being romantic because you've been together so long. Remember that the chase is never over and that you have to work on setting a romantic mood, making your girl feel special and loved, and taking the time to pay attention to your girl.
- Stick to your date nights. Don't let anything get in the way of that weekly time you spend together.
- You should both really dress up and go out for a nice, romantic dinner once in a while just to keep your love strong, no matter how busy you are.
- Never stop trying to charm or romance your girlfriend. If you want to make love last, then you should both always continue to make an effort.
- Never interrupt her while she is talking or talk back to her. It is rude and disrespectful.
- Don't just love your girlfriend, be the person your girlfriend wants to love .
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QuestionHow can I make a girl fall in love with me?Allen Wagner is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based in Los Angeles, California. After working as a therapist at the Children’s Bureau and Penny Lane Centers, he opened his own practice in 2008. Allen works with both individuals and couples and has 20 years of experience as a therapist. Allen specializes in helping clients improve their relationships, assisting people in managing life transitions, improving communication in all environments, and identifying realistic and positive goals. Alongside his wife Talia Wagner, he authored the book "Married Roommates". He received an MA in Psychology from Pepperdine University and a BA in Film and Creative Writing from the University of Arizona.You can't force someone to love you, nor should you try. If it's meant to be, it will be, but your goal shouldn't be to manipulate or trick someone into liking you. Just spend time with them and give the relationship time to develop organically.
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QuestionHow can I show a girl that I like her?Allen Wagner is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based in Los Angeles, California. After working as a therapist at the Children’s Bureau and Penny Lane Centers, he opened his own practice in 2008. Allen works with both individuals and couples and has 20 years of experience as a therapist. Allen specializes in helping clients improve their relationships, assisting people in managing life transitions, improving communication in all environments, and identifying realistic and positive goals. Alongside his wife Talia Wagner, he authored the book "Married Roommates". He received an MA in Psychology from Pepperdine University and a BA in Film and Creative Writing from the University of Arizona.You could try giving her a gift, or just telling her how you feel. It all depends on how she likes to communicate and interact with others.
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QuestionHow can I make sure my relationship lasts?Allen Wagner is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based in Los Angeles, California. After working as a therapist at the Children’s Bureau and Penny Lane Centers, he opened his own practice in 2008. Allen works with both individuals and couples and has 20 years of experience as a therapist. Allen specializes in helping clients improve their relationships, assisting people in managing life transitions, improving communication in all environments, and identifying realistic and positive goals. Alongside his wife Talia Wagner, he authored the book "Married Roommates". He received an MA in Psychology from Pepperdine University and a BA in Film and Creative Writing from the University of Arizona.The key ingredient in any lasting relationship is respect. You have to have a mutual respect and understanding for one another. Don't criticize your partner excessively, and do your best to validate their feelings. Be vulnerable and open when it comes to communication. That's a winning formula for a lasting, healthy relationship.
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References
- ↑ Allen Wagner, MFT, MA. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 6 March 2019.
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-better-understand-your-partner/
- ↑ https://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/forget-sex-the-secret-to-a-longlasting-relationship-is-space-20121105-28tle.html
- ↑ Allen Wagner, MFT, MA. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 6 March 2019.
- ↑ Allen Wagner, MFT, MA. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 6 March 2019.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-power-prime/201409/is-emotional-openness-the-key-healthy-relationships
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/28447835
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/why-compliments-are-powerful/
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/28447835
About This Article
Article Summary
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To love a girl, be affectionate by giving her a gentle touch while talking, putting your arm around her, holding hands, or giving her a kiss on the cheek. You’ll also want to support her as much as you can, which includes everything from encouraging her to follow her passions to helping her when she’s sad. However, loving a girl also means knowing when to give her space. For example, if she’s had a bad week and wants a night out with the girls, tell her you hope she has a great time and don’t text her every five minutes. If you don’t smother her, she’ll feel your love and trust even more. To learn how to give a girl meaningful compliments, keep reading!
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