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Find out what leads to mother issues—and how they may be affecting your relationship
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Dating is tricky, period, but dating a guy with mommy issues is another type of complicated. Let’s be honest, most of us have “mommy issues” on some level, but there are a few ways to figure out if your boyfriend or husband is really suffering from a fractured relationship with his mother (or if you think you yourself might be a man with mother issues). Keep reading: we’ve compiled a guide to mommy issues in men—what they are, how to recognize them in a guy, and what to do if you’re struggling with the “mother wound” yourself.
Things You Should Know
- Mommy issues are mother-child attachment issues that are carried over into adulthood from childhood.
- In romantic relationships, a person with mommy issues may subconsciously try to recreate the dynamic they had with their mother.
- Signs a man has mommy issues include extreme attachment to or estrangement from his mother, resentment or mistreatment of women, and deep insecurity.
- Mommy issues can be overcome with time, awareness, support from friends, and perhaps professional therapy.
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Section 2 of 4:
Signs of Mommy Issues in Men
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Difficulty establishing intimate relationships A toxic relationship with his mother may lead a man to struggle with trusting people in the future, especially female romantic partners. He may be exceptionally anxious and clingy toward his partner, or he may be extremely avoidant or dismissive—or he may have a mixed attachment style, sometimes called a disorganized attachment style. [3] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
- A man with mommy issues may struggle to be vulnerable with his romantic partner out of fear of abandonment.
- His inability to trust others may result in intense insecurity, jealousy, and suspicion.
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Entitlement If a man’s mother was overprotective of him while he was growing up, he may carry that into adulthood and expect—likely subconsciously—that his romantic partners will care for him in the same way. This entitlement may be an indication that he didn’t have enough independence or control over his own life when he was growing up. [4] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
- Paradoxically, his expectation that a romantic partner will be overprotective in the same way as his mother may be a reflection on both his lack of autonomy and his desire for control.
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Infidelity Men with mother issues may be more likely to cheat on their partners due to their unstable relationship with their mother in childhood. If they were abandoned or neglected by their mother growing up, they may experience an emotional void as an adult that they struggle to fill with their romantic partner; they may cheat to try to fill that void.
- A man with mommy issues may also struggle with feelings of entitlement if their mother was overindulgent or controlling while he was a child, and therefore his infidelity may be a result of his selfishness.
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Oversensitivity to criticism A man who was excessively coddled by his mother may grow up hypersensitive to any sort of criticism, especially criticism from his romantic partner. Valid complaints, even gently worded critiques, may be met with defensiveness, stonewalling, or even aggression.
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Excessive caretaking While some men’s mommy issues may manifest as extreme neediness and a lack of independence, a man who was forced to take care of his mother as a child may struggle with excessive caretaking tendencies as an adult. He may treat romantic partners, especially female romantic partners, how he treated his mother: like a child. [5] X Research source
- Men who struggle with this particular mother wound may have had a mother who suffered from extreme mental illness, addiction, or another condition or situation in which she relied on her child to tend to her needs.
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Intense attachment to his mother A man with mommy issues may be ultra-close to his mother to the point that he defers to her over his own romantic partner or even his own self. This lack of healthy boundaries with his mother may be a result of his not getting enough approval or attention from her when he was a child, or it could be a result of his getting too much attention from her growing up.
- He may compare his romantic partner to his mother, which can put a strain on his romantic relationship. Some experts believe this stems from struggles with the Oedipal complex—the idea that as a child the man experienced subconscious desire for his mother and animosity toward his father. [6] X Research source
- If his mother doesn’t approve of his romantic partner, it could have consequences for the relationship, as he is likely to defer to his mother’s opinion and take instructions from her.
- His mother may be his best friend, even above his romantic partner, and he may share secrets with her before anyone else.
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Estrangement from his mother Mommy issues are often characterized by an extreme relationship to the mother—either over-attachment or intense detachment. If a man with mommy issues isn’t overly close to his mother, he may be extremely distant from her even to the point of estrangement. [7] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
- He may avoid discussing his childhood or aspects of his upbringing out of reluctance to revisit memories of his mother. [8] X Research source
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Lack of respect for women If a man is disdainful or resentful towards women, including his romantic partner, it may stem from a toxic mother-son relationship. He may have carried his relationship with a neglectful, controlling, humiliating, or in other ways toxic mother over into adulthood, and displaced his loathing of his mother onto his romantic partner and women in general.
- Many men who mistreat or think lowly of women may in fact not disrespect women, but just one woman: their mother. They may take their frustration or other unresolved issues with their mother out on other women. [9] X Research source
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Section 3 of 4:
What to Do if Your Partner Has Mommy Issues
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Address the problems with your partner. If you’re involved with a man who suffers from mommy issues, it could affect your relationship in a myriad of ways, but it doesn’t have to spell doom for your relationship. Let your partner know how his mommy issues are affecting your relationship, and set boundaries with him by communicating your needs and expectations clearly.
- “Joe, I’m really invested in our relationship, but sometimes I worry you’re not fully emotionally available. Can we talk about this? I’d love to be closer.”
- “I love you, Klaus, but sometimes it feels like you’re closer to your mother than you are to me. It makes me feel a little uncomfortable.”
- “Diego, sometimes you compare me to your mother, and I have to say it really makes me feel bad about myself. Can we discuss that?”
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Set boundaries with his mother. After discussing the issues you’re experiencing with your partner, set boundaries with his mother, if applicable. If she exhibits controlling behavior, if she and her son are too close for comfort, or if she’s overly involved in your relationship, both of you must set respectful but firm boundaries with his mother. If she doesn’t respect them, it may be best to distance yourselves from her. [10] X Research source
- “Joann, you’re such a great cook, but I really wish you wouldn’t come over for dinner unannounced. In the future, let’s not do pop-in visits, all right?”
- “Beth, you’ve expressed strong opinions about my role in my relationship with your son, and I really don’t think it’s your place to do so.”
- Though you may set boundaries with your partner’s mother, ideally, your partner will set boundaries on behalf of you both. If your partner doesn’t support the boundaries you establish with his mother, it may be time to reevaluate your relationship.
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Seek therapy. Mommy issues are incredibly common, and most therapists are familiar with the terrain. If your partner struggles with unresolved mommy issues, it might benefit him, you, or both of you to seek professional help from a licensed counselor. [11] X Research source
- While encouraging your partner to speak with a licensed professional, you should also try to communicate with and understand your partner's perspective.
- Reader Poll: We asked 633 wikiHow readers and 57% agreed that the best way to support someone with a complex parent relationship is to show empathy and be a supportive listener . [Take Poll]
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Section 4 of 4:
What to Do if You Have Mommy Issues
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Accept that you have mother issues and try to learn more about them. If you, yourself, are a man struggling with mommy issues, exploring the psychology behind this condition can help you to keep it in check. Ask yourself what the symptoms of your mommy issues are (since you might not have them all!) and where you think they may have come from. [12] X Research source
- If someone in your life, such as your romantic partner, points out that you may struggle with mother issues, try not to shut down or dismiss them. Instead, try to listen calmly to what they say and how your relationship with your mother makes them feel.
- Just as important as keeping your mother issues in check is being compassionate with yourself. In pop culture and the media, mommy issues can be taken too lightly and treated with disdain, but there's nothing to be ashamed of here. The dynamics established in childhood aren’t your fault.
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Get support. Men with mother issues can find solace in trusted friends and maybe even therapy . Talking through your struggles with sounding boards—your frustration, fear, insecurity, what have you—can help you to master them. [13] X Research source
- It may help you to talk to friends who have dealt with similar issues.
- Consider seeking support from a therapist who specialize in parent-child relationships.
- If you have any siblings, it’s possible they struggle with similar issues as you, and they could be great resources as you work to heal from your relationship with your mother.
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Establish healthy boundaries with your mother. Having mommy issues means you likely struggle to maintain healthy boundaries with your mother. Establishing better boundaries with your mother will likely help improve your interpersonal relationships across the board, as well as boost your self-esteem. [14] X Research source
- Establishing boundaries essentially means communicating your needs clearly and consistently. This will look different for every person: what’s healthy for you may not be healthy for someone else.
- For instance, forming a healthy boundary with your mother may involve restarting a relationship with her if you’ve been estranged and want to be closer, but it may also mean going no-contact if you feel it’s the safest thing to do.
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Expert Interview
Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about relationships, check out our in-depth interview with Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS .
References
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2724160/
- ↑ https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/914440/
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2724160/
- ↑ https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/914440/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/addiction-and-recovery/201910/the-mother-wound
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/life-after-50/201804/the-oedipal-complex
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2724160/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/childhood-emotional-neglect/202205/how-emotional-neglect-disrupts-mother-child-relationships
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/one-true-thing/201905/david-shields-men-metoo-and-mommy-issues
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/addiction-and-recovery/201910/the-mother-wound
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/addiction-and-recovery/201910/the-mother-wound
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/invisible-bruises/202207/6-steps-toward-recovery-toxic-relationship
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/invisible-bruises/202207/6-steps-toward-recovery-toxic-relationship
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/pain-explained/201912/how-set-boundaries-family
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