8 Ways to Stop Feeling Jealous After a Break Up

PDF download Download Article
A guide to letting go of jealousy when your ex moves on
PDF download Download Article

Even if a break-up was inevitable and you're sure you are better off, it's commonplace to wonder how they've been doing, what they've been up to, and most importantly, whether they still miss you or they've moved on. Post break-up jealousy is sometimes an even bigger issue than the feelings you ultimately had during the relationship. When faced with the new dates your ex is going out with, it can raise your basic instincts to wonder why you weren't good enough and why these people have what your ex was really after. With no ability to protest, and a lot of potential for feeling angry, betrayed and disappointed, you may feel overwhelming jealousy. Fortunately, it is absolutely possible to tame your jealousy and move forward in a calm, happy and mature way.

Things You Should Know

  • Focus on the positives around you: repeat to yourself that things will get better and feel gratefulness for your friends, family, and career.
  • Feel confident in yourself by putting on your favorite outfit. Take a friend with you when you go out to events to feel supported.
  • Keep yourself busy and fulfilled. Occupy your time with a new hobby, hang out with friends, and make time for self-care.

Steps

PDF download Download Article
  1. {"smallUrl":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/images\/thumb\/d\/db\/Come-to-Terms-with-Being-Transgender-As-a-Teen-Step-17.jpg\/v4-460px-Come-to-Terms-with-Being-Transgender-As-a-Teen-Step-17.jpg","bigUrl":"\/images\/thumb\/d\/db\/Come-to-Terms-with-Being-Transgender-As-a-Teen-Step-17.jpg\/v4-728px-Come-to-Terms-with-Being-Transgender-As-a-Teen-Step-17.jpg","smallWidth":460,"smallHeight":345,"bigWidth":728,"bigHeight":546,"licensing":"<div class=\"mw-parser-output\"><p>\u00a9 2024 wikiHow, Inc. All rights reserved. wikiHow, Inc. is the copyright holder of this image under U.S. and international copyright laws. This image is <b>not<\/b> licensed under the Creative Commons license applied to text content and some other images posted to the wikiHow website. This image may not be used by other entities without the express written consent of wikiHow, Inc.<br>\n<\/p><p><br \/>\n<\/p><\/div>"}
    Repeat to yourself as much as it takes that eventually everything will turn out for the better. Remember that it is not a real, physical factor that instigates your anger, fear and panic. There is nothing coming up that threatens you; rather, it's all inside of you and your job is to get rid of it in order to feel in harmony again. [1] Once you convince yourself you're safe, you will start feeling in control and capable of dealing with all sorts of negative emotions.
    • Take a head-on approach to your negative feelings. Rather than regarding them as inevitable and natural, seek ways to change them into helpful attitudes, ones that will support you rather than cause you to feel powerless and helpless. Be fully aware that negative emotions keep you connected to the loss, while a positive attitude allows you to let go of the person while still acknowledging that you once had a relationship with this person without causing you to feel upset. [2]
    • Be kind to yourself. Do you really need to put yourself through this? No! [3]
  2. {"smallUrl":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/images\/thumb\/4\/4c\/Recognize-and-Treat-PCOS-Depression-Step-2.jpg\/v4-460px-Recognize-and-Treat-PCOS-Depression-Step-2.jpg","bigUrl":"\/images\/thumb\/4\/4c\/Recognize-and-Treat-PCOS-Depression-Step-2.jpg\/v4-728px-Recognize-and-Treat-PCOS-Depression-Step-2.jpg","smallWidth":460,"smallHeight":345,"bigWidth":728,"bigHeight":546,"licensing":"<div class=\"mw-parser-output\"><p>\u00a9 2024 wikiHow, Inc. All rights reserved. wikiHow, Inc. is the copyright holder of this image under U.S. and international copyright laws. This image is <b>not<\/b> licensed under the Creative Commons license applied to text content and some other images posted to the wikiHow website. This image may not be used by other entities without the express written consent of wikiHow, Inc.<br>\n<\/p><p><br \/>\n<\/p><\/div>"}
    Focusing on the negative emotions will put you in a vulnerable position. You can easily confuse the anger and fear as meaning that you're still in love with your ex and that you need to get them back. Obsessing over their new flame - who they are, what they do, how they can be eliminated - is even worse and more dangerous. Thoughts about them will not help you realize what you don't like about yourself and what you need to change. Such thoughts will only trap you in more fear, self-doubt, pain, and jealousy and will prevent you from moving on. [4]
    • Bear in mind that dissecting the nitty gritty of what could or should have been is living in the past by letting nostalgia trap you into a past period of life. Although often stated, the apt adage "It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all" is as equally often overlooked; yet, it is far healthier to appreciate that you once loved this person but that now it is time to move on. It is possible to cherish the experience for what it was without letting it drag you back all the time. [5]
    • And if you really can't stop wondering, at its most basic, jealousy is about wanting something you feel you don't have. The only lesson for you to take away from this is to answer for yourself what it is that's missing inside of you and to remedy it by concentrating more on personal growth (see steps below). Think of it this way – even if you did get X person back, would this deep gnawing gap inside be filled? No – because no person can fill an internal dissatisfaction; only you have that power.
    Advertisement
  3. {"smallUrl":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/images\/thumb\/c\/c5\/Have-a-First-Kiss-Step-6-Version-5.jpg\/v4-460px-Have-a-First-Kiss-Step-6-Version-5.jpg","bigUrl":"\/images\/thumb\/c\/c5\/Have-a-First-Kiss-Step-6-Version-5.jpg\/v4-728px-Have-a-First-Kiss-Step-6-Version-5.jpg","smallWidth":460,"smallHeight":345,"bigWidth":728,"bigHeight":546,"licensing":"<div class=\"mw-parser-output\"><p>\u00a9 2024 wikiHow, Inc. All rights reserved. wikiHow, Inc. is the copyright holder of this image under U.S. and international copyright laws. This image is <b>not<\/b> licensed under the Creative Commons license applied to text content and some other images posted to the wikiHow website. This image may not be used by other entities without the express written consent of wikiHow, Inc.<br>\n<\/p><p><br \/>\n<\/p><\/div>"}
    Yes, look around - your home, your office, your family, friends, career, etc. Acknowledge all the great people and opportunities surrounding you. [6] Focus on the people who make you happy. Think of as many as possible nice things people have complimented you about; doing so will help you to start feeling confident and grateful , triggering you to want to accomplish more of the good stuff that brings you joy, salvages the burns from jealousy and fills the emptiness.
  4. {"smallUrl":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/images\/thumb\/9\/97\/Be-a-Happy-Single-Woman-Step-11.jpg\/v4-460px-Be-a-Happy-Single-Woman-Step-11.jpg","bigUrl":"\/images\/thumb\/9\/97\/Be-a-Happy-Single-Woman-Step-11.jpg\/v4-728px-Be-a-Happy-Single-Woman-Step-11.jpg","smallWidth":460,"smallHeight":345,"bigWidth":728,"bigHeight":546,"licensing":"<div class=\"mw-parser-output\"><p>\u00a9 2024 wikiHow, Inc. All rights reserved. wikiHow, Inc. is the copyright holder of this image under U.S. and international copyright laws. This image is <b>not<\/b> licensed under the Creative Commons license applied to text content and some other images posted to the wikiHow website. This image may not be used by other entities without the express written consent of wikiHow, Inc.<br>\n<\/p><p><br \/>\n<\/p><\/div>"}
    If you're extremely lucky, you will rarely or never see your ex and their new boy-/girlfriend again. However, if you cannot avoid bumping into them, make sure you're not alone whenever you know you can't avoid the awkward encounter. Having a buffer, an accomplice, will make you feel more secure. Friends and colleagues will also distract you and prevent you from obsessing over the happy couple.
    • Listen to your friends and family. It is possible that they have a sound perspective of the situation as it has developed and can provide you with solid advice for coping with it. Don't automatically assume that they'll say anything just to make you feel better; look for the gems of truth. [7]
  5. {"smallUrl":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/images\/thumb\/9\/93\/Avoid-Flirting-Step-14.jpg\/v4-460px-Avoid-Flirting-Step-14.jpg","bigUrl":"\/images\/thumb\/9\/93\/Avoid-Flirting-Step-14.jpg\/v4-728px-Avoid-Flirting-Step-14.jpg","smallWidth":460,"smallHeight":345,"bigWidth":728,"bigHeight":546,"licensing":"<div class=\"mw-parser-output\"><p>\u00a9 2024 wikiHow, Inc. All rights reserved. wikiHow, Inc. is the copyright holder of this image under U.S. and international copyright laws. This image is <b>not<\/b> licensed under the Creative Commons license applied to text content and some other images posted to the wikiHow website. This image may not be used by other entities without the express written consent of wikiHow, Inc.<br>\n<\/p><p><br \/>\n<\/p><\/div>"}
    Of course, you can't always be accompanied by someone else to help you balance the delicate situation. When the inevitable meet-up happens and you're by yourself, be both nice and reserved. [8] It is essential to be polite , but no one expects from you to treat them as your best buddies. Trying that would look both awkward and insincere and would only stress you more.
    • Have quick exit excuses already planned, such as: "It's great to see you Bob/Jane. I'm sorry I can't stay and chat, I've got a hair appointment I'm already late for."; or "Great to see you Bob/Jane! Wish I could talk but I've got to collect my boss from the airport and the traffic's bad."; or, simply: "Hi Bob/Jane. It's good to see you looking so well. I'll see you around!" You don't need to offer an explanation unless you want to, but try your best not to give away your feelings through facial expressions or by brushing them off rudely.
    EXPERT TIP

    Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

    Marriage & Family Therapist
    Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).
    Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
    Marriage & Family Therapist

    Know that it's normal to feel jealous when you see your ex move on. However, try to recognize if this jealousy is healthy or destructive. Watch out for red flags like constant suspicion of your ex's new partner or attempts to interfere in their life. If the jealousy overwhelms you, consider seeking professional help.

  6. {"smallUrl":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/images\/thumb\/1\/1d\/Dress-for-a-Broadway-Show-Step-13.jpg\/v4-460px-Dress-for-a-Broadway-Show-Step-13.jpg","bigUrl":"\/images\/thumb\/1\/1d\/Dress-for-a-Broadway-Show-Step-13.jpg\/v4-728px-Dress-for-a-Broadway-Show-Step-13.jpg","smallWidth":460,"smallHeight":345,"bigWidth":728,"bigHeight":546,"licensing":"<div class=\"mw-parser-output\"><p>\u00a9 2024 wikiHow, Inc. All rights reserved. wikiHow, Inc. is the copyright holder of this image under U.S. and international copyright laws. This image is <b>not<\/b> licensed under the Creative Commons license applied to text content and some other images posted to the wikiHow website. This image may not be used by other entities without the express written consent of wikiHow, Inc.<br>\n<\/p><p><br \/>\n<\/p><\/div>"}
    Look your best . This is not in order to make your ex realize what he or she's lost (and want you back) or to prove to anyone that you're better than their new beloved one. Do it because you deserve it, you owe it yourself to shine and show the world the best you can be. There is no better remedy for overcoming jealousy and spite than a fresh infusion of self-confidence . [9]
  7. {"smallUrl":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/images\/thumb\/8\/8b\/Be-Single-Step-10-Version-2.jpg\/v4-460px-Be-Single-Step-10-Version-2.jpg","bigUrl":"\/images\/thumb\/8\/8b\/Be-Single-Step-10-Version-2.jpg\/v4-728px-Be-Single-Step-10-Version-2.jpg","smallWidth":460,"smallHeight":345,"bigWidth":728,"bigHeight":546,"licensing":"<div class=\"mw-parser-output\"><p>\u00a9 2024 wikiHow, Inc. All rights reserved. wikiHow, Inc. is the copyright holder of this image under U.S. and international copyright laws. This image is <b>not<\/b> licensed under the Creative Commons license applied to text content and some other images posted to the wikiHow website. This image may not be used by other entities without the express written consent of wikiHow, Inc.<br>\n<\/p><p><br \/>\n<\/p><\/div>"}
    Finding something to keep you occupied constantly will take up all your time, ensuring that at the end of the day you'll be too tired and proud of your accomplishments to even think about negative stuff. On the other hand, this will guarantee you the admiration and jealousy (!) of the others and once again convince you how amazing you are. This can be a great opportunity to let your creative side blossom and to improve professional self if you treat it as a time of personal growth and allow yourself the necessary opportunities. [10]
  8. {"smallUrl":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/images\/thumb\/9\/9b\/Come-to-Terms-with-Being-Transgender-As-a-Teen-Step-7-Version-2.jpg\/v4-460px-Come-to-Terms-with-Being-Transgender-As-a-Teen-Step-7-Version-2.jpg","bigUrl":"\/images\/thumb\/9\/9b\/Come-to-Terms-with-Being-Transgender-As-a-Teen-Step-7-Version-2.jpg\/v4-728px-Come-to-Terms-with-Being-Transgender-As-a-Teen-Step-7-Version-2.jpg","smallWidth":460,"smallHeight":345,"bigWidth":728,"bigHeight":546,"licensing":"<div class=\"mw-parser-output\"><p>\u00a9 2024 wikiHow, Inc. All rights reserved. wikiHow, Inc. is the copyright holder of this image under U.S. and international copyright laws. This image is <b>not<\/b> licensed under the Creative Commons license applied to text content and some other images posted to the wikiHow website. This image may not be used by other entities without the express written consent of wikiHow, Inc.<br>\n<\/p><p><br \/>\n<\/p><\/div>"}
    Whatever you do, remember that all your actions should be focused on moving on. Once you become the most important person in your life, you'll realize you've been moving on so fast, that the past will be too far behind to think about. Your ex and the other woman/man will be just a vague memory, a part of your experience and nothing more. [11]
    9. Advertisement

The Takeaway: Dealing with Jealousy After Your Ex Moves On

Develop a positive mindset by focusing on good things around you, like your family, friends, and career. Boost your self-confidence by wearing your favorite outfits and pursuing hobbies that make you feel good. If you run into your ex, take the high road by being polite but reserved.

Expert Q&A

Search
Add New Question
  • Question
    How do I let go of jealousy?
    Lisa Shield
    Dating Coach
    Lisa Shield is a love and relationship expert based in Los Angeles. She has a Master's degree in Spiritual Psychology and is a certified life and relationship coach with over 17 years of experience. Lisa has been featured in The Huffington Post, Buzzfeed, LA Times, and Cosmopolitan.
    Lisa Shield
    Dating Coach
    Expert Answer
    Jealousy and insecurity come out of a lack of self love and self confidence. Sometimes, we start to feel threatened and insecure when we are vulnerable and don't know what we're doing. Knowledge is power, so try to be aware of these feelings. Understand that others have those same insecurities and fears. A lot of insecurities come from not understanding our partners.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
    If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
    Yes No
    Not Helpful 0 Helpful 9
  • Question
    How can I put myself out there again when I am hurt?
    Lisa Shield
    Dating Coach
    Lisa Shield is a love and relationship expert based in Los Angeles. She has a Master's degree in Spiritual Psychology and is a certified life and relationship coach with over 17 years of experience. Lisa has been featured in The Huffington Post, Buzzfeed, LA Times, and Cosmopolitan.
    Lisa Shield
    Dating Coach
    Expert Answer
    If you have trust issues, abandonment issues, or a fear of rejection, it’s super important to have a good, strong support system. Rely on your family and friends to be there for you and have your back. Consider working with a coach to make sense of your past, because if you don't understand the past, you can't move forward.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
    If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
    Yes No
    Not Helpful 0 Helpful 3
  • Question
    I still love him, I cannot help it.
    Community Answer
    Every person holds someone in their heart they have loved but lost. It's called experience and it is how life teaches us to process pain, to become a better and more caring person and to set boundaries early on so that we don't scare people with who we really are when it matters most. Your love reveals that you have a kind and gentle heart but there is nothing wrong with strengthening that with lessons learned. Love lost teaches you how to be more loving, more careful and more open next time around.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
    If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
    Yes No
    Not Helpful 13 Helpful 108
See more answers
Ask a Question
200 characters left
Include your email address to get a message when this question is answered.
Submit
      Advertisement

      Video

      Tips

      • Change, change, change! Reorganize your apartment, paint some walls, get a new hairstyle. When you're done, do the same thing for your best friend. Any new improvement in your life will refresh your mind and make you feel much better.
        Thanks
        Helpful 6 Not Helpful 1
      • Remember all those things you never had the time to do because you were too busy with your relationship? Indulge in that juicy pile of unread magazines, spend a whole weekend working on your car, prepare yourself that sinfully delicious looking dessert or go to that new store you always drive by but never went into. Now you have both the opportunity and the necessity to keep busy with pleasant activities like these.
        Thanks
        Helpful 5 Not Helpful 1
      • There are more people out there!
        Thanks
        Helpful 5 Not Helpful 4
      Submit a Tip
      All tip submissions are carefully reviewed before being published
      Name
      Please provide your name and last initial
      Submit
      Thanks for submitting a tip for review!
      Advertisement

      Warnings

      • Flirt, but carefully! It is never recommended to rush into a new relationship immediately after a break-up. Even less so if your motive is to even the score or make your ex jealous. In the end you will just have more issues to deal with. Instead allow yourself healthy little portions of non-engaging flirty chatting or dancing once in a while. But no serious dating until you feel the ability and need to commit again.
        Thanks
        Helpful 8 Not Helpful 3
      Advertisement

      Things You'll Need

      • Journal – for some people, writing down feelings is the best way of sorting through them
      • New opportunities and hobbies
      • Faith that everything will turn out the way it's meant to
      • Confidence in yourself
      • Trust in those whose only concern is you when they give advice/a shoulder to cry on . They are in a better place to see the bigger picture. Be humble, or, let the pain allow you to listen and take note. Then be proud you've done it!

      You Might Also Like

      How to
      Avoid Jealousy when Your Crush is Dating Your Enemy
      How to
      Get Over a Break Up
      How to
      Deal With a Jealous Person
      How to
      Handle Jealousy
      The 13 Best Ways to Deal with Jealousy
      How to
      Get Your Ex Back Fast by Text Message
      How to
      Get Your Ex Back
      How Long Before Your Ex Misses You? Signs and Triggers
      How to
      Get a Fearful Avoidant Back
      16 Ways to Tell If Your Ex Still Likes You (Even If They Say They Don’t)
      How to
      Use the No Contact Rule
      How to
      Win Him Back & Get Him Interested Again: 14 Expert Tips
      How to
      Make Him Miss You
      How to
      Get Your Ex Back Quickly
      Advertisement

      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/laugh-cry-live/201208/coping-distress-and-agony-after-break
      2. ↑ Stephanie Dowrick, Choosing Happiness , pp. 209-210, (2005), ISBN1-74114-521-X
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201301/the-break-cure-7-ways-heal-and-find-happiness-again
      4. ↑ Lisa Shield. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 13 December 2018.
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/laugh-cry-live/201306/after-the-break-bearing-the-pain-when-she-dates-others
      6. ↑ Lisa Shield. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 13 December 2018.
      7. ↑ Lisa Shield. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 13 December 2018.
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/laugh-cry-live/201208/coping-distress-and-agony-after-break
      9. ↑ Lisa Shield. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 13 December 2018.
      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/snow-white-doesnt-live-here-anymore/201308/how-act-after-break-5-things-remember
      2. ↑ Lisa Shield. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 13 December 2018.

      About This Article

      In other languages
      Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 446,753 times.

      Reader Success Stories

      • Nicole Hu

        Jun 6, 2016

        "Great advice. I was searching the internet for advice to help expedite the process of getting over my cheating ex. ..." more
      More reader stories Hide reader stories
      Share your story

      Did this article help you?

      Advertisement