A Step-by-Step Guide to Pick Guys up in Bars

A crash course in how to flirt and make a connection with a guy

Co-authored by Cher Gopman and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: November 2, 2023 References

Going out on the town with your friends is fun, but sometimes you might head out with a mission in mind. Approaching someone at a bar is a nerve-wracking experience, but there's no downside to saying hello and seeing what happens. Try to stay confident and break the ice with some flirty conversation to pick a guy up at a bar the next time you’re out and about.

Things You Should Know

Get the ball rolling by making eye contact with him and sending him a drink.
Introduce yourself and the guy for his name. From there, launch into a fun and flirtatious conversation.
Exchange numbers if the vibes seem good, and see if he wants to go home with you.

1

Find a guy in the bar who isn’t with a date.

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As you scan the crowd, make sure you’re looking for guys who don’t look like they’re on a date with another person. They might be with a group of friends or on their own, which means that they’re probably available. ^{[1]
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- There’s always a chance that a guy is in a relationship with someone who isn’t at the bar, in which case he might reject your advances.

2

Make eye contact from across the room.

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Before you approach someone, try catching their eye to see what their reaction is, then give them a smile. ^{[2]
X
Expert Source

Cher Gopman
Relationship Coach

Expert Interview. 17 May 2019.} If they hold eye contact with you or smile, they’re probably interested in having a conversation. ^{[3]
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Research source}
- If they don’t smile or immediately break eye contact, they might not be interested in you, which is okay.
- You could even give him a little wave to let him know you’re really interested.

3

Send a guy a drink to get your message across.

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If you’ve spotted a potential date and you want to be bold, ask the bartender to bring your guy a drink. You can write a note to go with it or just have the bartender point you out as they deliver your drink. Chances are, that will be an icebreaker enough, and the guy might come over to chat with you on his own.
- If you write a note with the drink, you could say something like, “Are we going to make eye contact all night, or should we actually introduce ourselves?”
- If you have the bartender point you out, give a smile and a wave once the guy looks over.

4

Break the ice with a flirtatious statement.

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As you walk over to the guy you spotted, try opening up with a funny quip about the bar or a compliment about their appearance. Keep a smile on your face so the guy knows you’re trying to flirt. ^{[4]
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Research source}
- For example, you could say, “I noticed your outfit from across the room. That jacket looks amazing on you!”
- Or, you could try, “A lot of oldies in the bar tonight, huh?”

5

Introduce yourself and ask for the guy’s name.

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Once the ice breakers are over, it’s time for a formal introduction. Keep it short and simple, and stick to what your name is before asking theirs. You can shake their hand if you want to seem cute and flirty. ^{[5]
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Research source}
- Try saying, “My name’s Jennifer. What’s yours?”
- Or, “Hi, I’m Robert. It’s really nice to meet you.”

6

Have a friendly, flirtatious conversation.

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Let your personality shine as you continue talking to your potential date. Ask him questions about his life, his hobbies, and what he does for a living. Try to keep the conversation light, and stick to topics that won’t start an argument or leave either of you feeling down. ^{[6]
X
Research source} ^{[7]
X
Expert Source

Cher Gopman
Relationship Coach

Expert Interview. 17 May 2019.}
- For example, you could say, “So what’s a handsome guy like you doing in a town like this?”
- Or, “Don't you just love Fridays?”
- Or even, “I love to dance, but I haven’t gone in forever.”

7

Touch his arm to let him know you’re interested.

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As you two chat with each other, try a bit of flirtatious touching to really get your message across. If you’re laughing at a joke, lightly touch his forearm to emphasize how funny it was. Or, go for a bold approach and ask to feel his muscles. ^{[8]
X
Research source} ^{[9]
X
Expert Source

Cher Gopman
Relationship Coach

Expert Interview. 17 May 2019.}
- If he seems uncomfortable or he shies away from your touch, don’t push it.

8

Pick up on flirtatious cues, like eye contact and smiles.

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As you chat, pay attention to the guy’s body language. If he keeps eye contact with you and smiles a lot, chances are he’s into you. If he seems distracted or gives short answers to your questions, he might not be feeling it tonight. ^{[10]
X
Research source}
- If you’re chatting with a guy and you decide you’re not interested, it’s okay for you to exit the conversation too, even if you started it.

9

Exchange numbers if you’re both feeling it.

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As you wrap up your conversation, try to steer it towards giving each other your information. You can ask directly or try to work it into the conversation with a flirtatious quip.
- For example, try saying, “I’d better give you my number in case of an emergency situation.”
- For a more direct approach, try, “I’d love to grab your number to maybe hang out sometime.”

10

Ask him if he wants to leave with you, if you’d like to.

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You might be looking for a guy to take home or go home with tonight, which is fine! If you’re picking up flirtatious vibes and you want to take it a step further, suggest leaving the bar together to go somewhere a little more private.
- Always tell a friend where you’re going, and never leave with a stranger if you don’t feel comfortable doing so.
- You could say something like, “It’s pretty loud in here. Do you want to head back to my place where we can talk privately?”
- Or, “If your house is nearby, I’d love to take a tour.”

11

Go back to your friends if he seems uninterested.

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If the guy you’re talking to isn’t vibing with you, it’s okay to head back to your group. You can regroup with your friends and try to scout out someone else who seems a little more interested in chatting.
- Say something like, “Well, I should head back to my friends now,” for a graceful exit.
- Getting rejected stings, but it’s probably not personal. Try not to let it get you down, and move onto the next guy.

Expert Q&A

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Question

How can I be more subtle when I'm flirting with guys?

Cher Gopman
Dating Coach
Cher Gopman is the Founder of NYC Wingwoman LLC, a date coaching service based in New York City. 'NYC Wingwoman' offers matchmaking, wingwoman services, 1-on-1 Coaching, and intensive weekend bootcamps. Cher is a Certified Life Coach, a former psychiatric nurse, and her work has been featured on Inside Edition, Fox, ABC, VH1, and The New York Post.

Cher Gopman

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

One thing you should avoid is talking too much about yourself. You don't want to ramble and talk so much that it comes off as being conceited or not interested in the other person. You also want to be careful not to come off as too needy or too available. When you are trying to flirt, you're obviously interested in the person, but coming off as too available is actually going to turn that other person away. You want to make sure you leave a little bit of mystery. Finally, don't be too touchy or overly sexual right upfront.

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Question

How can I use body language to flirt with a guy?

Cher Gopman
Dating Coach
Cher Gopman is the Founder of NYC Wingwoman LLC, a date coaching service based in New York City. 'NYC Wingwoman' offers matchmaking, wingwoman services, 1-on-1 Coaching, and intensive weekend bootcamps. Cher is a Certified Life Coach, a former psychiatric nurse, and her work has been featured on Inside Edition, Fox, ABC, VH1, and The New York Post.

Cher Gopman

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

Smiling is very important. It shows that you're engaged. Eye contact is also super important. A little bit of hair touching every once in a while is a sign of flirting, as well as leaning in a little bit when you're seated. If you're leaning back, it looks like you're not interested. Make sure your arms aren't closed off. Don't be afraid to touch the other person if they seem comfortable.

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Question

How do I transition from flirting to asking him out?

Cher Gopman
Dating Coach
Cher Gopman is the Founder of NYC Wingwoman LLC, a date coaching service based in New York City. 'NYC Wingwoman' offers matchmaking, wingwoman services, 1-on-1 Coaching, and intensive weekend bootcamps. Cher is a Certified Life Coach, a former psychiatric nurse, and her work has been featured on Inside Edition, Fox, ABC, VH1, and The New York Post.

Cher Gopman

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

As you're flirting, find a common interest that you both like and say, "We should totally do this sometime." If they say yes, then right then and there you can ask for their number.

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Tips

Try taking 1 or 2 of your friends with you to the bar for safety.

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Pick an outfit that makes you feel comfortable and confident.

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If you get rejected, take it in stride. If you get angry or upset, you're just ruining your own night.

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Warnings

Use your best judgement when picking up strangers. Never leave your drink unattended or give out your address where someone might overhear.

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Always drink responsibly.

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Making overtly sexual comments can come across as sleazy, especially if you've just met someone. Make sure he's interested and seems like someone who would go with it before you attempt that.

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Cher Gopman
Relationship Coach

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A Step-by-Step Guide to Pick Guys up in Bars

Things You Should Know

Steps

Find a guy in the bar who isn’t with a date.

Make eye contact from across the room.

Send a guy a drink to get your message across.

Break the ice with a flirtatious statement.

Introduce yourself and ask for the guy’s name.

Have a friendly, flirtatious conversation.

Touch his arm to let him know you’re interested.

Pick up on flirtatious cues, like eye contact and smiles.

Exchange numbers if you’re both feeling it.

Ask him if he wants to leave with you, if you’d like to.

Go back to your friends if he seems uninterested.

Expert Q&A

Tips

Warnings

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References

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