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You know the feeling. You're out at a bar or a club, or even just walking down the street, when you see the most amazing woman. She could be drop-dead gorgeous, or something about her smile is making you itch to get to know her better. But when you approach her, you get nervous. You forget what to say, start mumbling, and in extreme cases, may even forget your own name. If you want to know how to pick up a woman without being nervous or shy, read this article for some tips.
Steps
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Know when to approach . The first step to picking up a woman is finding the right woman. You should find a woman who looks ready to talk to someone new, whether it's because she's bored with her current company , or just because she's out and looking for some fun. Though you can't always tell if a woman wants some new company, the more open she is, the more likely you'll be to succeed. Here are some tell-tale signs that you should go up to her:
- Obviously, if she's checking you out. If she has looked over at you more than once, and has even smiled when you caught eyes, then she is checking you out. If her friends are all looking over at you and giggling, then she -- or at least one of her friends -- is checking you out. Get over there already.
- If she looks bored or annoyed with her company. Maybe she's yawning repeatedly when talking to a needy girlfriend, or she keeps rolling her eyes at the group of loud bros she showed up with. Come on, knight in shining armor -- it's your chance to gallop on over and save her from her company. If you read the situation correctly, then she'll appreciate the change of pace.
- Don't approach if she's on a date, unless it's obviously not going well. If she's having an intense lip-locking session with her man, steer clear. But if she's on what looks like a first date and she looks absolutely bored or the guy she's with is spending more time checking his phone, you can approach her when the guy steps out if you're feeling bold.
- Don't approach if she's having an intense catch-up session with her girlfriend. If she's in a big group of women, that's one thing, but if it's her and another friend, and they are talking quickly and intensely and they haven't scanned in crowd in over an hour, she's probably getting some much-needed catch up time with a friend.
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Approach her with confidence . Once you've found your target, you need to show her that you're confident about who you are, that you love what you do, and that you'd love to get to know her, but your life won't be over if she rejects you. Coming across as desperate or approval-seeking can be a big turnoff. [1] X Expert Source JT Tran
Dating Coach Expert Interview. 5 May 2020. Remember that most women will know if they want to go home with you within the first fifteen minutes of the conversation, so make your time with the girl count. Here's how to do it:- Make eye contact . First, make eye contact with her from across the room. Then, make sure to lock eyes with the woman when you come up to her. You don't have to be creepy about it, but you should show that you're comfortable enough with the situation to look into her eyes instead of staring at the floor or your feet.
- Smile . Smiling will show that you're cool with the situation, and that you're not nervous. Remember: you're happy with who you are, so even if she rejects you flat out, you'll walk out with your head high.
- Don't slouch and don't cross your arms over your chest. Keep your body open -- anything can happen.
- Give her all of your attention. Without getting too close, turn your body toward her, and avoid any distractions, like checking your phone every five seconds -- or at all.
- Part of looking confident is dressing well. You don't have to wear something expensive, but just put on a flattering outfit that fits well, and look like you've showered earlier that day. [2] X Research source
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Have a killer opening. Once you've come up to the girl, you have to make sure you say and do the right thing so you hook her interest. If you start off on the wrong foot, it may be hard to recover, so you should make a good impression as soon as you can. Here's how to do it: [3] X Trustworthy Source Science Direct Online archive of peer-reviewed research on scientific, technical and medical topics Go to source
- Relax . If you're not relaxed when you join her, she'll know it in a second and will be turned off. Remind yourself that the worst thing that can happen is that she rejects you. Can you survive that?
- Don't use a pick up line. Unless you think she has a really silly sense of humor, avoid any common pick up lines like, "You must be tired, because you've been running through my mind all night." Women won't appreciate your lack of originality.
- Make it clear that you're hitting on her. If you're indirect with your approach, you might come across as someone who's looking for friendship, rather than a date. To avoid any confusion, express your interest right away. For instance, you might say, "Would you like to come sit with me? I'd love to buy you a drink." [4]
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Expert Source
JT Tran
Dating Coach Expert Interview. 5 May 2020. - Introduce yourself . Tell her your name, and if you want to be cute and formal, you can even shake her hand .
EXPERT TIPDating CoachJohn Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.Try opening with a compliment. To help your opening line stand out, try making it personal—a good compliment should be relevant to the moment and the person.
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Make her feel like the most amazing woman in the world. Let's face it. People want to feel special . Don't feed her corny lines about how hot she is. Instead, let her know that you think she's a unique chick and do in an authentic way. Here's how to do it: [5] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- Ask her questions about herself. Don't pry or get personal. Just ask her a few questions about herself, like what she loves to do, if she likes her neighborhood, or even her favorite sports teams or TV shows. You don't want to walk away and have the girl think, "Wow, he doesn't know one thing about me. He obviously just wanted to talk to me because he thought I was hot."
- Ask her opinion on things. Show that her opinion matters. Just ask her some light-hearted questions about what she thinks of the cocktails at the bar you're at, or even if she likes your new shoes.
- Don't be afraid to compliment her even if you think she's heard it all before. If she's beautiful, interesting, or has a great sense of humor, tell her. If you're casual and honest about it, you won't overwhelm her.
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Fascinate her. The key to picking up a woman is not only making her enjoy talking to you, but to make her think, "Hey, this is awesome -- I want more of this." To help her see how great you are, spend some time talking about yourself. Then, you can use whatever you're talking about as a way to ask creative questions to learn more about her, as well. [6] X Expert Source JT Tran
Dating Coach Expert Interview. 5 May 2020.- Show her what makes you special. Without showing off, tell her at least two or three things that will make her want to get to know you. Did you teach yourself Japanese or spend a year on a motorcycle in Rio? Definitely make a point to mention that.
- Find some common bonds. Find something you have in common, whether it's your love for college basketball or Mexican food, that you can talk about. Don't make her think, "I love talking to this guy, but I just don't think it'll go anywhere because we don't have anything in common."
- Tell her something interesting. Show her that you're a guy who reads the paper and knows what's going on in the world. Without being boring, tell her a random fact that caught your eye recently.
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3Be yourself -- to a point. This means that you should show her who you really are instead of putting up a phony front, but that you should also tone down the more unique parts of your personality until she gets to know you better, or she may be thrown off. Here's how to do it: [7] X Research source
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- Don't be a poser. Don't act like you're this hot shot who gets a lot of women. Just be a cool guy who wants to get to know her. Don't talk about all the other girls in your life, or she'll think, then why is he talking to me?
- Show her who you are. Tell her a bit about your interests, what you do on the weekends, or mention that awesome trip you took to Tahoe with your buddies. The girl should have a sense of who you are besides that guy who is hitting on her.
- Remember that you're not with your bros. Though she can get to know you for real later, hold off on the crass jokes, or the stories that might make you come off in an unflattering light.
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Charm her with your sense of humor . Women love guys who can make them laugh, especially if they can do it without trying too hard. You should show her that you're funny and that she'll have a good time if she's with you. [8] X Expert Source JT Tran
Dating Coach Expert Interview. 5 May 2020. Don't make her think you're trying so hard to make her laugh that she just feels sorry for you. Here's how to do it:- Keep up some witty banter. If she says something funny, don't just say, "That's so funny" and laugh without responding. Instead, fire back something equally funny to show you can keep up.
- Tease her gently. Women love if you tease them if you do it the right way. Just poke fun at something she says, or tease her about her unique laugh. This will develop your relationship on a more playful level.
- Make fun of yourself. Don't be self-deprecating, but show that you don't take yourself too seriously and that you're able to laugh at yourself.
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Know when you are not welcome. Part of making a graceful exit is knowing when you are not wanted . This could be for a variety of reasons. Maybe the girl's just not digging you. That's okay. Maybe she has a boyfriend and doesn't want to waste your time. Maybe she just wants to spend time with her girlfriends. Whatever the reason, once you get the sense it's time to leave, get going. [9] X Research source
- If the conversation lags completely and the girl is checking her phone or looking around constantly, it's time to leave.
- If her friends start rolling their eyes at you or ignoring you, it's time to leave.
- Once you know it's time to go, don't embarrass yourself further by saying, "Well, it looks like you're just not interested" or "Sorry to bother you." Just say, "Hey, it was great talking to you. I'll see you around later."
- Walk out with a smile on your face, even if you're disappointed.
- But if she's laughing a lot, maintaining eye contact, playing with her hair, and just generally looking like she's having a great time talking to you and wants more, it's time to step it up.
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If it's going well, take it to the next level. If you've really clicked during the conversation, and the girl is clearly into you , then it's time to kick it up a notch and see where this thing goes. You're trying to pick up the woman, right? So what are you waiting for? [10] X Research source
- If you're at a bar or nightclub and things are wrapping up, you can say, "How about we go somewhere more private to talk?" Or, "What do you say we get out of here?"
- If you know the girl wants to keep hanging out but you don't want to turn her off by trying to isolate her yet, ask her if she and her friends want to go to a quieter bar down the street, or invite her out to an after party with your friends. Remember, she just met you, and even if she likes you, she may not want to get down on the first night.
- If you're not ready to ask her to come home with you, get her number. Don't be nervous. Just make it clear that you're really asking her out. Say, "Hey, this has been a great conversation, and I'd love to talk to you more over drinks or dinner. Can I get your number to set that up?"
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Example Pick Up Lines
Join the Discussion...
I keep seeing this beautiful girl at a cafe I study at, and I really want to talk to her. But I feel so awkward. What do I do? How do I get her t... Read More
Great question. The first thing to do is to always go back to step one, which is your own mindset and way of being. For you to approach her in th... Read More
Fully agree on the eye contact thing. Makes it so much easier to break the ice and then you’re already halfway to starting a conversation. If s... Read More
Expert Q&A
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QuestionIs there anything I can do as an Asian man to improve my chances of picking up women?JT Tran is a Dating Coach and a Dating Advice Columnist for LA Weekly and Baller Magazine. JT also runs the ABCs of Attraction, a dating boot camp where he specializes in coaching Asian men and women on how to navigate the cultural and social sensitivities associated with Asian dating culture. With over ten years of dating coaching experience, JT has presented dating and relationship advice as it relates to cultural issues at Harvard University, Yale University, and the Wharton School of Business at the University of Pennsylvania. His work has been featured in AsianWeek, New York, NU Asian Magazine, the Huffington Post, Channel News Asia, and Voice of America News TV.If you're an American-born Asian, keep in mind that if you've experienced rejection or racism, that can make it so you feel like you're less worthy. In turn, that can make you more likely to come across as desperate or like you're filtering what you say in order to get approval. If you're an Asian-born Asian man dating in America, keep in mind that women are significantly more liberalized and have more agency in choosing who they date, so you might have to work a little harder to stand out.
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Tips
- Remember that you can pick up a girl at a place that's not a bar or a club. You can pick up a woman in a park or a coffee shop. This can work better because she won't be expecting it. Just make sure you're not interrupting her if she clearly wants to be left alone.Thanks
- Dress well, but more importantly, dress appropriately. Don't wear your clubbing shirt to a college watering hole and don't wear a t-shirt and sneakers to the club.Thanks
- You are going to get shot down from time to time. That's life. Pick yourself up and try again.Thanks
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Warnings
- If she's super drunk, to the point where she can hardly walk, get her a taxi and send her home. Don't hook up with someone who is too drunk to consent. This can be considered sexual assault.Thanks
- Remember that nobody owes you time or attention. If she's not feeling it, or she's leaning away from you, not making eye contact, etc. it's time to move on. [11] X Research sourceThanks
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References
- ↑ JT Tran. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 5 May 2020.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-gravity-of-weight/202309/the-power-of-dress
- ↑ https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0191886919305963
- ↑ JT Tran. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 5 May 2020.
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/social-connection/relationship-help
- ↑ JT Tran. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 5 May 2020.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/click-here-happiness/201810/how-be-yourself-in-five-simple-steps
- ↑ JT Tran. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 5 May 2020.
- ↑ https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/what-to-do-when-your-crush-doesnt-like-you-back/
About This Article
Article Summary
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To pick up a woman, look for a woman who has glanced or smiled at you, or appears bored with her current company, which are all signs she’s open to meeting someone new. Once you’ve found someone, smile at her as you approach and start a conversation with confidence by saying something like, “Mind if I join you?”. During your introduction, make sure to turn your body towards her and avoid distractions, like checking your phone, since you want to show that you’re focused on her. You should also show that you’re interested in getting to know her by asking questions about what she does and her opinions, such as what her hobbies are or what she thinks of the cocktails. If you feel things are going well, ask her something like “How about we go somewhere more private to talk?”. However, if she says “No” or rejects your advances, make sure to accept her wishes and back off. For tips on how to make a graceful exit if things don’t go well, read on!
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