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What to do when you've been accused of lying while telling the truth
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No matter how hard you try to be honest, at some point, your sincerity may be placed under a microscope. It’s frustrating but not hopeless—as long as you know how to respond. We talked to licensed clinical social worker Hyungbum Kang to help you react to false accusations, demonstrate your honesty, and become more trustworthy. Plus, we’ll answer the age-old question: Can humans really spot a liar?
Proving That You Didn’t Lie
When you’re falsely accused of lying, stay calm—people get suspicious if you act angrily. Keep your words as simple and straightforward as possible while also seeking out evidence that can directly contradict the accusation. If someone still doesn’t believe you, accept that some people may never be convinced.
Steps
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Stay calm, and avoid getting angry or frustrated. When you’re accused of something, especially if you’re telling the truth, your first reaction may be to get angry or defensive. While it’s a fair response to an accusation, it can actually make the other person believe the accusation is true. [1] X Research source
- Take a few deep breaths , stay calm , and remember that you are trying to resolve the situation and preserve your relationship with this person, not make things worse.
- If you need a reaction, act in a serious way. That way, you’re showing that you don’t take the accusation lightly and that you’re willing to work to prove it wrong.
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Look confident while telling your side of the story. You may never be able to satisfy some people, but you can defend yourself. And if you share your side of things and state your own truth with confidence, you may be able to convince other people who haven’t made up their minds yet. [2] X Research source
- Use your body language: Make eye contact , keep your stance wide and shoulders back, and lift your chin slightly.
- You might say, “This is what I know to be true, and I’m sorry you think I’m lying about it, but I can’t change my story because it’s what really happened.”
- Resist the urge to say anything more, as overly explaining can be misconstrued as lying or desperation.
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Ask the person what you can do to regain their trust. Kang says that when you’re falsely accused, “your goal is to get to a reasonable open discussion.” If it's clear that you cannot convince this person of your honesty, ask for more information about why they distrust you. Once you know this, you can strive to earn their trust in the future.
- Tell the person, "It looks like you don’t believe me, and I’m not sure what I can do about that, but I know I’m not lying, and I hope we can work together to prove that."
- For example, if they don’t trust you because you’re always late or tend to be overly secretive, you might decide to be a little more punctual or more transparent.
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Provide evidence of what happened. Kang says that evidence is key. The best way to prove to someone that you are not lying is to offer the person evidence that directly contradicts the claim. If you can think of any way to demonstrate your truthfulness, do so by backing up your statements with credible proof. However, in some cases, it may be impossible to show evidence that you're not lying.
- You might show evidence by producing paperwork, such as time stamps or receipts that show what you were doing.
- For example, if your girlfriend accuses you of lying about your location, you might show her a time stamp or login record that shows you were using a computer in the college library at that time.
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Gather witnesses or people who can vouch for your honesty. Social proof is the concept of using others' opinions or beliefs to influence a person's decisions or behaviors. Kang suggests using “witnesses to prove that you are innocent.” If there isn't any physical evidence, you may be able to convince the person by employing someone (or several people) who can testify to your innocence.
- For example, if your mom feels certain that you snuck out to a party, you can back up your story by asking your friend's parents to testify on your behalf. If two adults—people your mom trusts—say that you were definitely at their house, your mom is more likely to believe you.
- This only works if the person trusts the witnesses. Otherwise, they might just think the witnesses are lying, too.
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Focus on the most important parts, not on laying out the whole picture. Some experts say that liars try to tell the whole story in chronological order to demonstrate their mastery of the facts, but people who tell the truth tend to focus only on the most important parts. [3] X Research source Keep the conversation focused on the relevant bits and avoid trying to prove your innocence by talking about other parts of the story.
- It’s tempting to walk the other person through your entire day, but only do this if they start making accusations about it. Otherwise, stick to the crucial moments.
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Make a promise, or tell them how much it matters to you. Explain to the person who is accusing you of being a liar: "I wouldn't lie to you, I promise." Or, let them know that your relationship means too much to you to jeopardize it with a lie. [4] X Research source It may be enough to make them reconsider their own perspective.
- Use your track record to your advantage. For example, you might say, "I have never lied to you. Remember, that time when everyone else wasn't being straightforward with you, and I did?"
- Be careful with this method, though, because some people will think you are manipulating them by making a false promise.
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Keep your words simple and straightforward. Research shows that liars often talk in more complex sentences than people who are telling the truth. [5] X Research source Even if you are telling the truth, speaking in complex sentences can make it seem like you are covering something up, being evasive, or trying to distract from something.
- Strive for clear, simple, and concrete sentences with a moderate level of detail.
- You might tell someone, "No, I was not with anyone last night. I was at the computer lab on campus. I can show you my login time," rather than, "Oh, what are you talking about? I would never do anything like that to you. I love you so much. Who could I have been with? Why don't you trust me?"
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Avoid repeating questions before answering them. Another science-tested characteristic of liars is the tendency to repeat a question or ask other questions before providing an answer. [6] X Research source If you didn't clearly hear a question, ask the person to repeat it himself. Repeating it from your own mouth makes it seem like you are delaying your response so you can think up an answer.
- For example: Let's say your partner asks, "Where were you last night?" If you say, "Where was I last night?" pause and then add, "I was in the computer lab doing work," this seems less than honest because of the need to hesitate before providing your answer.
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Ask yourself if they’re suspicious because you’ve lied in the past. If you have been known to tell a fib or two in the past, it’ll help carefully examine this behavior, stop it , and try to learn from it. Even if you are telling the truth in this situation, you may have developed a reputation as a liar. Look at other times you have lied or been caught in a lie. Brainstorm ways you could have prevented the lies and been honest from the start. [7] X Research source
- Once you have decided to stop lying, you help convince others of your truthfulness by sharing details about your life upfront. By doing this, you remove the need to be questioned, and therefore, others don't have to wonder if your answers are lies.
- Rebuilding trust after lying is a long process, not something that happens overnight. It’ll take a lot of truth-telling to earn that trust back, but it’s possible.
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Be transparent with other people about your thoughts and actions. If you have trouble opening up to others, it may explain why someone is doubtful of your honesty. You might be too secretive or guarded to earn other people’s trust. Strive to be more open and honest in your close relationships by following these tips: [8] X Research source
- Be more accepting of others and yourself. When you are constantly worried about what others will say or how they will look at you, you may lie just to say what you think they want to hear. Trust the people you love to care about you despite your flaws.
- Don't put off important conversations. Schedule time to talk about important matters when both parties are free to speak and think clearly.
- Live a life according to your values. Live your truth, and then you don't need to lie.
- Embrace constructive criticism . We may lie because we don't want others to judge or criticize us for our faults. When you are able to see criticism as a tool to improve, you won't have to rely on untruths to get you by.
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Meet the other person’s eye (just not too much). Evading others' eyes is often seen as a sign of dishonesty. Eye contact is an effective way to show honesty and sincerity. [9] X Research source You are also able to forge a more intimate connection with another person by staring into her eyes. Just be sure not to overdo it. Too little eye contact can seem evasive, but too much can seem threatening or intimidating.
- Some experts suggest maintaining eye contact longer for one-on-one conversations. Aim for about 7-10 seconds at a time.
- It's okay to make more eye contact when you are listening and less when you are talking.
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Keep your body language open and comfortable. When we are telling the truth, we are more comfortable. In the midst of lying, we may be more uncomfortable. A liar may demonstrate closed-off and unfriendly body language. On the other hand, a truth-teller will orient towards the other person, smile, nod, and uncross their arms and legs. [10] X Research source
- Sometimes, even when you are telling the truth, you may put your guard up because someone is questioning your behavior or motives. However, the other person can wrongly interpret this as being defensive and think you're lying.
- Take a deep breath and try to relax with the knowledge that, no matter what, you know that your words are honest. Don't allow your anxiety about being questioned to undermine your ability to convey the truth.
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Community Q&A
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QuestionWhy do people often believe liars over honest people?Community AnswerLiars are convincing to certain people simply by sounding confident in what they are saying. Often liars will have rehearsed what they are going to say.
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QuestionHow can I say something without the other person getting aggressive?Community AnswerWait. Calmly ask the person if you can tell them something. If they say "no," then wait for a better opportunity to try again. If they start to get aggressive while you talk, then stop. Let them get it out, then ask you may speak again. It's a lengthy process that requires a lot of patience.
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QuestionWhat can I do if people still don't believe me?Community AnswerSome people need more time than others to start trusting someone. If you recently broke this person's trust, you will need to wait until they forgive you and get over the pain. Remember, trust is earned and not given.
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Tips
- Some people might accuse you of lying just to hurt you. There's no point in arguing with these people. Just stay true to yourself, and others will see that you're honest.Thanks
Tips from our Readers
The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of wikiHow readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on wikiHow, please submit it in the field below.
- If you can't prove yourself in anyway, and you have said all the truth but they say you're still lying, and they're trying to make you say something that's not true, it's best to walk away from the situation.
- If someone accuses you of lying but you are telling the truth, ask them who said you are lying. Then, go to the source and prove that you are telling the truth.
- Ask the person to provide evidence that you are lying. If they can't prove that you are lying, you can then prove that you are telling the truth.
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References
- ↑ https://bigthink.com/neuropsych/signs-of-guilt/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/resilience-bullying/202209/how-stop-false-accusations-in-their-tracks
- ↑ https://time.com/6964719/how-to-tell-if-someone-is-lying/
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-quandary-of-being-falsely-accused-and-how-to-deal-with-it
- ↑ http://hbswk.hbs.edu/item/how-to-spot-a-liar
- ↑ https://time.com/6964719/how-to-tell-if-someone-is-lying/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/compassion-matters/201309/why-we-lie-and-how-stop
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/compassion-matters/201506/5-ways-build-trust-and-honesty-in-your-relationship
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/let-their-words-do-the-talking/201411/9-subtle-signs-someones-lying-you
About This Article
Article Summary
X
To prove that you’re not a liar, stay calm, be confident in your story, and show them any evidence you have. Although you might feel angry or upset that someone doesn’t believe you, take some deep breaths to relax, since getting emotional can make you look guilty. Make eye contact with the person, since looking away is something liars often do. Then, give the person any evidence you have to support your story, such as a shop receipt. For example, if your girlfriend accuses you of being out with someone last night but you were studying in a coffee shop, show her the receipt for a drink you bought. Alternatively, ask a friend you were with at the time to confirm that you were there. For more tips, including how to use your body language to show you’re telling the truth, read on!
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