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Red flags that mean she’s faking her feelings for you
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Wondering whether someone’s feelings are genuine or if they’re only pretending to love you can be difficult and painful. We're here to help with 20 signs that a woman isn't serious about you and doesn't have your best intentions at heart. Plus, we interviewed relationship experts to help you read the signs and figure out what to do if you think your partner is only pretending to love you.
Things You Should Know
- She might be pretending to love you if she acts moody or distant or if she never makes any plans to spend quality time with you.
- She might avoid talking about the future, making your relationship official, or saying “I love you,” even when you say it first.
- If you think your partner is pretending to love you, set aside time to talk about your feelings with her. Be clear about what the issue is and how it makes you feel.
Steps
Section 1 of 2:
Signs She’s Pretending to Love You
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She frequently acts moody or distant toward you. We all have bad days, and we can’t always control our emotions. But when she always seems sad, distant, or bored, and nothing you do seems to cheer her up, it could mean that she’s unhappy with your relationship. [1] X Research source
- If she's moody or distant in general and behaves the same way toward other people she cares about, she may be struggling with something depression. [2] X Research source
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She doesn’t seem excited to see you. Facial expressions can tell you a lot about a person’s true thoughts and emotions. [3] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source When you meet up with her, relationship coach Candice Mostisser says to ask yourself, “Do they seem happy when you come over to talk to them?” If she doesn’t look excited or happy to see you, it may be a sign that she doesn’t have feelings for you.
- Candice Mostisser also recommends analyzing her body language—“do they sit with their knees pointed towards you when you're sitting at a table?” If not, it could be that she doesn’t have feelings for you.
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You feel like you’re always chasing after her. Playing hard-to-get is common in the first few dating stages, but if she likes you, you won’t have to work to get her attention. If you feel like you’re always the one trying to sweep her off her feet, it could be a sign you’re more into her than she’s into you.
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She never makes plans to spend quality time with you. When someone loves you, they’ll make you a priority. [4] X Research source Canceling a date once in a while when something comes up is one thing. But if she always seems to be busy or changes her plans at the last minute, it may mean that she’s faking her feelings for you.
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She doesn’t want to talk about the future or make it official. Intimate relationships often require a level of commitment on both sides. [5] X Research source If your partner keeps refusing to put a label on your relationship or talk about a future where the two of you are together, it may be a sign she doesn’t feel like your relationship is a long-term thing.
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She rarely says “I love you.” One of the biggest red flags is if you’ve already said the “L” word and she never seems to say it to you. If she only says “I love you” after you say it first or if you have to ask her if she loves you back, it might be because she feels an obligation to say it and doesn’t mean it. [6] X Research source
- She could also avoid saying “I love you” because she’s feeling anxious or insecure about your relationship because of her past experiences. [7] X Trustworthy Source Go Ask Alice Medical advice site with content written by health promotion specialists affiliated with Columbia University Go to source
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She keeps secrets from you. Trust is essential in any romantic relationship. If you feel like she’s hiding her plans, phone, or a large part of her life from you, it could be a sign that she’s keeping something from you that might make you feel angry or hurt. [8] X Research source
- If your relationship is new, she might keep certain things about her past private because she doesn’t trust you enough to let you in yet. Try to be patient—intimacy comes with love and time.
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She avoids physical contact. Physical affection and intimate touch are a vital part of any relationship and are directly linked to how satisfied partners feel about their relationship. [9] X Research source If she avoids holding hands, cuddling, caressing you, or going further, it could be a sign that she doesn’t feel the same about you. [10] X Research source
- Watch her reaction when you try to make physical contact with her. Dating coach John Keegan says that if you “lean in [and] put your arm around them and they tense up…it [might] be a sign that they're definitely not opening up at this time to you, and especially [not] in that way.”
- There could also be other reasons why she avoids physical contact, such as personal issues or past experiences that make her uncomfortable with physical touch. [11] X Research source
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She never compliments you. In a relationship, you don’t have to constantly praise your partner. However, compliments can be an easy way to let them know how much you appreciate them. [12] X Research source If she rarely says nice things about you, it might be a sign that she doesn’t appreciate you as much as you appreciate her.
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She acts differently toward you around other people. When someone loves you, they should treat you with love and respect, no matter who you’re around. If your partner downplays her love for you, acts negatively towards you, or makes fun of you when you’re around other people, it could be a sign her feelings for you aren’t genuine.
- This could also mean that she’s not comfortable with the other people you’re around—watch how she acts in different groups of people to see if the problem lies in your relationship.
- Reader Poll: We asked 1821 wikiHow readers how to find out if a girl is using you, and only 10% of them agreed that the best way to tell is when she ignores you when you hang out with your friends. [Take Poll] So while she may act differently toward you in a group, it’s not always a sure sign she’s using you.
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She doesn’t choose to be around you when you’re in public. According to dating coach Candice Mostisser, when someone has feelings for you, “they choose to be around you when they can be around other people. If she avoids sitting next to you or talking to you when you’re in public, it might be a sign she’s pretending to love you.
- Candice Mostisser says that when you’re in a public setting, ask yourself, “Are they making the point to come be next to you at some point? And do they try to spend time alone with you?”
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She doesn’t seem interested in what you have to say. Life is full of distractions that can draw her attention away from being present with you. However, if she never pays attention to what you’re saying or if she doesn't seem excited by her conversations with you, it might mean that she’s not as invested in your relationship as you are.
- Other factors might affect her attentiveness, and her feelings may change over time. It’s always best to talk to your partner first or consult a therapist if these issues worsen.
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You can't figure out what she’s thinking about. Your partner should be the person you confide in and turn to for advice. If you’re always wondering what’s going on in her head, it could be a sign that she isn’t sharing her thoughts and feelings with you. This might be because she doesn’t have genuine feelings for you. [13] X Research source
- She might also hide her thoughts and feelings if she doesn’t feel safe enough to share them. [14] X Research source
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Your dates together are boring or uncreative. Date nights are important for relationships because they allow you to engage in activities with shared meaning and spend quality time together. [15] X Research source Dating coach Joshua Pompey says that “if they are asking you to hang out, but the dates are showing less and less creativity early on,” it might be a sign that she’s lost interest in the relationship.
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She wants to break up over every small argument. Arguments are a natural part of every relationship, but being in love means sticking them out and working to make your relationship better. If her go-to solution to every disagreement is breaking things off, it may mean that she’s not committed to making it work. [16] X Research source
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She lies about where she goes or who she talks to. Lying is a major red flag in any relationship—it's a violation of your trust and makes you question whether the other person is lying about bigger things. [17] X Research source If you frequently catch your partner in a lie, it might mean that she’s not being as honest as she could be about her feelings for you, too.
- Lying doesn’t always mean that she doesn’t love you, so it’s best to have an honest conversation with her before taking the next step.
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She keeps you off her social media. If your girlfriend isn’t super present on social media, this might not be a big deal. However, if she frequently posts videos, photos, and status updates and you’ve never made the cut, it could be a sign that she’s hiding her relationship with you or that she doesn’t feel the same way about you. [18] X Research source
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She only gets in touch when she needs something from you. Maybe she always wants you to drive her places, expects you to always pick up the check, or only ever texts or talks to you when she’s bored or lonely. If it feels like she’s using you and she never checks in on you to see how you’re doing, it might mean that she’s pretending to have feelings for you. [19] X Research source
- Asking for a small favor once in a while isn’t a bad thing—but if she constantly asks for you to do something for her without returning the favor, that’s a red flag.
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She’s hot and cold. Some days, she might be sweet, attentive, and loving, and the next, she barely replies to your texts. You shouldn’t wonder what version of her you’re going to see each day. If she acts hot and cold all the time, it could mean that she’s not invested in creating a partnership or that she’s leading you on. [20] X Research source
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She never introduces you to her friends or family. Meeting your partner’s best friends and family members can be a major step in any relationship. If the two of you have been together for a while and she hasn’t made an effort to introduce you to the important people in her life, it may be a sign that she doesn’t see the relationship as serious. [21] X Research source
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She tries to hide your relationship from other people. When you’re in a relationship with someone, you should feel happy and proud to have them by your side. If your partner doesn’t seem to want people to know you’re together, it might be because she’s trying to hide something or she isn’t as invested in the relationship as you are. [22] X Research source
- Talk to your partner if it seems like she’s keeping your relationship on the down low—it might also be because she wants to avoid public displays of affection.
- In the dating world, when someone makes an effort to avoid introducing a partner to other people in their life, it’s called “pocketing.” [23] X Research source
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She doesn’t respond to your texts. Everyone’s texting habits are different. However, if she starts to avoid texting you back, it might be a sign that her feelings are fading. Dating coach John Keegan says that “if the texting slows down dramatically, it's a strong sign that they're slowly progressing towards ghosting or ending things.”
- John Keegan also recommends that “If someone has ghosted you or isn't responding to your text, the best thing you can do is completely stop texting them.”
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She flirts with other people. If your girlfriend flirts with other people, whether openly or in secret, it can mean that she isn’t considering your feelings. [24] X Research source Trust is a major part of every relationship, and if she gives you a good reason not to trust her, it could also mean her feelings for you aren’t sincere, either.
- In the same vein, if she brings her past relationships up to you more than she talks about your relationship together, it can be a sign that she’s more into them than you. [25] X Research source
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She invades your privacy or crosses your boundaries. Does she show up at your house uninvited or search through your phone or diary without permission? If you say “no” to something, does she talk you out of it? You have a right to privacy, and if she tries to convince you otherwise, it might mean she’s controlling you by pretending to love you. [26] X Research source
- If she tries to get into your phone or accounts without permission, set boundaries by changing all the passwords on your devices and saying “no” if she asks you to share them.
- If she tries to talk you out of your plans, try saying something like “I understand that you feel upset when I go out with my friends, but it's normal and healthy for me to spend time with them. Let’s talk about this later.”
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She criticizes or talks down to you. A loving partner wouldn’t constantly wear you down or chip away at your self-esteem—that’s a form of verbal abuse. [27] X Research source If she criticizes every little thing you say or do or if she always makes little comments that make you feel inferior, it might mean she doesn’t love or respect you.
- If you feel like your relationship is abusive, help is available—call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788. [28] X Trustworthy Source National Domestic Violence Hotline Organization providing lifesaving tools, support, and resources for victims and survivors of domestic abuse Go to source
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Expert Interview
Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about dating, check out our in-depth interview with Candice Mostisser .
References
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