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A pathological liar is someone who compulsively tells lies or fabricates information out of habit. They may not be completely rooted in reality, believing the lies they tell, often in an effort to remedy low self-esteem. To spot a pathological liar, pay attention to their behavior and body language , such as excessive eye contact. Also,listen for any inconsistencies in their stories. Problems like substance abuse and a history of unstable relationships are all additional indications someone may be a pathological liar.
Steps
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Consider the nature of suspected lies. You may come to suspect a friend, family member, or co-worker is habitually stretching the truth. Pick apart the suspected lies and consider what they have in common. Pathological liars may lie to gain sympathy, boredom, or insecurity. Part of the reason the pathological liar feels compelled to lie is because he or she may feel as though being in spotlight has eluded them. This person feels that he or she should be the center of everyone's universe and will do what he or she can to make it happen. Upon tasting the spotlight it becomes self-reinforcing and the lies grow bigger each time just to keep on being the center of attention. [1] X Research source
- Some pathological liars may be actively trying to gain sympathy in a situation. They may tend to exaggerate or make up pains and illnesses, for example, or exaggerate small issues in their lives to ridiculous proportions in order to gain sympathy from anyone within earshot.
- Pathological liars may also have low self-esteem. They may lie to make themselves look more important than they truly are. They may exaggerate accomplishments in personal or professional areas in order to make their lives seem impressive and worthy. In this case, they may be lying to convince themselves rather than to mislead you.
- Some pathological liars simply lie out of boredom. They will fabricate events and make up lies to hurt others. This creates drama, alleviating boredom in the pathological liar's life.
- Some pathological liars may enjoy the attention that they get from others by telling extravagant stories about themselves. In order to keep up appearances, they may spin larger and more complicated lies.
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Listen for other people's stories being retold. Pathological liars may often get caught lying. Frequently, you may hear someone else's story retold as if it happened to a pathological liar. If something about a story sounds familiar to you, stop to consider whether you've heard that story before.
- You may hear a pathological liar repeat the story of a friend or family member. They may also repeat stories from movies or television shows. The stories may be embellished slightly in the pathological liar's version.
- For example, your co-worker tells a story that sounds familiar to you, but you're unsure where you've heard it before. Later, you see a similar story on the news. If your co-worker is a pathological liar, they may very well have lifted the story from the news and presented it as their own.
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Observe whether the person dodges questions. When confronted, a pathological liar may find a way to avoid answering a question. Pathological liars are manipulative by nature, so you may think they've answered something when they really have failed to do so. [2] X Research source
- For example, your friend reveals she had a falling out with her best friend fairly recently. You've been having issues getting along with this friend, and wonder whether her relationship difficulties may be a pattern for her. You ask her something like, "Why did you and Eliza stop talking?"
- The friend may respond with something like, "We haven't really talked for a year." She's not really answering the question. She may dodge more direct questions. For example, you ask her something like, "Did you used to blow off Eliza the way you blow me off a lot?" She may reply with something like, "Do you really think I'm that kind of person?"
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Watch out for manipulation . Pathological liars are experts at manipulating others. They tend to study others to find ways to divert their attention away from their lies. Pay attention to how a pathological liar interacts with you. You may detect subtle manipulation. [3] X Research source
- Pathological liars frequently use sexual tension as a means of emotional manipulation. If you're attracted to the suspected pathological liar, they may flirt with you when confronted about their lies.
- They will also study you carefully and learn where your personal limits are. Pathological liars have a good sense of which people will believe which lies. They may realize, for example, you will not believe lies about sickness, but may believe lies about emotional problems. If you hear the liar talking to someone else, they may fabricate claims of aches and pains but not mention these ailments to you.
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See how a person reacts when caught lying . No two pathological liars are the same. However, most of them will react aggressively when caught in a lie. If someone seems to get angry in response to accusations of lying, you may be dealing with a pathological liar. [4] X Research source
- A pathological liar may become very defensive. They may blame someone else for their lies. For example, "The only reason I had to make that up was because our boss is so difficult."
- They may also come up with another lie to cover up the first one. For example, "No, I did use that money to get the car fixed, but I also used half of it to pay for those groceries. I forgot to tell you I stopped at the store."
- They also may become angry when caught lying. They may become angry and begin yelling , or start crying in order to elicit sympathy.
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Consider their mental health history. Lying can be associated with some mental health issues, such as borderline personality disorder , depression, bipolar disorder, and narcissistic personality disorder. [5] X Expert Source Liana Georgoulis, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist Expert Interview. 6 September 2018. If you are close to this person, you may be able to learn about their history of associated mental health issues and encourage them to get the right help.- You may be able to use this history to discover the patterns of their lying. Are they only lying in certain circumstances? Do they try to reinvent themselves or impress others with their lies? Are they lying to avoid talking about certain situations?
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Pay attention to eye contact. Many people assume pathological liars refrain from making eye contact. While typical liars may dodge eye contact, this is not usually the case for a pathological liar. Instead, you may notice too much eye contact. This is the pathological liar's attempt to look believable. [6] X Research source
- A pathological liar may not break their gaze when speaking to you. It's normal to look away on occasion in conversation. A pathological liar, however, will stare you in the eyes for as long as you talk.
- You also may notice subtle signs of lying in the eyes. A pathological liar's pupils may dilate slightly, and they may also blink slowly.
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Notice if someone seems too relaxed. When normal people lie, they may fidget excessively and show other signs of nervousness. In contrast, a pathological liar feels little remorse over lying. Therefore, they may seem almost too relaxed when lying. Pathological liars may actually appear quite sociable and laid back. Even when you know someone is lying, they may not demonstrate typical signs of distress or nervousness. [7] X Research source
- For example, you hear your co-worker tell a story at lunch. Later, during downtime, the suspected pathological liar repeats the same story, as if it happened to them.
- While you know this person is lying, they seem completely unbothered. They tell the story without any signs of distress or agitation and seem at ease with themselves. If you didn't know better, you would have no trouble believing the story.
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Pay attention to the tone of voice. Small changes in vocal tone may indicate lying. While not all pathological liars change their tone, some may. A shift in vocal tone, in conjunction with other symptoms, may indicate someone is a pathological liar. [8] X Research source
- You may notice a slight change in pitch. A pathological liar's voice may get higher or lower when lying.
- A pathological liar may also lick their lips or drink water when talking. The stress from telling lies may cause adrenaline or the constriction of vocal chords, leading to an increased need for water.
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Observe someone's smile . While pathological liars may not demonstrate typical body language when lying, they may display a fake smile. Smiles are very difficult to fake successfully, so pay attention to their mouths. [9] X Research source With a genuine smile, you will notice changes in the entire face. The corners of someone's eyes typically crinkle. With a fake smile, the only noticeable change is near the mouth. [10] X Research source
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Avoid jumping to conclusions about unusual body language. Sometimes, odd body language is a sign of a liar... but other times, it's a sign of a disability or a different culture. For example, eye contact is considered rude in some cultures and polite in others. Notice how that person tends to act, and consider alternative explanations.
- Another example is that autistic people tend to fidget a lot. They may unwittingly stare a lot or avoid eye contact altogether. This isn't a sign of lying, just a sign of being different.
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Look for underlying secret habits. If this person has a problem with substance abuse, gambling, binge eating, or other destructive behaviors, there's a good chance they're a pathological liar. [11] X Research source
- For example, you may notice a co-worker drinking extra at a company party. You may see them filling up their drink when no one else is at the bar, or even notice them carrying a flask.
- You may also notice you don't see one co-worker eat at lunch, but sometimes find evidence of food having been in their office. They may be very secretive about eating habits, and habitually turn down offers to get food with co-workers.
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Consider whether the person lives in reality. Pathological liars are often disconnected with reality. A lot of times, they may believe parts of their lies themselves. They may be deluded about themselves and their abilities. [12] X Research source
- A pathological liar may have a tendency to exaggerate their importance. They may see something innocuous, like a compliment from a boss, as a sign of personal greatness. When recounting the compliment, they may fluff its importance.
- A pathological liar may lack basic life skills, but may not see this as a problem.
- If the person has a distorted view of reality, they may honestly believe what they are saying. While this is not true of all pathological liars, consider the possibility that the person is not lying out of malice.
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Think about the person's relationships with others. Pathological liars tend to have unstable relationships . Consider anything you know about this person's relationship history. Look for any warning signs of instability. [13] X Research source
- Does this person have stable friendships or romantic relationships? A lack of longterm friends, and a series of failed romances, may indicate a pathological liar.
- A pathological liar may also be estranged from their family.
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Study the person's career. A pathological liar tends to bluff their way into jobs. A pathological liar may have many jobs on their resume. However, most of these jobs will be short term. They may also dodge questions about why certain jobs did not work out longterm. [14] X Research source
- For example, a pathological liar may have a long resume. Most of the jobs will only have been short term. If you ask the pathological liar about their career, they may dodge questions.
- In some cases, a pathological liar may have moved around a lot due to sudden career changes. Pathological liars often burn bridges with employers.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionWill they cycle back thru with friends if a lie gets exposed so they go with another friend until that blows up then come back around to see if it's safe again hoping we're no longer mad?Tasha Rube is a Licensed Social Worker based in Kansas City, Kansas. Tasha is affiliated with the Dwight D. Eisenhower VA Medical Center in Leavenworth, Kansas. She received her Masters of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Missouri in 2014.If you have a friend that keeps lying and coming back around, ask yourself why it's important that you be friends with this person. What do you feel that you are getting out of the relationship, and what are you worried about losing? This will help you decide what to do about your friendship.
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QuestionIf you are caught in a friendship quad and can't remove the pathological liar from your life while they are telling fake lies about you so that everyone thinks you are the bad guy, what should you do?Tasha Rube is a Licensed Social Worker based in Kansas City, Kansas. Tasha is affiliated with the Dwight D. Eisenhower VA Medical Center in Leavenworth, Kansas. She received her Masters of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Missouri in 2014.If your “friends” are believing only one person without hearing the truth from you or your side of the story, then they probably were not the best type of friends to have around in the first place. Make an honest attempt to reach out to your friends and tell them how you feel. Explain to them from your own perspective what the truth is. You will quickly learn the true colors of those people who choose to believe you and stick around on your behalf, and those who you may just need to let go.
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QuestionWhat do you do if the pathological liar is your grown child and you can't "end" that relationship? He is the only one like that, my other three children are not like that.Tasha Rube is a Licensed Social Worker based in Kansas City, Kansas. Tasha is affiliated with the Dwight D. Eisenhower VA Medical Center in Leavenworth, Kansas. She received her Masters of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Missouri in 2014.Just like any other person who may be a pathological liar, you personally cannot change who they are. However, as a parent you can speak to your adult child in as respectful way as possible and express your concerns. Plant the seed for self awareness, and offer up helpful mental health resources in your area. As a grown child of yours, it is up to them to be fully responsible and accountable for their actions. If it is to the point where it is disrupting you and others in the family, and other relationships are derailing, then perhaps you need to set clear boundaries with them as to what is and is not acceptable
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Tips
- Understand that you’ll never get a consistent story when you talk with a pathological liar.Thanks
- Keep in mind that pathological liars typically exaggerate everything they tell you so take their stories with a grain of salt.Thanks
- Someone who consistently lies to you is a form of disrespect––not someone you want to trust or consider to be a true friend.Thanks
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Warnings
- You can encourage someone to get therapy for lying, but you cannot make them. In fact, you may have a very hard time getting this person to accept that their lying is even a problem, let alone something in need of therapy.Thanks
- If you suspect the person is telling a lie to cover up illegal activity, consider contacting the authorities.Thanks
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References
- ↑ https://www.newhealthguide.org/Pathological-Liar.html
- ↑ https://www.forbes.com/sites/carolkinseygoman/2013/05/20/7-tips-for-spotting-liars-at-work/#46453da53e26
- ↑ https://blogs.psychcentral.com/caregivers/2014/09/6-subtle-characteristics-of-the-pathological-liar/
- ↑ https://www.newhealthguide.org/Pathological-Liar.html
- ↑ Liana Georgoulis, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist. Expert Interview. 6 September 2018.
- ↑ https://www.forbes.com/sites/carolkinseygoman/2013/05/20/7-tips-for-spotting-liars-at-work/#46453da53e26
- ↑ https://blogs.psychcentral.com/caregivers/2014/09/6-subtle-characteristics-of-the-pathological-liar/
- ↑ https://www.forbes.com/sites/carolkinseygoman/2013/05/20/7-tips-for-spotting-liars-at-work/2/#21bc1ca32b08
- ↑ https://blogs.psychcentral.com/caregivers/2014/09/6-subtle-characteristics-of-the-pathological-liar/
About This Article
Article Summary
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If you want to spot a pathological liar, monitor their behavior so you can uncover the nature of the lies. For example, some pathological liars try to gain sympathy or deal with their low self-esteem by exaggerating. However, others may simply lie out of boredom or for attention. Pathological liars may also dodge questions or even retell other people's stories as if they happened to them. Because pathological liars are experts at manipulating others, consider how they interact with you, especially when you catch them in a lie. In general, pathological liars will respond with anger, more lies, or defensiveness when caught lying. For more tips from our co-author, including how to spot a pathological liar by watching their body language, keep reading!
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