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While it's a good idea to try to get along with people from all walks of life, you won't always click with everyone you meet, and letting someone know that you don't like them might be the best option when you want to avoid an unwanted relationship. For example, you might need to tell someone you aren't interested in a date or that you don't want to develop a friendship. You may even want to break up with someone who's been your friend for a long time. In such cases, you'll need to make it clear that you need distance, while being mindful of the other person's feelings.
Steps
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Be direct. One way to turn someone down is to give them a simple, direct answer to a request for a date or your number. The direct approach can be good because you don't leave them hanging and because you don't leave room for ambivalence, so they can move on to someone else. [1] X Research source
- For example, you could use the line, "I appreciate you asking me, but no thank you."
- You could also say, "No, I'm not looking to date right now."
- Be sure to make "no" part of your answer so you are very clear. [2] X Research source
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Go for an indirect answer. If you don't want to flat-out reject someone, you can answer in a roundabout way. One way you can make it more roundabout is to start out with a compliment about the person but still end with a rejection. [3] X Research source
- For instance, you could note, "You seem like a nice person, but I'm not interested in anything right now so I am going to have to say 'no.'"
- If this person continues to pursue after you've gently told them how you feel, you can be more direct about your lack of interest and set boundaries around your time together.
- Reader Poll: We asked 385 wikiHow readers about how they’d handle someone continuing to pursue them after rejection, and 58% of them agreed that they would set clear boundaries and communicate their disinterest . [Take Poll]
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Try an avoidance tactic. Another option is using an avoidance tactic. In other words, you dodge the request by using a decoy of some sort to not respond directly, such as giving a fake number to the person so they don't know you're rejecting them. [4] X Research source
- To give out a fake number, you can just make up a number, but make sure it's not someone else's number. Also, this tactic can backfire if the person tries to call it or sees you again sometime.
- Another option is to say you have a boyfriend or girlfriend. You can also use a friend as a pretend significant other; however, if you use this tactic, you may drive off other people, which can be a problem if you are trying to meet people.
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Skip saying "sorry. " By apologizing, you're pointing out that you feel sorry for the person, which can make the rejection that much worse. Plus, you have no reason to apologize. You're simply saying that you choose not to accept their request. [5] X Research source
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Make sure you need to say something. That is, sometimes, it's in your best interest to just stay silent. If telling the person won't help the situation, then you may just want to leave it alone, even if the person does irritate you. [6] X Research source
- For instance, telling a manager you don't like them probably isn't going to be all that helpful to you. Your manager holds power over your career and can make your work life miserable, so telling a manager you don't like them isn't going to be beneficial. You might also get in trouble for insubordination.
- In addition, you may weigh your options if the person you don't like is a family member or a friend of the family. If you're going to see the person on a regular basis, telling them you don't like them is only going to make those situations more difficult.
- Similarly, if the person is a mutual friend with other friends, it may make social gatherings more difficult if you tell the person you don't like them.
- Also, consider whether you're being fair in your dislike. Maybe you took an instant dislike to someone without getting to know them. Try getting to know the person better before making a snap judgment.
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Keep it civil. No matter how you tell someone you don't want them in your life, try not to cross over into being a jerk. You can tell someone you don't enjoy their company without being mean about it, which can also help you not burn bridges. [7] X Research source
- If you're too brutal, you may have trouble making friends with other people. Word will get around.
- Don't be abusive or mean when you talk to the person; be as respectful and calm as possible.
- For instance, saying, "I can't stand to be around you." is pretty mean. Instead, try, "Our values are too different, and I don't really have time for new friends."
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Don't give the person an "in. " If you simply don't respond to a person's advances towards friendship, they'll eventually get the message. In other words, try not to engage in chatty conversation and don't agree to plans you don't want to join in on. [8] X Research source
- Also, try not to smile at the person. You don't have to frown, but smiling makes you more approachable.
- This approach can lead to other people seeing you as standoffish or a snob, so be careful.
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Try a direct approach. While the direct approach can be brutal, it can also establish right off the bat that you don't want to go any further. If you really can't stand the person, it might be better to get it out in the open; however, this can backfire, especially if you use it at work. [9] X Research source
- You could say something like, "I don't think we're compatible as friends, but it was nice to meet you."
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Be honest with your feelings. If this person appears to want more of a relationship than you are comfortable with, directly tell the person without being judgmental. [10] X Expert Source Cher Gopman
Dating Coach Expert Interview. 17 May 2019. For instance, perhaps they want a deeper friendship when you just want to stay acquaintances.- You might say something like: "I'm sensing you want more friendship from me. That's more than I'm willing to give right now. If you still want to be closer friends with me in a few months, would you be willing to check back in with me then?"
- Alternatively, you could say, "Thanks for your kind request for friendship. You seem like a wonderful person. I'm just not interested, thanks."
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Consider your goal. Decide what you want out of the situation, and then make a choice about the best course of action to achieve that goal with the least amount of tension. If you just want to see the person less, then you may not need to tell the person you don't like them. If you want to cut the person out of your life completely, it's probably best to tell them upfront rather than just ignoring them. [11] X Research source Ask yourself questions like:
- What do I hope will happen when I tell this person I don't like them?
- Do I want them to leave me alone? (Then maybe I should ask for that instead.)
- Do I want to see them less? (Then maybe I should tell them I can only hangout once a month.)
- Do I want to hurt this person's feelings? Will I regret hurting their feelings afterward?
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Be as nice as you can. Even though you're essentially rejecting someone, you shouldn't be a jerk about it. Rather, try to keep the meanness to a minimum, so that you don't leave the person feeling horrible or hopeless. [12] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source
- For example, saying, "You're an idiot, and I don't like you," isn't really appropriate. Instead you could say, "I know you'd like to hang out more, but I am not comfortable with that. I feel our beliefs are too different."
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Treat a friendship like a romantic relationship. If you're trying to tell a close friend that you've grown apart, treat it like you would a romantic relationship. That is, break up with them like you would do with someone you're in a romantic relationship with. [13] X Research source
- Sitting down with them in person is the best, though you can send a letter or email if that's your only option. Establish why you want to stop being friends. Ideally, put the blame on yourself, such as "I'm just not the same person I was, and I think we don't fit together as friends anymore."
- Another option is asking to take a break. Maybe you just need some space to adjust, although taking a break can also be a way to ease the person into a more permanent break.
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Avoid the person. While this option may not be the best, it is an option. You can simply stop returning a person's calls or avoid talking to them when you see them. They may eventually get the message that you don't want to be friends with them. [14] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source
- People sometimes use this method in an attempt to spare the other person's feelings, but sometimes "ghosting" like this can actually be more confusing and hurtful, and just prolong the inevitable. The person may start to worry about you and may not understand that you're trying to end the relationship, so it's usually best to just be direct if possible.
- Know that if you avoid the person, you may end up having to be direct in the end. They may ask if something is wrong or if you are mad or avoiding them. Prepare yourself to answer these questions.
- One way to avoid people in person is to use work as an excuse, such as, "I'd love to chat, but I really need to get back to work."
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Be realistic. It hurts to reject a person, especially a persistent one, just as it hurts to be rejected. You're not going to get out of this situation without hurting both of your feelings; however, if the friendship is truly a bad fit, it may be time to let it go so you can both create healthier, more productive relationships. [15] X Expert Source Cher Gopman
Dating Coach Expert Interview. 17 May 2019.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionHow do I reject someone without hurting them?Cher Gopman is the Founder of NYC Wingwoman LLC, a date coaching service based in New York City. 'NYC Wingwoman' offers matchmaking, wingwoman services, 1-on-1 Coaching, and intensive weekend bootcamps. Cher is a Certified Life Coach, a former psychiatric nurse, and her work has been featured on Inside Edition, Fox, ABC, VH1, and The New York Post.Tell them as soon as you know how you're feeling since waiting can make the feeling worse.
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QuestionWhat should I do if a boy at school likes me, but I'm not sure if I like him back?Community AnswerImagine yourself dating him. If it doesn't seem right, you probably don't fit together. If it does work, imagine yourself kissing him. If you think "Ew", it's probably not the best idea to date him.
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QuestionWhat do I do if I have already told them yes for friendship, but now don't want to talk anymore?Community AnswerJust ask if you can take a little break. Tell them you want to talk to more people without being interrupted and promise that you can talk soon.
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Tips
- If you must directly reject someone, try to let them down as politely as possible. Being overly blunt or mean creates unnecessary hurt.Thanks
Tips from our Readers
The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of wikiHow readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on wikiHow, please submit it in the field below.
- If you've simply grown apart from a friend, kindly explain that rather than ghosting them. Say something like, "I think we've grown distant, and it's best we go our separate ways."
- Before cutting someone off, carefully consider if they're truly a negative influence. Don't toss aside good friendships on a whim, but do create distance from toxic people.
- When facing rejection yourself, avoid spiraling or obsession. Distract yourself by spending time on hobbies and other relationships. Don't let one person consume you.
- When rejecting advances, give small hints at first, like avoiding plans. Slowly create more distance rather than abruptly shutting the person out.
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References
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/feeling-stuck-how-to-express-your-feelings
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/prisons-and-pathos/202105/how-and-why-say-no
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/prisons-and-pathos/202105/how-and-why-say-no
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/high-octane-women/201203/how-to-deal-with-people-who-drain-you
- ↑ https://www.scienceofpeople.com/how-to-say-no/
- ↑ https://www.scienceofpeople.com/how-to-say-no/
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/saying-no-kindly-and-then-letting-go
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/how-we-work/201302/nine-practices-to-help-you-say-no
- ↑ https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/-/media/CCI/Consumer-Modules/Assert-Yourself/Assert-Yourself---06---How-to-Say-No-Assertively.pdf
- ↑ Cher Gopman. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 17 May 2019.
- ↑ https://positivepsychology.com/great-self-care-setting-healthy-boundaries/
- ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/5_research_based_ways_to_say_no
- ↑ https://www.scienceofpeople.com/fake-friends/
- ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/5_research_based_ways_to_say_no
- ↑ Cher Gopman. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 17 May 2019.
About This Article
Article Summary
X
Telling someone you don’t like them can be awkward, but it’s best to let them know how you feel right away. If the person asks you out, for example, be direct with something like “No, I’m not looking to date right now.” If you dislike someone so much that you don’t want their company at all, try your best to be civil and say something like, “Our values are too different, and I don’t really have time for new friends” instead of telling them off. To make your point clear, don’t engage in chatty conversation with them or agree to plans you don’t actually want to join in on. For more help from our co-author, like how to treat a friendship like a romantic relationship, scroll down.
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