How to Think Before You Speak (And Why It's Important)

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Learn to approach conversations thoughtfully & be a better listener

Co-authored by Kirsten Parker, MFA and Elaine Heredia, BA

Last Updated: March 16, 2025 Fact Checked

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Using the THINK Acronym

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More Strategies & Tips

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Why is it challenging?

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Why It's Important

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Expert Q&A

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Tips

Thinking before you speak is an important skill to master for all kinds of situations. This comprehensive guide will help you learn how to think before speaking using the THINK acronym and other useful strategies. We'll also share expert advice on being a better listener and staying present for whoever's speaking from mindset and action coach, Kirsten Parker, MFA.

Thinking Before You Speak: Quick Tips

Use THINK : Say things that are T rue, H elpful, I nspiring, N ecessary, and K ind.
Listen actively : Focus on someone's words, tone, and body language before responding.
Wait : Take a brief pause or deep breath if you're not sure what to say next.

Section 1 of 4:

Using THINK to Speak with Intention

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1
T: Determine if what you want to say is True . Reflect on what you're about to say and ask yourself if it’s the truth. Don’t make something up just to have something to say and don’t speak if you’re about to tell a lie. If you need to respond, at least modify your answer so it's the truth. ^{[1]
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- For example, if someone asks, “How are you today?” and you’re about to respond with something that’s not true, stop yourself and tell the truth instead.
- Or, if you’re telling someone how well you did on your math test and you’re about to exaggerate, reel yourself in and be honest about your grade instead.
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H: Say something if it’s Helpful or stay silent if it’s not. Speaking up can be beneficial to other people if you have something to say that might be helpful to them. If this is the case, go ahead and speak up. ^{[2]
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Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source} On the other hand, it’s best to remain silent if what you want to say will be hurtful. ^{[3]
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- For example, if you’re watching a friend play a video game and you have a tip that might help them overcome a difficult level, this could be helpful to them and it’s okay to say it.
- However, if you’re watching a friend struggle to beat a level and you're about to mock them for that, don’t say anything.
- Be aware that saying something hurtful isn’t the same as conveying an unpleasant truth, which might be meant to help someone. For example, if you're giving someone constructive criticism, then this can be helpful.
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Words that will inspire, encourage, or uplift other people are always worth saying. If you're about to pay someone a compliment, encourage them to keep working towards a goal, or tell them a story that might inspire them, do it! ^{[4]
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Harvard Business Review
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Tip : In another variation of the THINK acronym, “I” stands for “illegal.” If what you’re considering saying to someone is “illegal,” don’t say it. This may include threatening them or making a discriminatory comment. ^{[5]
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N: Speak if your comment is Necessary . Sometimes speaking up is necessary to prevent something bad from happening, such as issuing a warning or delivering an important message to someone. If this is the case, speak up. But if what you're about to say is unnecessary, it might be better to remain silent. ^{[6]
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- For example, if someone is about to walk out in front of oncoming traffic, speak up to warn them immediately.
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K: Stop yourself from speaking if what you want to say isn't Kind . As the old saying goes, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” Consider if what you’re about to say is kind. If it is, go ahead and speak. If not, don’t say anything. ^{[7]
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- For example, if your friend shows up to your house wearing a flamboyant hat and dress, either pay them a compliment on their fashionable look if you think it looks good, or don’t say anything at all. That way you won't hurt their feelings.
Tip : If what you want to say passes the THINK test, say it! However, if it fails to meet the criteria of any of the letters, revise what you were going to say or don't speak.

Section 2 of 4:

More Strategies for Thinking Before Speaking

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1
Do your best to listen carefully to the other person. Listen when someone else is talking and give them your full attention. Focusing intently on the other person’s words will help you to respond more thoughtfully when they're finished talking. ^{[8]
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Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
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- For example, if someone is telling a story about their weekend, give them your full attention so you can ask them questions about it and comment sincerely on what they said. This is called active listening and makes you a real participant in the conversation.
- Avoid focusing on what you want to say next while the other person is talking. You aren't really listening to them if you do this and you might respond with something that doesn’t relate to what they were just saying.
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Concentrate on the speaker's tone and body language. Another important part of listening to someone is hearing the tone they're using and noticing their body language. Is there a tremor in their voice? Is their leg bobbing up and down like they're anxious? Parker says looking for clues like these can help you listen "for what they mean (not just what they say)."
- Not only does practicing this kind of observation help you form a more helpful response, but according to Parker, it also helps distract you from the habit you're trying to change: "talking too much!"
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Avoid distractions to stay focused on the conversation. It’ll be easier for you to think before you speak if you aren’t constantly looking at your phone, TV, or computer. Put away or turn off anything that might distract you from the person you’re speaking to and focus all your attention on them. ^{[9]
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- It’s fine to pause a conversation to remove distractions. Try saying something like, “Hang on one minute. I just want to turn off the TV so I can give you my full attention.”
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Clarify what the other person just said by asking a question. If you’re unsure how to respond to something the other person said, rather than ramble on, ask them to provide clarification. Rephrase the statement they just made or the question they just asked and check to see if you’re understanding them correctly. ^{[10]
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- For example, you could say something like, “What did you mean when you said you didn’t like the movie’s structure?”
- Or, you could say, “It sounds like you’re saying you want to go home because you aren’t feeling well. Is that right?”
- This tip can also be used to pass the time so you can think of a proper reply.
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Pause for a minute if you find yourself saying “um” or "uh." If you notice you’re doing a lot of umming and uh-hing when trying to reply, this usually means you’re unsure of what to say next and you’re thinking out loud. If this happens, close your mouth and pause for a minute. Take the time to think about what you want to say before you continue.
- It’s fine to simply say, “I need a minute to think about that” if someone asks you a question.
Tip : If you’re giving a presentation or talking with someone and need a longer pause, take a drink of water to give yourself some extra time to think.
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Take a few deep breaths or excuse yourself if you feel tense. If you’re in the midst of an argument or heated conversation with someone or if you’re just feeling nervous about speaking, breathe deeply. Taking a few deep breaths is a good way to calm down, collect your thoughts, and buy yourself a little extra time to think. Take a long, slow breath in through your nose to the count of 4, hold it for 4 seconds, then exhale slowly through your mouth to the count of 4. ^{[11]
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- If you need a longer break to calm yourself down, try excusing yourself to use the restroom or take a quick walk around the block.
- Parker recommends exhaling to reset your parasympathetic nervous system, or the part of our bodies that controls our "fight or flight" feelings. This lets you tap into your "higher thinking," which is where you think about "what really matters to you, what’s actually important in the moment, what your long-term intentions are, etc."
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Practice conversing in social situations. For extra help improving your conversational skills, go out and start socializing. Join a local non-profit organization or go to your favorite coffee shop or bar (or somewhere new where no one knows you) Engage people in conversation and practice responding appropriately. This kind of real-life trial may sound scary, but it's beneficial because it forces you to learn to think on the spot. ^{[12]
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You may be a talkative person, which is why you have a hard time thinking carefully before you start speaking. You just have a lot to say – and that's okay! Just consider journaling to release some of your cluttered thoughts. ^{[13]
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Research source} This can free your mind from internal distractions and let you focus on the person in front of you and the best way to answer them.
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Set reminders to think before you speak. These reminders can be in the form of an alarm or a special wallpaper on your phone that reads, "Think before you speak"; sticky notes on the bathroom mirror and other surfaces in your home; or even a temporary tattoo (if that's what it takes!). This will help solidify the message in your mind and commit it to memory. Soon, you may not even need memory aids anymore!
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Practice mindful meditation. Mindful meditation is when you sit quietly by yourself and focus your attention on the present. Your goal is to get better at observing the world around you without judgment and stop getting lost in your emotions. If you practice this daily or at least a few times a week, you can train your mind to concentrate in situations where you need to listen and respond to others with thoughtfulness.
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Take a course to learn how to communicate. Being able to say the right things at the right time without blurting out your thoughts is an important communication skill. If you're having trouble practicing it on your own, consider enrolling in a communications class at your local college or community center. Having a place to go and a group to work with could be just what you need to harness the power of thinking before speaking. ^{[14]
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If you've just recently realized you have a problem thinking before speaking, it may take a lot of time and effort to see improvement. The good news is you will get better! So rather than get discouraged, stick to your goal of being more mindful of what you say and becoming a better listener.

Section 3 of 4:

Why It's Hard to Think Before You Speak

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According to a Harvard research study, humans spend 30-40% of conversations talking about themselves. The reason for that is when you talk about yourself, your brain releases a chemical called dopamine – the same one it releases when you reward yourself with your favorite food or have great sex. ^{[15]
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Research source} So when you speak without thinking, it could just be that your brain is literally craving for you to talk about yourself!
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We're easily distracted by our thoughts or environment. In fact, humans may be biologically hardwired to be distracted. A scientific study showed that humans focus only during "bursts" of attention. In between those bursts, we're looking around and surveying our environment. We may not even realize we're doing it, but our brains are checking for things that might be more important than whatever we're trying to concentrate on. ^{[16]
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Research source} That includes the person talking to us!
- This makes it even more likely we'll respond without thinking because our thoughts aren't really present for the entire conversation.
Often when another person is talking, our brain is working so fast that we've already thought of responses to what they're saying. Then we're too distracted by those thoughts to keep actively listening and miss crucial parts of the conversation. ^{[17]
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Trustworthy Source
Harvard Business Review
Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices
Go to source} Then, when it's finally your turn to answer, your reply can come across as untimely or insensitive because you're responding to the last thing you heard, not the last thing the other person said.

Section 4 of 4:

Why Thinking Before Speaking Is Important

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One of the biggest consequences of not thinking before speaking is we blurt out whatever's in our head without considering the other person. Unfortunately, our current thoughts aren't always kind or tactful. In many cases, the words we speak without thinking are hurtful or at the very least inappropriate for the tone of the conversation. ^{[18]
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Research source} Practicing thinking before talking can help us avoid these harmful situations.
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It protects us from embarrassing ourselves. Most of our thoughts are private and would be embarrassing if we spoke them out loud. If we don't practice thinking before we speak, we might say something we regret which makes other people laugh at us or think we're strange. ^{[19]
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- Avoiding embarrassment from saying the wrong thing is a big concern for many neurodivergent people, as these individuals tend to miss social cues that are obvious to most people. For them, thinking before speaking is critical but also challenging.
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It helps us be better listeners and offer thoughtful feedback. Listening actively to someone when they're speaking to us helps us deepen our relationship with them. It also makes them feel seen and heard and lets us show we care. Finally, it empowers us to think of responses that will lead to helpful and important discussions. ^{[20]
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Research source} That's an especially important skill to have when other people ask you for advice.
- Parker says, "The key to effective listening is presence. Before entering a conversation, consciously set the intention to be present with this person." In other words, focus on them and do your best to not let your own thoughts or the surrounding environment distract you.

Expert Q&A

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Question

How can I talk smartly and confidently?

Lynn Kirkham
Public Speaking Coach
Lynn Kirkham is a Professional Public Speaker and Founder of Yes You Can Speak, a San Francisco Bay Area-based public speaking educational business empowering thousands of professionals to take command of whatever stage they've been given - from job interviews, boardroom talks to TEDx and large conference platforms. Lynn was chosen as the official TEDx Berkeley speaker coach for the last four years and has worked with executives at Google, Facebook, Intuit, Genentech, Intel, VMware, and others.

Lynn Kirkham

Public Speaking Coach

Expert Answer

Stop and think about why you're speaking in the first place. Is your topic important to your intended audience, something that matters a lot to them? Remind yourself of how important your words are to these people. Then, practice using the right body language for what you're saying. How you hold yourself is a critical factor in how your audience views what you're saying. To prepare for a situation in which you need to talk a lot, create and listen to a playlist that inspires you. You want to get excited and pumped up about talking in front of or to people. You don't want the conversation to turn into a chore.

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Make sure the other person is finished talking before you respond or start a new topic.

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Pay attention to the other person's body language and tone while they're speaking. This will help you concentrate on them instead of getting distracted by thoughts of what you want to say next.

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How to Think Before You Speak (And Why It's Important)

Thinking Before You Speak: Quick Tips

Steps

Using THINK to Speak with Intention

More Strategies for Thinking Before Speaking

Why It's Hard to Think Before You Speak

Why Thinking Before Speaking Is Important

Expert Q&A

Video

Tips

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