How to Have Fun in Bed While Avoiding Sex in a Relationship

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Increasing intimacy with your partner without going all the way
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When you think of being intimate with your partner, you might automatically think of having sex. But if you’re abstaining from sex, either for now or until marriage, going all the way might not be an option for you. Fortunately, there are many different ways you can increase your intimacy with your partner without ever having sex. For fun, flirty ways to feel connected with your significant other, keep reading!

How to Be Intimate without Intercourse

  1. Cuddle and touch each other in non-sexual ways.
  2. Give your partner a full-body massage.
  3. Make out or kiss other parts of your partner's body.
  4. Have sexy photoshoot.
  5. Play a game, read, or watch something together.
Method 1
Method 1 of 3:

Being Physically Intimate Without Intercourse

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  1. Hold hands , hug, or sit close to each other in bed. Enjoy touching and being close to one another without it having to go any further than that. [1]
    • When you go to sleep, cuddle with your partner to feel closer together.
  2. Kiss each other in different ways. Kiss each other, taking time to explore different ways of kissing. If you aren’t sure what to try next, have your partner name their favorite and try it out! You could try a French kiss, a lizard kiss, or even a Spiderman kiss. [2]
    • Don’t take yourselves too seriously. Laugh when the kisses feel awkward! You’re building intimacy by experimenting with what works and doesn't work.
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  3. Give each other full-body massages to relax and unwind. Using a scented oil or lotion, take turns massaging each other’s bodies. How much of each other’s bodies you massage depends on your boundaries: you can just massage one another’s necks and backs if you aren’t ready to go further than that. [3]
    • Set the mood by lighting a few candles and playing relaxing music.
    • You don’t have to be a professional masseuse to make your partner feel great. Check in with them often by asking, “How does that feel?” or, “Where do you want me to massage next?”
  4. Make out , but with rules. Setting rules will not only help you stick to your boundaries, but it will also make things extra sexy. Maybe neither one of you can remove an item of clothing, or you can’t touch each other above the waist. Set rules that both you and your partner are comfortable with, then have fun. [4]
    • Feel free to take a breather if things are getting too hot and heavy. Say something like, “Sorry, I just need a minute,” while you catch your breath.
  5. Touch and kiss the areas of your partner’s body that don’t usually get attention during sex, like their legs, stomach, or back. [5] Take time to enjoy exploring your partner’s body, and build a physical intimacy with your partner that doesn’t depend on sexual intercourse.
    • If you’re worried about taking your partner’s clothes off, kiss the parts of their body that you can see when they’re still wearing clothing, like their neck, cheek, or hands.
  6. You can do this to varying degrees. For example, you might agree not to touch each other, and then sit across from each other and slowly undress.
    • To take it up a notch, you could sit across from each other and touch yourselves, with the rule that you are not allowed to touch each other. [6]
  7. This is a fun way for you and your partner to explore one another’s bodies without touching each other. Doing this allows you to slow down and appreciate every detail of your partner's body. [7]
    • Make this even more exciting by setting up a still life scene and asking your partner to model in it. They can keep some of their clothes on, or they can undress all the way.
  8. Take photos of each other looking sexy in bed. You can make this as silly or as sexy as you want. Do an online search of “80s glamor shots” for inspiration. [8]
    • Try a funny, light-hearted photoshoot by wearing a fancy dress or suit and a feather boa. Make silly faces while posing on top of the bed.
    • If you have cats, incorporate them into the photo for added hilariousness.
  9. Try phone sex when your partner is away. Make a date to have a sexy phone call or sexting session while you’re both in bed. This could range from flirting to sending sexy photos of each other, to having full on phone sex. [9]
    • If you do send sexy photos to one another, exercise caution: anything you send to your partner could end up in someone else’s hands.
    • If you’re worried about someone else seeing you in a vulnerable position, either don’t take the photo or keep your face out of it.
  10. You and your partner can be physically intimate without having sexual intercourse. If you're comfortable making out but you're not comfortable having sexual intercourse, then don’t have sexual intercourse. You don’t owe it to your partner. [10]
    • Don’t let anyone else define your boundaries for you. Only do what you’re comfortable with.
  11. If things get hot and heavy and you want to stop, let your partner know. A good partner will respect your wishes immediately and back off so you can both take a breather. [11]
    • If your partner repeatedly tries to convince you to go further than the boundaries you've set, consider whether they are worth continuing a relationship with.
    • While it's okay for your partner to check in with you now and then, they should never make you feel bad for your decision.
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Method 2
Method 2 of 3:

Building Intimacy Without Sexual Contact

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  1. It can be fun just to sit in bed with your partner and do non-sexual things. Playing a board game is a great way to cozy up with your partner in bed without it turning into something sexual. You might try:
  2. Sit next to each other fully clothed, propped up on pillows, and take turns reading to each other. You can even take turns choosing which book you read. How close you sit depends on your level of comfort. [12]
    • If you’re worried about it turning sexual, try staying above the covers while sitting next to each other. You could also sit on opposite ends of the bed with only your feet touching.
    • You can read each other romantic stories for a sexy twist (and maybe to laugh at how cheesy they are).
  3. Sitting in bed, listen to an album. Go over the lyrics. Sit close to each other and enjoy the closeness of your partner’s body, but don’t go further than simply holding hands or cuddling up close.
    • Take turns sharing your favorite albums with each other, and pick out the best songs on each one. You can learn a lot about someone from what their favorite song or album is.
  4. Write questionnaires out for each other or look up romantic questions to ask your partner . Sit on opposite sides of the bed, each with a clipboard, and fill out your answers, then pass them to each other once you’re done so you can read the responses. [13]
    • Or, you can ask each other questions back and forth and chat about each one as you go down the list.
  5. Cozy up in bed together with some snacks and lots of pillows, and watch a movie. If you're worried that it will turn into a make-out session, try placing some pillows between you and using separate blankets. [14]
    • Can’t decide what movie to watch ? Revisit the classics and watch a favorite from your childhood.
    • If being separated by pillows and blankets doesn’t work, it’s okay to say it isn't working and ask your partner if they want to do something else.
  6. Make your bed into a fort by adding some fairy lights and warm blankets. When it’s done, sit inside and watch a movie or tell spooky stories.
    • If your bed isn’t quite big enough, make a fort in your living room instead.
  7. Sitting close to your partner in bed, you might find it difficult to resist the urge to do more than just cuddle. If you find yourself thinking about going further than your pre-set boundaries, consider moving away from your partner or even suggesting that you two move to a different location. [15]
    • If you’re worried about offending your partner by moving away from them, you could make up an excuse for wanting to move—for example, “My back hurts sitting here, let’s move over to the couch in the living room,” or “Hey I’m feeling a bit restless, let’s take a break and go for a walk!”
    • Getting out into public spaces will make it easier to resist acting on your sexual urges.
  8. In a healthy relationship, you’ll be close with your partner for many reasons beyond having sex. You can build closeness and trust in the relationship by talking, listening, sharing, respecting each other’s ideas, and simply by hanging out and taking pleasure in each other’s company. [16]
    • If your partner tries to tell you that sex is the only way you can be close, consider whether the relationship is really what you want.
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Method 3
Method 3 of 3:

Discussing Your Boundaries

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  1. Does it mean everything but sexual intercourse? Does it mean kissing and cuddling, but nothing else? Having clearly defined boundaries will make it easier for you and your partner to hold off on having sex until you’re both ready. [17]
    • For instance, some people prefer to hold off on any sexual contact, while others are fine with doing everything except penetration.
  2. You might find it helpful to write these down on a piece of paper, in your journal, or in a text document on your computer. This is just for you, so don’t be afraid to be completely honest. Things to consider: [18]
    • What would the perfect relationship be for you? Are you in it right now?
    • What do you love about your partner? Are they a kind person? Supportive? Funny? Smart? Physically fit?
  3. It can be difficult to think clearly in the heat of the moment. Make the decision to talk about abstinence together before you’re aroused—preferably before you’ve become too physically intimate at all. [19]
    • Clearly stating your boundaries early in the relationship may be daunting, but it will make things easier for you and your partner in the long run.
    • If you're looking for a partner on dating apps, you can state your boundaries in your bio so that any potential dates know your situation upfront. If you're new to online dating, make a profile on an app like Tinder, Hinge, or Match.
    • Reader Poll: We asked 254 wikiHow readers and 56% of them named Tinder as their favorite online dating platform. [Take Poll] So that one might work for you, too!
  4. Sit down with your partner and let them know what you’re okay with doing (and what you aren’t okay with doing). Let them know that these are your own boundaries, and while it has nothing to do with them, your partner needs to respect them. Try saying something like: [20]
    • “Before we get too serious, I wanted to talk about my boundaries about sex. I’ve decided to wait until marriage before having sex, and I need you to respect that. But I’m comfortable kissing you and cuddling with you.”
    • “I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you these past few weeks. Is it okay if we wait to have sex until we’re in a committed relationship? I’m fine doing other things with you, but I’d like to wait and have sex until we know each other a little bit better.”
    • You two are on the same team: make sure they know this. You’re talking to them because you want them to know your wants and needs, and you are open to hearing theirs, too.
    Emily Morse, Author & Sex Therapist

    Owning your sexuality is empowering. "We need to take control and have agency over our own bodies."

  5. If this is the first time you’ve brought up abstinence with your partner, they may be surprised. They may have a lot of questions, so it's important that you both communicate in an open and considerate manner. [21]
    • Don’t be defensive if your partner has a lot of questions. They may just be trying to get a better understanding of where you’re coming from.
    • In a healthy relationship, you’ll be able to discuss your thoughts, feelings, and needs with your partner without it turning into a fight. If your partner gets upset at you, try to stay calm. It may even be necessary to leave them alone and give them some time to process what you've said.
  6. Having a serious talk can be exhausting both physically and emotionally. Try not to let the talk go on for longer than an hour if possible. When you’re both exhausted, you’re more likely to say things you don't mean and to make decisions you regret.
    • If your discussion isn’t done but you’re both tired, make a date to continue the discussion later. You don’t even have to leave each other’s presence if you don't want to; you can just agree to put the discussion on hold until you both have more energy to return to it.
  7. It may take some time for your partner to process what you’ve talked about and come back to you with their own questions and answers. If they listen but don't respond right away, don’t panic. They might just need some time to process what you’ve talked about. [22]
    • Your partner could need anywhere from a few minutes to a few days to think about what you’ve said. Give them the time they need to process their feelings, and don’t push them for a response when they aren't ready to give you one.
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    How can I be romantic with my partner?
    Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT
    Licensed Relationship Therapist
    Alysha Jeney is a Licensed Relationship Therapist, the Owner of Modern Love Counseling, and the Co-Founder of The Modern Love Box. She specializes in relationship therapy, intimacy building, and existential exploration. Alysha holds a BA in Psychology from The Metropolitan State University of Denver and an MA in Marriage and Family Therapy/Counseling from Regis University. She has been featured in publications such as The Washington Post and The Huffington Post.
    Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT
    Licensed Relationship Therapist
    Expert Answer
    You can be romantic with your partner through spontaneity, intentionality, and emotional communication.
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    Not Helpful 8 Helpful 14
  • Question
    What are the things I can do to up our romance?
    Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT
    Licensed Relationship Therapist
    Alysha Jeney is a Licensed Relationship Therapist, the Owner of Modern Love Counseling, and the Co-Founder of The Modern Love Box. She specializes in relationship therapy, intimacy building, and existential exploration. Alysha holds a BA in Psychology from The Metropolitan State University of Denver and an MA in Marriage and Family Therapy/Counseling from Regis University. She has been featured in publications such as The Washington Post and The Huffington Post.
    Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT
    Licensed Relationship Therapist
    Expert Answer
    You can have intimate and emotional conversations with your partner on a date. Use sweet gestures to up your romance. For example, you can do something thoughtful for your partner without her asking you to do it.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
    If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
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      Warnings

      • If you and your partner aren’t having sex but you’re still getting naked together, consider using birth control. This will help prevent any accidents. [23]
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        Helpful 0 Not Helpful 0
      • STIs (sexually transmitted infections) can be transmitted without having intercourse. If you and/or your partner have been sexually active with anyone else, it’s a good idea to get tested for STIs. [24]
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/sexual-mindfulness/202207/why-non-sexual-touch-is-so-essential
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/modern-minds/202309/a-perfect-kiss-the-truth-behind-this-loving-and-sexy-signal
      3. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/benefits-of-massage
      4. ↑ https://www.pennmedicine.org/updates/blogs/health-and-wellness/2018/february/affection
      5. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/relationships/why-do-we-kiss
      6. ↑ https://www.optionsforsexualhealth.org/facts/sex/intimacy-and-relationships/
      7. ↑ https://www.relationships.org.au/document/intimacy-in-relationships/
      8. ↑ https://www.thecouplescenter.org/intimacy-in-a-relationship-creating-and-building-it/
      9. ↑ https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/why-do-people-sext-and-who-is-likely-to-do-it/
      1. ↑ https://www.plannedparenthood.org/blog/sexual-boundaries-how-to-listen-to-your-body
      2. ↑ https://www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-relationships/having-sex/how-to-say-no-to-sex-3934.html
      3. ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/relationships-creating-intimacy
      4. ↑ https://www.betterrelationships.org.au/intimacy/
      5. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/relationships/effective-ways-to-keep-your-partner-interested
      6. ↑ https://myhealth.alberta.ca/Health/aftercareinformation/pages/conditions.aspx?hwid=ug6515
      7. ↑ Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT. Licensed Relationship Therapist. Expert Interview. 11 August 2021.
      8. ↑ https://positivepsychology.com/great-self-care-setting-healthy-boundaries/#:~:text=Setting%20healthy%20boundaries%20requires%20self,that%20convey%20assertiveness%20and%20clarity
      9. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/mental-health/wellbeing/emotional-intelligence-love-relationships
      10. ↑ https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/our-work/public-engagement/healthy-relationships/top-tips-building-and-maintaining-healthy-relationships
      11. ↑ https://www.loveisrespect.org/everyone-deserves-a-healthy-relationship/how-to-set-boundaries/
      12. ↑ https://www.joinonelove.org/boundaries-2/
      13. ↑ https://www.ashasexualhealth.org/sex-and-relationships/
      14. ↑ https://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/teen/dating-sex/Pages/Birth-Control-for-Sexually-Active-Teens.aspx
      15. ↑ https://medlineplus.gov/sexuallytransmittedinfections.html

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      There are plenty of ways to have fun with your partner in bed without having sex. For example, you can hold hands, cuddle, or stroke each other’s hair. While you cuddle, tell each other stories, listen to music, or watch a movie to entertain yourselves. Alternatively, give each other massages, which is a great way to relax and get to know each other’s bodies. You can also practice kissing in different ways to discover what you both like best. If you think you might be tempted to take it further, agree to boundaries. For instance, you’re not allowed to take off any clothes or touch each other below the waist. For more tips, including how ask your partner to have fun without sex, read on!

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