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Arguments don't have to be hurtful, but they can easily turn that way if you're not careful. Luckily, there are several techniques and tricks you can try, which will allow you to get your point across without turning the discussion into a full-on fight. The ability to argue effectively is actually a great skill to learn, and can come in handy in a wide variety of situations, giving you the confidence to stand up for yourself and what you believe in. Remember to pick your battles though - some things just aren't worth arguing over!
Steps
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Play fair. Odds are you know exactly how to push the other person's buttons, but it's important to resist if you want to have a civil argument. Resolve that no matter how upset he or she makes you, you will not say the one thing you know would push the argument over the edge. [1] X Research source
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Respect the other person. Respect what the other person has to say. An argument has to be two-sided; if you fail to hear the other side out, they will return the gesture and not listen to you. Refuting a person's opinion is fine, but refusing to hear it makes a debate pointless. [2] X Research source
- You should always be respectful when arguing with another person. Remember, that's what they are: another person. Treat them the way that you would want to be treated. Don't immediately dismiss their ideas just because they don't agree with you. Listen to them.
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Attack ideas, not the person they're attached to. When you argue with someone, you should remember to only attack that person's ideas, not the person themselves. That means you shouldn't call the person stupid for thinking what they think, and you shouldn't devolve to attacks on their physical appearance either.
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Apologize when appropriate. If you've hurt someone or your argument caused problems, you should apologize. [5] X Research source Be the adult in the situation and take responsibility for your actions.
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Be open to new ideas. The best way to argue positively is to be open to new ideas. You don't want to be wrong in an argument again, do you? Open yourself to the possibility of a better way of thinking or new, fascinating information. [6] X Trustworthy Source Edutopia Educational nonprofit organization focused on encouraging and celebrating classroom innovation Go to source
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Make them feel smart. When you make people feel stupid, that makes them shut down and tends to quickly lead an argument nowhere. Make them feel smart and you'll have an easier time turning the argument in your favor. [7] X Research source
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Use evidence tailored to the argument and audience. Evidence from reliable sources that specifically supports and deals with what you're arguing about can be one of the easiest ways to win an argument. You should also tailor the type of evidence you use to what kind of person they are, using more logical or more emotional evidence based on what you think they'll respond to best.
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Look for logical fallacies. Pointing out fallacies in their logic and politely explaining why that logic is bad is a good way to start to change someone's mind. Learning to recognize logical fallacies can be challenging but here are a few common ones: [8] X Trustworthy Source Purdue Online Writing Lab Trusted resource for writing and citation guidelines Go to source
- Watch out for arguments with incorrectly assume that correlation means causation. For example, rates of autism diagnosis increased with the usage of cell phones. Therefore, autism is caused by cellphone usage. Post-hoc fallacies are similar, but are based on the idea that because A preceded B, B was caused by A.
- An Argument from Silence fallacy is the idea that because there is no evidence for something, it must not exist. For example, God/germs/evolution/aliens do not exist because we have never physically witnessed them.
- Non-Sequiturs are when the conclusion of an argument is unrelated to its premise. For example, the argument that we can't pay teachers more because police officers and firefighters do not make that much money. [9] X Research source
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Paint them as the hero or victim. People like to think of themselves as the main character in their life story. Keep them thinking this and charm them into changing their views by carefully tailoring how you talk about the issues.
- For example, "I know you really, really want to help people. You're one of the most generous people that I know. But if you really wanted to help people, you wouldn't donate to a charity that misuses their money like that. Don't you want to be sure that your money is directly saving lives?"
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Curate your language. When you argue, avoid language like "you" and "me". Instead, use words like "we". This brings your opponent into thinking of the two of you as a single unit with singular interests, rather than driving you apart.
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Know when to stop. [10] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Business Review Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices Go to source Sometimes, someone won't be able to change their mind right in front of you. Sometimes you have to just back off and their mind will change slowly over the course of time, as they think about what you said. Of course, sometimes you just have to persist too. It's a subtle art that you may just have to experiment with. [11] X Research source
- Generally, if someone seems like they're getting really upset, it's time to end the argument.
- Close the argument with something like, "Okay, I can see that I can't change your mind but, please, just think about what I said."
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Don't provoke an argument. Starting an argument, clearly provoking one, will get noticed by the people you argue with. They'll be much less likely to take you seriously because they know you just want to shout for a while. Avoid looking like a troll if you want to have an effective argument.
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Be real. [12] X Research source Let your humanity and who you are as a person show through. This makes you more sympathetic and less angering to the people you argue against. Explain why you believe the thing that you believe and be willing to admit when an idea is your own, rather than using the "devil's advocate" cover up for an idea you know won't be popular.
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Stay on topic. [13] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Business Review Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices Go to source The fastest way to make an argument totally pointless is to let it get derailed. Stay on topic when you argue and when the other person derails, get them back on track. Solving a single disagreement is better than getting nowhere with 20 separate issues. Discuss one issue at a time, covering everything you want to say about it. When it's been settled or you've reached an impasse, move on to the next topic.
- Don't allow subject changes. The other person might try to change the subject in order to cover up a mistake. Many people, when proven wrong in some area, will rather be dismissive of their mistake rather than acknowledging their error. Either leave the argument if the person refuses to acknowledge mistakes ("It doesn't matter", "Whatever, that's my opinion.", etc.), or insist they acknowledge their error.
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Explain, explain, explain. Explain why you have the belief that you have, where you got your information from, and how you come to your conclusions. This can expose misunderstandings but it also forces your opponent to enter your head-space and follow your line of reasoning. It can be an effective way to win people over! [14] X Research source
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Understand and acknowledge their argument. When you argue with someone, acknowledge their argument and make sure that you actually understand what they're saying. Clarify with them if you have to. [15] X Trustworthy Source Purdue Online Writing Lab Trusted resource for writing and citation guidelines Go to source
- If you're not sure how to counter their argument, use your active listening skills. Invite the other person to talk, and be really interested in them and what they have to say. Then, paraphrase what you're hearing to show the person you're following along. [16]
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Expert Source
Jessica Notini, JD
Negotiation & Mediation Coach Expert Interview. 27 March 2020.
- If you're not sure how to counter their argument, use your active listening skills. Invite the other person to talk, and be really interested in them and what they have to say. Then, paraphrase what you're hearing to show the person you're following along. [16]
X
Expert Source
Jessica Notini, JD
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Argue from a good premise. Make sure that you understand the basis of your argument before you argue. You should also make sure you agree with the premise of your opponent's argument. If you don't agree with the example they're using, or if you think it isn't representative or the idea is flawed in some way, say so before getting knee-deep in an argument. Letting your opponent work from a flawed premise makes it harder to show them the correct ideas.
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Don't require the last word. Both of you feeling the need to have the last word in an argument can quickly lead a conversation into a Bottomless Anger Pit of Doom. Don't go into the Bottomless Anger Pit of Doom. You wouldn't like it there. Just "agree to disagree" [17] X Research source and go cool down.
- If you've been talking for a long time and neither one of you is budging, consider calling it a day. There are some arguments you can't win, no matter how good your argument is, if the other person isn't willing to rethink the problem. If you know when to quit, you might still be able to preserve the relationship.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionHow do you argue in a relationship?Maya Diamond is a Dating and Relationship Coach in Berkeley, CA. She has 15 years of experience helping singles stuck in frustrating dating patterns find internal security, heal their past, and create healthy, loving, and lasting partnerships. She received her Master's in Somatic Psychology from the California Institute of Integral Studies in 2009.Being vulnerable and admitting you were wrong is always better than blaming, shaming, judging, or criticizing the other person.
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QuestionHow do you argue like a pro?Jessica Notini is a Negotiation and Mediation Coach practicing in California and internationally in many Latin countries. She is also a Lecturer at Stanford Law School and an Adjunct Professor at Boalt School of Law, Hastings College of the Law, and Mills College's MBA Program. She is the past Chair of the California State Bar Alternative Dispute Resolution Committee, served as the President of the Association for Dispute Resolution of Northern California (formerly NCMA), and was a member of the Board of Directors for the Mediation Society of San Francisco. She was recognized for her leadership and years of dedication with the California Dispute Resolution Council’s 2012 Don Weckstein Award. She has a BA in Psychology from Wesleyan University and a JD from the University of Michigan.You should think about what your position is in the argument. However, don't forget to consider the other person's stance, as well. That's the only way you'll be able to reach them.
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QuestionHow can I be a good listener in an argument?Jessica Notini is a Negotiation and Mediation Coach practicing in California and internationally in many Latin countries. She is also a Lecturer at Stanford Law School and an Adjunct Professor at Boalt School of Law, Hastings College of the Law, and Mills College's MBA Program. She is the past Chair of the California State Bar Alternative Dispute Resolution Committee, served as the President of the Association for Dispute Resolution of Northern California (formerly NCMA), and was a member of the Board of Directors for the Mediation Society of San Francisco. She was recognized for her leadership and years of dedication with the California Dispute Resolution Council’s 2012 Don Weckstein Award. She has a BA in Psychology from Wesleyan University and a JD from the University of Michigan.Use your active listening skills. Be really interested in what the other person is saying, and say things like "Oh yeah?" or "Uh huh" to show them you're following along. Then, repeat what they just said back to them in your own words to show that you understood them.
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Tips
- An argument can be reasonable and without anger, as long as both parties are reasonable. A fight on the other hand, differs from an argument in the sense that an argument is meant to decide which hypothesis (point) is true (or truest), whereas a fight is meant simply to establish dominance over a person.Thanks
- Be nice and respectful to the other person. We have different thoughts because we are humans.Thanks
- Remember that people can be good friends although they have different opinions.Thanks
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Warnings
- Sometimes it is best not to argue about politics or religion unless you are very close to the other person, and you know that they will respect your opinion. Most people cannot agree on these topics.
- If you are arguing with a reasonable person, politics can be successfully and reasonably debated. However, it is more difficult to reach agreement on topics of religion because the perceived stakes of "winning" or "losing" the argument are much higher.
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References
- ↑ https://cmhc.utexas.edu/fightingfair.html
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fighting-fear/201209/the-proper-way-argue
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/happiness-in-world/201012/how-admit-youre-wrong
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201703/the-mindset-makes-it-hard-admit-youre-wrong
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-dance-connection/201409/the-9-rules-true-apologies
- ↑ https://www.edutopia.org/article/guiding-students-be-open-new-ideas/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-happiness-project/201305/7-tips-making-other-people-feel-smart-and-insightful
- ↑ https://owl.purdue.edu/owl/general_writing/academic_writing/logic_in_argumentative_writing/fallacies.html
- ↑ https://iep.utm.edu/fallacy/
- ↑ https://hbr.org/2011/02/arguing-is-pointless
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-fitness/201209/10-tips-help-avoid-ugly-arguments
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/intimacy-path-toward-spirituality/201405/what-it-really-means-be-real
- ↑ https://hbr.org/2016/03/when-an-argument-gets-too-heated-heres-what-to-say
- ↑ https://www.comm.pitt.edu/argument-basics
- ↑ https://owl.purdue.edu/owl/general_writing/academic_writing/establishing_arguments/organizing_your_argument.html
- ↑ Jessica Notini, JD. Negotiation & Mediation Coach. Expert Interview. 27 March 2020.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201605/do-you-or-your-partner-always-need-have-the-last-word
About This Article
Article Summary
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To argue persuasively, start by adopting a friendly tone that won’t make the other person feel stupid. Then, use evidence from reliable sources to support your argument, and tailor your response to the person you’re arguing with, using logical or emotional terms depending on what will resonate best. When making your argument, use language like “we” instead of “you” and “me,” to give the impression that you're both on the same side and want the same things. Additionally, look for logical fallacies in the person’s argument, like nonsequiturs, and point out why that logic is bad. To learn how to argue effectively by staying on topic, keep reading!
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