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Sometimes it can feel like every family member is off in their own personal world, or nobody is really in sync with each other. It doesn't help that nowadays there are so many things distracting us all and keeping us busy. The good news is that it’s still totally possible to bring your family together and feel closer and more united. It just takes making some changes at home (some big, some small, and some really fun!) and working together as a family, and we're here to show you how to get started.
Steps
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Use effective communication skills . Each member of the family should feel important and valued. This includes you. In order for your family members to hear your needs, you have to express them. Be polite, but honest with your family during discussions.
- For example, if your family usually plans on watching a movie together on Wednesday nights and you can’t do it that night, then you might say, "I know we said Wednesday night would be movie night, but I'm so stressed out about this test tomorrow. Can we move it to another night this week?"
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Listen intently . Just as you want your family members to hear you, it is important that you hear their concerns. Your family members will feel loved and unified with the family if their point of view is heard and respected. Avoid talking over your family members; instead, listen to what they are saying.
- Give your full attention to your family members when they are talking, such as by putting away all distractions (cell phone, computer, etc.) and looking them in the eye.
- Ask questions to show that you are interested, such as “What happened next?” “How do you feel about that?” and “What do you plan to do about it?”
- Show you are paying attention by nodding and making neutral statements, such as “yes,” “uh-huh” and “I see.”
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Show appreciation for each other. Taking family for granted is easily done. Most of them have been around most (or even all) of your life. Make it a point to tell each family member that you are thankful for them, and that you enjoy being a family.
- Traditions such as going around the table at Thanksgiving and saying what each person is thankful for is a good way of showing this appreciation.
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Agree to disagree. All members of your family are not going to agree on every issue. As a family, you have to be flexible and accepting of each person’s point of view. Avoid arguing or bickering over trivial things such as who should take the trash out. Instead, make a conscious effort to divide responsibilities and privileges fairly (fairly does not necessarily mean equally).
- When a conflict arises, use good communication skills and empathy to solve the problem . For example, instead of shouting at each other, allow everyone a chance to talk without being interrupted. While each person is talking, have the rest of the family listen closely and try to understand what the person is saying.
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Give and accept apologies. When arguments do arise (and they will), you should work towards a resolution to the problem. Once the argument is over, apologies may be in order. If you have crossed any lines, you should extend an apology to family members to help smooth things over. The other important part of apologies is accepting them. Whenever a family member offers you an apology, accept the apology and move on to reunify the family.
- Remember to compromise to avoid arguments and resolve them. Also, remember that perfect unity will not exist all the time in any family.
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Make family routines. Routines allow each member of the family to know when and where certain events will happen. Daily routines, such as 6:00 dinner time, serve as touch points throughout the day to bring the family back together. The key to setting routines is to keep them predictable. If you must, write it down for each member of the family.
- You can also create longer running routines, such as weekly grass mowing or a monthly road trip.
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Assign each person chores. For a family to be unified, each person has to pull their own weight. This means that you will have to assign tasks to each individual that everyone else can expect will be carried out. Each time the chores get done properly, it re-enforces trust and respect between family members. You may choose to give each person permanent chores, or rotate the chores every so often so that they are evenly dispersed.
- With children and teens, it can be helpful to rotate the chores. This way, everyone learns to cook, do laundry, etc. This eliminates any feelings of unevenness in the chore disbursement, and teaches all children to be relatively self-sufficient.
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Share other household responsibilities evenly. Some household responsibilities will come up that are not covered on the chore list. When this happens, they should be split between family members, or different family members should rotate doing them. This shows the kind of cooperation and respect that is vital for family unity.
- Once the responsibilities are finished, the whole family can reap the benefits and enjoy your time together.
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Put the family first. To have a sense of family unity, your family member will all have to learn to prioritize the family. This may mean making some sacrifices in other areas, but the sacrifices may lead to a stronger family unit. Some things you can do include:
- Avoid putting work before family plans. Don’t cancel family outings and other family plans if you can help it. This can be difficult, especially if you have a demanding job, but if you frequently cancel on your family to work late or pick up an extra shift, then this can affect your family’s sense of unity.
- Making your family aware that they are your main priority. Your family might not know how much they matter to you. To ensure that they know, try mentioning it. For example, you might start a conversation about values over dinner one night and say something like, “I think the thing that I value the most is my family.”
- Limiting individual outings. Having too many things going on outside of your home may also interfere with your ability to form a strong family unit. This means that you may have to be pickier about what sort of extracurricular activities or hobbies you and your family members engage in. For example, instead of having your kids do three or four different extracurriculars, have them just pick one or two that they really like.
EXPERT TIPMarriage & Family TherapistMoshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).Even simple acts can be an effective way to put your family first. Ask to take on some extra chores, or offer to help with something to show that you care.
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Adopt family traditions. Family traditions create a sense of identity for the family as a whole. They also give individuals something to look forward to. These traditions should generate positive memories and facilitate enjoyable gatherings that bring the family together.
- An example of a tradition is cooking Easter salmon every year at a family gathering.
- You can also have weekly traditions, such as Taco Tuesday, family game night on Thursdays, or Saturday morning walks.
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Take family adventures. An obvious example of a family adventure is a vacation. Unfortunately, many people can only take one vacation per year (or less). Fill in the gaps between vacations with family road trips, even if they are only day trips. You can also go camping or hiking to create a memorable adventure to bring your family together.
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Gather regularly as a family. The most important way to establish unity is to gather together whenever possible. Gathering as a family allows the time needed to have adventures, traditions, and conversations that will unify the family. Make gatherings pleasant by avoiding arguments and facilitating good conversations. [1] X Expert Source Elizabeth Weiss, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 26 July 2019.- For example, you could sit down to eat dinner and talk with your family on three or four nights of every week. Or, you could plan on playing board games together once per week, such as on a Friday or Saturday evening. Try to identify something that will fit into your routine and allow you to enjoy each other’s company.
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Lean on each other. Every family experiences tough times. Whether it’s a death in the family, a job loss, or some other hard time, you should be comfortable leaning on your family members. Also, be sure to let them lean on you when they need it. This will strengthen the bonds of family and reinforce that you can trust each other no matter what the occasion.Brene Brown, Author & Professor of Social Work
Family can amplify your self-worth. "If we have a family who embraces our imperfections, vulnerabilities, and power, and fills us with a sense of belonging, we are incredibly lucky."
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionIs space important in a family if I want to create more unity?Dr. Elizabeth Weiss is a licensed clinical psychologist in Palo Alto, California. She received her Psy.D. in 2009 at Palo Alto University's PGSP-Stanford PsyD Consortium. She specializes in trauma, grief, and resilience, and helps people reconnect with their full self after difficult and traumatic experiences.Yes, everybody needs a little time to themselves every now and then. Try not to get upset if your teenager, partner, or parent needs some space every once in a while. Different people have different needs in this department as well, and there are cultural and social norms that play into this. Long story short, it's perfectly okay if people need a little space. This isn't going to hurt your family's sense of cohesion.
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Tips
- Don't stress, everyone has family issues.Thanks
- It's not always your fault if things between your family aren't working out, other people play a part in this.Thanks
- Have patience!!Thanks
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Warnings
- Do not smother your family members. Over-scheduling gatherings can make them a chore rather than a delight.Thanks
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References
- ↑ Elizabeth Weiss, PsyD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 26 July 2019.
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