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In what seems like an ever-shrinking world, we are constantly being exposed to different ideas. There is no way you will agree with every person who crosses your path. In some cases, you may strongly disagree with their opinion. In spite of differing points of view, you can still find common ground with the other person. You can debate your point of view respectfully and civilly. And, if you need to, you can avoid arguing with the person altogether. Disagreement doesn’t always need to be unpleasant, and in some cases, it can even be educational.
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Listen to their side . Though tensions may be high in a disagreement, and you may chomping at the bit to explain your side, listening to the person explain their point of view will help keep the conversation calm. You will also be better able to understand their side. [1] X Expert Source Maureen Taylor
Communications Coach Expert Interview. 24 March 2021.- Focus on what the other person is saying instead of planning your response to their argument.
- Ask questions. Probe deeper to understand their beliefs. [2]
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Expert Source
Maureen Taylor
Communications Coach Expert Interview. 24 March 2021. You could ask, “How did you come to feel that way?” or “Did your parents have the same opinion?” - A significant part of active listening is nonverbal behavior. Maintaining eye contact, nodding, and squaring your body toward the person communicate both interest and respect toward the person.
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Try to understand where the other person is coming from. People often have different points of view because they have had different life experiences that have shaped them. If you can put yourself in the other person’s shoes, you may better be able to understand where they are coming from. [3] X Expert Source Maureen Taylor
Communications Coach Expert Interview. 24 March 2021. [4] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source- Practice empathy . Think about how it would feel to be the other person and try to understand how they came to their point of view. For example, your friend may be against expanding welfare benefits because his mother worked two jobs, providing for them so they wouldn’t need to rely on food stamps. Your friend has the experience of seeing how it was possible to succeed without relying on welfare, and that has shaped his point of view.
- Paraphrase. Repeat what the other person told you, using slightly different words, to show you are listening to them, as well as to help clarify what you are hearing. For example, if they say, “I grew up poor, and I did just fine without help,” you could say, “It sounds like you were really self-reliant.”
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See if you can agree on something. Consider if there are any points in the other person’s argument that you have in common. Let them know what they are to build common ground.
- For example, you may be against abortion and you are talking to someone who is pro-choice. They may say they wish there was better sex education in schools so that kids understand the risk and impact of teen pregnancy, and you happen to agree. You could say, “I agree with you that we need to do a better job of teaching teenagers about the dangers of unprotected sex and the risk of pregnancy.”
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Stay calm . Look at the disagreement as a discussion to exchange points of view, rather than an argument to win. Resist the urge to raise your voice. As soon as things become heated and emotional, people become more entrenched in their corners and be less likely to agree on anything. [5] X Research source
- The secret to staying calm is maintaining normal breathing and relaxation in the body. Breathing deeply with your diaphragm (so that your belly expands when you inhale, not your chest), can trigger your parasympathetic nervous system, which is calming. Avoid holding or shortening your breaths, pacing, or clenching your hands or jaw (or any other forms of muscle tension).
- When a discussion becomes an argument, there’s no more logic or reasoning, it just becomes a fight to win. If you are trying to convince someone of something they don’t believe, arguing with them will not help anything. They will only become more convinced of their own position. [6] X Research source
- Ask the other person to lower their voice if things become heated. You could say, “Michael, would you mind not yelling? We’re just having a disagreement, I don’t want it to turn into a full-scale fight.”
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Be respectful. Just because somebody doesn’t agree with you doesn’t mean that they are inferior to you, or that they don’t deserve to be treated fairly. If you find yourself struggling to respect their point of view, consider how they may have arrived at this opinion.
- Don’t name-call or demean them. Don’t hit below the belt and escalate to an emotional argument. Stay civil.
- Respect their ideas. Acknowledge that their ideas include valid points, though you do not have to agree with them. You could say, “I think you made a good point when you said…” or “Your comment definitely gives me some food for thought.” [7] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Business Review Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices Go to source
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Acknowledge you value the person, just disagree on ideas. In situations where you still need to interact with a person following a disagreement (family gatherings, work discussions), you may find it helpful to maintain a civil relationship by pointing out that your disagreement is not person-based but issue-based. Try to articulate this during your discussion. It will help both of you refrain from getting emotional.
- You could say, “John, I want to say from the outset that my disagreement on how you handled this project isn’t about your work. You’re a hard worker and I value your contribution to the company. I do feel like you took this report in the wrong direction, and I wanted to get your point of view.”
- Another way you can communicate this is by showing an interest in this person that is outside of the topic of the argument. Ask them about their day, their work or family, etc.
EXPERT TIPEmployee Relations ExpertJeffrey Fermin is an Employee Relations Expert based in Miami, Florida. He currently works as Head of Demand Generation for AllVoices, a platform that manages employee relations issues. Through his work, he has developed extensive experience with understanding human behavior and the intricacies of work life. He’s also the Founder of a full-service marketing company called New Theory. He has more than 13 years of experience in B2B SaaS marketing, and has specifically focused on human resources technology, digital marketing, and content creation. He earned a Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology and a Bachelor of Education from Florida International University. Jeffrey has won a Microsoft Octas Innovation Award and is a TechCrunch Disrupt Runner-Up.Embrace disagreements as learning opportunities, not battles. Actively listen to diverse perspectives and strive for common ground over "winning". Prioritize collaboration and shared learning whenever possible.
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Use facts instead of emotions. An emotional argument is a weak argument. “I don’t like him because he’s mean,” is based on a feeling and not a fact. “I don’t like him because he bullied me on three separate occasions” is concrete and helps you further your argument. [8] X Research source
- Make sure your facts are well-sourced. Not all websites created equal. When pulling facts off the internet, make sure they come from credible sources . One method is to see if you can find the same information from three separate sources.
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Try to not take it personally. In many cases, an argument is not about who you are as a person, it is about an opinion or belief. Try to distance yourself (and the other person) from what you think and feel about an issue. It’s only one aspect of who you are, it is not your whole self. [9] X Research source
- Disagreements will not necessarily damage your relationship with the other person, especially if you debate respectfully and don’t let it get emotional. [10] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Business Review Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices Go to source
- Of course, things are different if someone is arguing with you about who you are — your sexuality or your religion, for example. This is a personal attack and likely not something you want to engage in. You could say, “I’m not defending my faith to you, it’s very personal and not something I am arguing about.”
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Ensure you are speaking only for yourself. When you argue your opinion, make sure you are using “I” language, not “we” language. Even if you know others in your community agree with you, the use of “we” may feel that your opponent feels ganged up upon. [11] X Research source
- For example, you may be active in the LGBTQ community, and you are discussing transgender youth with someone. While “We believe that trans youth are marginalized and need extra support,” may be a true statement, it might sound better to say, “I know that the trans community is working hard to reach trans youth, because they need so much support.” When you have familiarity with a community, it is better to draw on them for expertise rather than a silent “we” army to back you up.
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Believe in yourself. Believe in the integrity of your opinion. Don’t back down just because someone disagrees with you. While it can sometimes be extremely difficult to speak up for what you believe in, don’t be afraid to share your truth. Take a deep breath and be brave. [12] X Research source
- Don’t bottle up your feelings for the sake of politeness. You may be the type of person who doesn’t want to rock the boat or stir the pot, but it is good to express your disagreement from time to time. Otherwise, it’s likely that all that frustration will come out all at once in a big blow-up. [13] X Research source
- Acknowledge it is difficult for you to speak up, and people might give you more space to express yourself. You could say, “I usually don’t contribute to discussions like this because it’s hard for me to express myself sometimes, but I wanted to say….”
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Agree to disagree. If you seem to be going in circles (or nowhere), you two might want to let it lie. Let it go with a smile and change the subject.
- You could say, “Well, it’s been interesting having this debate with you, but I don’t think we’re making any headway here. We could run for office with this kind of record!”
- If the other person seems insistent on continuing the discussion, you could say, “Could I take a rain check? I think we’ve got ourselves going in circles right now. Maybe another time.”
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Change the subject. You don’t need to argue for your point of view all the time. You might be tired, or feel like the discussion with this person never gets anywhere, so you can decide to change the subject and not engage the contentious topic. [14] X Research source
- For example, your conservative uncle wants to pick apart your liberal beliefs for the umpteenth time, and it is never an enjoyable discussion. You could say, “You know what, Uncle Bill? Let’s talk about something other than politics today. I heard you’re remodeling your kitchen. How’s that going?” Most of the time, people get the hint that you don’t want to talk about it.
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Pick your battles. You don’t always need to jump into every argument. If you are at a family dinner and someone states an opinion you disagree with, for example, you don’t need to engage it. Just let their opinion lie there and move on. [15] X Research source
- Pay attention to your surroundings and environment. Notice if you are engaging in a heated argument at an inappropriate time (like in front of children at a family dinner) or in someone else’s space, or are there bystanders who may be being forced to bear witness to the argument and may be uncomfortable.
- If you are talking to someone one-on-one and they bring up a contentious issue, you can just let them talk about it without arguing back. Listen politely and nod. If they ask you what you think, and you don’t wish to engage, you could just shrug and say, “Oh, I don’t know.” [16] X Research source
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Set limits. If the person is berating you or making offensive statements, end the conversation immediately. Do not let it escalate into a fight.
- If you are uncomfortable with the language the other person is using (for example, using too much profanity, or using racist/bigoted language), you could say, “Look, I’m happy to debate this topic with you, but you need to stop with the swearing.”
- If the argument escalates to a place that is too uncomfortable for you, you could put your hand up and say, “Okay, I think we need to end this conversation. I’m going to walk away now before things get worse,” and get some space between you and the other person.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionHow do you respond to something you disagree with?Maureen Taylor is the CEO and Founder of SNP Communications, a leadership communications company based in the San Francisco Bay Area. She has been helping leaders, founders, and innovators in all sectors hone their messaging and delivery for almost 30 years, and has worked with leaders and teams at Google, Facebook, Airbnb, SAP, Salesforce, and Spotify.First of all, try to understand where they are they coming from. Why did they say that? What's going on? What is the experience behind that thought? Don't be afraid of the disagreement. Embrace it, because that's how you will learn.
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QuestionHow do you convince a stubborn person to change their mind?Maureen Taylor is the CEO and Founder of SNP Communications, a leadership communications company based in the San Francisco Bay Area. She has been helping leaders, founders, and innovators in all sectors hone their messaging and delivery for almost 30 years, and has worked with leaders and teams at Google, Facebook, Airbnb, SAP, Salesforce, and Spotify.Listen actively and try be persuasive to the other person. Ask them to convince you that they are right using questions as "Why do you say that?" and "Tell me more?" If they realize you're really listening and caring about what is being said, they may explain the situation and you both may be able to resolve the disagreement.
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References
- ↑ Maureen Taylor. Communications Coach. Expert Interview. 24 March 2021.
- ↑ Maureen Taylor. Communications Coach. Expert Interview. 24 March 2021.
- ↑ Maureen Taylor. Communications Coach. Expert Interview. 24 March 2021.
- ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/empathy/definition#why_practice
- ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/tips-disagree.html
- ↑ https://time.com/110643/how-to-win-every-argument/
- ↑ https://hbr.org/2016/03/how-to-disagree-with-someone-more-powerful-than-you
- ↑ https://www.thebalance.com/my-15-best-tips-for-successful-disagreement-1917874
- ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/tips-disagree.html
- ↑ https://hbr.org/2016/03/how-to-disagree-with-someone-more-powerful-than-you
- ↑ https://www.thebalance.com/my-15-best-tips-for-successful-disagreement-1917874
- ↑ https://www.inc.com/kevin-daum/5-reasons-you-should-speak-up-even-when-you-think-you-shouldnt.html
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/counseling-keys/201411/8-ways-talk-difficult-people
- ↑ https://highlysensitiveperson.net/pushing-buttons-dealing-with-people-who-antagonize-you/
- ↑ https://www.thebalance.com/my-15-best-tips-for-successful-disagreement-1917874
- ↑ https://highlysensitiveperson.net/pushing-buttons-dealing-with-people-who-antagonize-you/
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