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Everything you need to know to start conversations and keep them going in professional and personal settings
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If you're shy or anxious by nature, you may worry about starting or carrying conversations with others. If this sounds like you, have no fear! It’s definitely possible to learn the art of conversation, even if it doesn’t quite come naturally to you. We’ve compiled a complete guide on engaging in conversation, including how to start one and how to keep it going. We’ll also cover behaviors to avoid in order to be a good conversationalist, so keep reading!
Things You Should Know
- When you start a conversation, try to remain calm, and smile at the person you’re talking to. Share an observation or ask a question to get the conversation going.
- Actively listen and ask thoughtful questions to keep the conversation moving. Avoid interrupting, oversharing, or bringing up controversial topics.
- To help you feel more comfortable when the moment comes, practice your skills and prepare a few conversation topics beforehand.
Steps
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Smile and make initial eye contact. When trying to initiate small talk, scan the room to see if there's anyone not already talking to someone. Try to make brief eye contact with them, and offer a smile. [1] X Expert Source Lynn Kirkham
Public Speaking Coach Expert Interview. 20 November 2019. If they smile back, approach them to begin a conversation. [2] X Research source- When you approach them, try a simple greeting. You can say something like, "Hi" or "How are you?"
- Reader Poll: We asked 839 wikiHow readers, and 58% of them agreed that the best phrase to get someone's attention is “Excuse me.” [Take Poll]
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Make an observation or ask a question. A quality conversation starter can do wonders to get the ball rolling. [3] X Research source Observe your surroundings and make a comment about them, or ask a question about the other person. Choose conversation starters that are personal and reflect genuine interest, rather than generic (like commenting on the weather).
- For example, imagine you're at a party at a friend's place. You see a casual acquaintance there, who you know just took the bar exam.
- Start by saying something like, "Hey, how did the bar exam go?" This is personal and specific, which makes it a great opener. It shows that you’re genuinely interested in talking to them.
- If you can’t think of a specific question, comment on your surroundings. While this is less personal, it can work in a bind. Talk about the party decor, or mention how impressive it is that so many people could attend.
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Practice your conversation skills ahead of time. If you're going to a social event and you're anxious about starting conversations, it can be helpful to practice beforehand. [4] X Expert Source Lynn Kirkham
Public Speaking Coach Expert Interview. 20 November 2019. Many people feel more relaxed if they've prepared conversation starters ahead of time. You can even practice in front of the mirror! [5] X Research source While this may sound a little silly, it can be super helpful to dispel any anxiety you might be feeling.- Brainstorm some interesting topics , and make a list of the most promising ones, so that you have them at the ready when the time comes.
- Your list can include general conversation starters, such as “How is your day going so far?” Or “How do you know the host?”
- It can also include more specific conversation starters , like, “Have you watched any good movies lately that you’d recommend?” Or, “Are you a dog or cat person?”
- Compliments also work well. For example, you could say, “I really love your shoes. Where'd you get them from?” Or, “Your jacket looks so warm! Is it new?”
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Ask them thoughtful questions. In a conversation, people want to feel that the other person is interested in them. [6] X Expert Source Lynn Kirkham
Public Speaking Coach Expert Interview. 20 November 2019. Asking questions is a great way to convey your interest, and it can also keep a conversation running smoothly. [7] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good in Action An initiative by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center promoting science-based practices for a meaningful life Go to source- Ask specific follow-up questions based on the information the other person is sharing with you. [8]
X
Trustworthy Source
Greater Good in Action
An initiative by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center promoting science-based practices for a meaningful life
Go to source
- If they mention that they just got back from a vacation to Italy, for example, say something like, “That sounds so amazing! What did you enjoy most over there? Was the food incredible?”
- Make a rule that, before you bring up your own experience or interests, you’ll ask at least one question about what the other person said.
- For example, if you're talking about hockey, ask something like, "Did you play hockey as a kid?" before talking about your favorite teams.
- Ask specific follow-up questions based on the information the other person is sharing with you. [8]
X
Trustworthy Source
Greater Good in Action
An initiative by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center promoting science-based practices for a meaningful life
Go to source
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Listen to what the other person is saying. Oftentimes, people have a tendency to plan their own responses while listening to another person talk, instead of truly taking in what they’re saying. Try to avoid doing this. When someone’s talking, pay attention and keep your mind focused on the present moment. [9] X Research source
- If you do this, you’ll be able to thoughtfully comment on what they’ve said or ask a follow-up question, which will keep the conversation going.
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Summarize and repeat what they’ve said back to them. This active listening skill shows that you’re genuinely interested and paying close attention to what they’re saying. [10] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good in Action An initiative by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center promoting science-based practices for a meaningful life Go to source For example, after they finish talking, you could say:
- “It’s so wild that you ran into your old friend from high school! Did you enjoy catching up with them?”
- Or, “It sounds like you were frustrated that your boyfriend was late to your date. I totally get that! Did you end up working things out?”
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Use engaged body language. Make eye contact and directly face the person you’re talking to. Show that you’re interested by nodding your head and reacting to what they’re saying with animated facial expressions. [11] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good in Action An initiative by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center promoting science-based practices for a meaningful life Go to source
- Pay attention to their body language cues as well, and try to mirror them. This helps you naturally build a connection with the person you’re talking to. [12] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good in Action An initiative by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center promoting science-based practices for a meaningful life Go to source
- For example, if the person you’re talking to leans in closer to tell you something confidential, lean in closer to them, as well.
- Or, if someone makes an excited facial expression while telling you good news, try to mirror their expression to show your enthusiasm.
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Pause between your sentences. This is important to give the other person a chance to jump in. [13] X Expert Source Lynn Kirkham
Public Speaking Coach Expert Interview. 20 November 2019. Even if you have more to say, avoid dominating the conversation and make sure the other person has a chance to speak. [14] X Research source- Pausing also gives the other person a chance to convey interest in what you're saying. They may have something interesting to contribute!
- Additionally, if the person wants to end the conversation, a brief pause gives them the opportunity to do so smoothly.
- Remember, in a good conversation, both people should be talking about the same amount. No party should be monologuing or hogging the conversation more than the other!
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Remember the information they tell you. If you want to be a good conversationalist , attention is key. Actively try to remember what the other party says about any given topic, so you can bring it up again later, if appropriate. This shows that you're engaged and interested in the other person. [15] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- What is this person passionate about? What do they do for fun? Keep track of these things in your mind. If you're able to bring them up later, this shows you were listening.
- For example, if they mentioned that they're in school for filmmaking, you can bring this up again later in the conversation if you’re touching on a similar topic.
- You could say something like, “I know you mentioned earlier you’re getting your degree in film. I’m so curious to hear your perspective on that new movie everyone's talking about. Did you enjoy it?”
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Attempt to relate. This can help you form a connection with the other person. As they share their own hobbies, interests, and passions, look for any common ground the two of you might share. This will help deepen your connection as you converse! [16] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- Be genuine when trying to relate. If your relation to the situation is a stretch, people will pick up on this. It’s best to wait for a moment you can genuinely relate to, rather than forcing it.
- For example, if they mention that they enjoy hiking and you genuinely share this interest, say something like, “I love hiking too! Do you have any favorite spots or recommendations of good hikes to go on around here?”
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Allow the conversation to come to a natural end. Most conversations will run their course. When you and the other person have exhausted a topic, you may notice natural pauses coming more frequently, and enthusiasm may dwindle slightly. Don’t worry—this is completely natural! All good things must come to an end. When this occurs, gracefully leave the conversation on good terms.
- If you're at a party or event, say you need to meet up with friends, or that you need to run to the bathroom. If you're conversing at work, say you need to get back to a task.
- From there, express gratitude for having had the chance to talk. For example, say, "It was really great talking to you. I’m so glad we got to catch up."
- Then, restate a few things you discussed. For example, "I’ll have to check out that book you mentioned," or “I hope that job interview goes well! You’ll have to tell me all about it next time we talk.”
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Avoid mumbling. Some people mumble when they’re nervous, which can make it hard for the other person to hear what's being said. Remind yourself to speak clearly and enunciate your words. This will also help you appear confident and at ease, which does wonders for the flow of a conversation! [17] X Research source
- One way to remind yourself to enunciate is to repeat to yourself, “Enunciate, articulate, exaggerate.” Say these words out loud and speak every syllable of each word in a clear, audible voice. [18] X Research source
- You might also practice speaking clearly before you have a conversation with someone. Say some of the things you want say in a clear, audible voice.
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Avoid oversharing. Many people start to overshare when they get nervous. It’s also possible to misread social cues and think the conversation is becoming deeper than it actually is. It’s absolutely okay to share personal details with friends you’re already close to, but avoid doing this with people you’ve just met. It might be too much too soon, which can make the other person uncomfortable. [19] X Research source
- There's also a chance that this person knows someone you know, which is another good reason to avoid oversharing . Sensitive information might get back to someone in your life, even if you didn’t mean for this to happen. [20] X Research source
- If an event includes alcohol, you may loosen up a bit and feel more tempted to overshare. Try to resist this! It may be best to limit yourself to one or two drinks, so you can keep your wits about you.
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Avoid sensitive or controversial topics. Bringing up these things can leave a negative impression, especially if you’re talking to a stranger or someone you don’t know that well. [21] X Research source To avoid any awkwardness, try not to talk about religion or politics when you’ve just met someone. [22] X Research source
- Additionally, try not to ask any questions about sensitive things like their income, health problems, or family issues, as this can be seen as invasive.
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Avoid trying to one-up the other person. You might just be trying to relate, but this will likely come off as rude. Most people react negatively to those who are always trying to have a better story, worse problems, or more exciting escapades to recount. It's okay to share personal anecdotes if they're relevant, but try not to turn the conversation back to yourself repeatedly. [23] X Research source
- Try to keep your focus on the other person. Ask questions about things they’ve mentioned, and comment on what they’ve shared.
- For example, if someone mentions a recent vacation they took, you might say something like, “That sounds amazing! What sights did you see while you were there?”
- If you’ve also visited this location, it’s okay to mention it, but keep your focus on their trip. Say something like, “Oh, I went there a few years back and loved it! Did you have a good time? What was the best part of the trip?”
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Avoid using phrases that can come off as rude. If you're at a crowded event, for example, it might be difficult to hear the other person talking. You may need to ask them to repeat what they’ve said, but it’s important to do this gracefully to avoid coming off as too blunt. [24] X Research source
- For example, phrases like, "Huh?" and "What?" often come off as abrupt, and they may make the speaker feel awkward.
- If you need clarification at any point, try something like, "Excuse me? Could you repeat that?" or "I'm so sorry—I'm having trouble hearing. What was that?"
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionHow can I engage with another person when we're having a conversation?Lynn Kirkham is a Professional Public Speaker and Founder of Yes You Can Speak, a San Francisco Bay Area-based public speaking educational business empowering thousands of professionals to take command of whatever stage they've been given - from job interviews, boardroom talks to TEDx and large conference platforms. Lynn was chosen as the official TEDx Berkeley speaker coach for the last four years and has worked with executives at Google, Facebook, Intuit, Genentech, Intel, VMware, and others.Try making eye contact with them and smiling while you're talking so you look more involved in the conversation. When they're speaking, look them in the eyes and carefully listen so you can remember what they say.
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Tips
- Allow the conversation to unfold naturally. At times, you may have had something to contribute. However, the conversation went in another direction. Let this go. You can share this thought at another time, in a different conversation.Thanks
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References
- ↑ Lynn Kirkham. Public Speaking Coach. Expert Interview. 20 November 2019.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201409/7-ways-make-small-talk-work-you
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/45-conversation-starters-to-bolster-your-bond-with-your-friends-and-family/
- ↑ Lynn Kirkham. Public Speaking Coach. Expert Interview. 20 November 2019.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-clarity/202209/becoming-small-talk-expert
- ↑ Lynn Kirkham. Public Speaking Coach. Expert Interview. 20 November 2019.
- ↑ https://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/36_questions_for_increasing_closeness
- ↑ https://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/active_listening
- ↑ https://positivepsychology.com/active-listening/
- ↑ https://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/active_listening
- ↑ https://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/active_listening
- ↑ https://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/active_listening
- ↑ Lynn Kirkham. Public Speaking Coach. Expert Interview. 20 November 2019.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201409/7-ways-make-small-talk-work-you
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/healthy-living/how-to-improve-your-memory.htm
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/making-good-friends.htm
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/shyness-is-nice/201809/why-self-confidence-is-more-important-you-think
- ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/nerves.html
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/speaking-in-tongues/202309/too-much-information
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201409/7-ways-make-small-talk-work-you
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/why-bad-looks-good/202104/the-social-impact-discussing-taboo-topics
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/why-bad-looks-good/202104/the-social-impact-discussing-taboo-topics
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-at-any-age/201712/easy-ways-to-tell-whether-youre-an-inadvertent-narcissist
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/think-act-be/201607/why-limit-yourself
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- "It really helped me, because even sometimes I used to sit together with my elders. If they are participating, I just watch them and listen to them and if they laugh, I will just smile. So I really appreciate this, thanks." ..." more
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"It really helped me, because even sometimes I used to sit together with my elders. If they are participating, I just watch them and listen to them and if they laugh, I will just smile. So I really appreciate this, thanks."
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"This is good basic stuff. It will serve you well when approaching others in a new environment, and give some insights on what you should not do if you want to keep a conversation going."
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