How to Overcome Emotional Distance in Your Relationship

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Getting closer to your partner after they've drifted away
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If your partner is acting more distant than usual, you probably want to do everything you can to bring them closer to you again. It’s normal for one or both partners to sometimes feel emotionally distant in a relationship, but that doesn’t make it any easier. Fortunately, there is a lot you can do to help bridge that gap. Keep reading to learn how to fix emotional distance in your relationship so you and your partner can feel closer and more intimate again.

Things You Should Know

  • Accept you and your partner's differences, and think about how those differences make your relationship exciting.
  • Set realistic expectations for you and your partner. It's not reasonable to expect either of you to never make mistakes or always know what each other is thinking.
  • Communicate openly and honestly. Tell your partner what you need from them, and ask them to tell you the same.
1

Accept you and your partner’s differences.

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  1. You and your partner are different people, so it makes sense that you don’t have exactly the same goals or values. Rather than forcing what you want out of your partner, recognize what makes them special and the things you appreciate about them. [1] Your partner will want to get closer to you if you accept them for who they are. [2]
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2

Set realistic expectations for your partner.

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  1. If you have unrealistic expectations for your partner and get upset when they fail to meet them, it can cause your partner to pull away. Make sure the expectations you're setting for your partner and relationship are actually realistic ones that can be met. [3]
    • Expecting your partner to be able to read your mind and know when you're upset is an example of an unrealistic expectation. It's not possible for them to know what's wrong unless you communicate with them! [4]
    • Expecting your partner to never forget things or make mistakes is another example of an unrealistic expectation. Nobody is perfect, so your partner is doomed to fail.
3

Give your partner space.

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  1. Some people need their alone time to recharge, and they might start closing off if they don’t have space to themselves. Leave your partner alone for a little while and let them know that you’re there for them whenever they’re ready. Your partner will appreciate that you respected them and will be drawn back toward you. [5]
    • You could say, “I know you need some time to yourself right now, but I’m here whenever you want to talk.”
    • Reader Poll: We asked 2069 wikiHow readers, and 51% of them agreed that the best way to reconnect with your partner when they pull away is to give them space and wait for them to reach out . [Take Poll]
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4

Use positive communication.

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  1. If you have a negative tone or criticize your partner when they make mistakes, they might shut down. Rather than focusing on your partner’s flaws, try to praise them for their positive qualities. Support them when they make mistakes. [6]
    • If your partner only completes a few of the chores you ask them to do, instead of asking, “Why didn’t you do everything I asked you to do?” say something like, “Thank you for getting as much done as you can."
    • You can still mention when your partner’s actions make you feel upset, but it shouldn’t be the main way you communicate. Use a kind, empathetic tone and talk about how you feel rather than attacking or blaming your partner.
5

Show your partner compassion.

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  1. While it might be easy to blame your partner for acting distant, it’ll only make them feel worse about it. Instead of letting negative thoughts pile up, let them go and recognize that your partner is going through a tough time. Tell them that you care a lot about them and that you’re there for them in any way that they need. Your partner will appreciate that you’re focused on making them their best self. [7]
    • Give your partner praise and let them know how proud you are once they reach an accomplishment.
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6

Ask your partner what’s stressing them out.

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  1. Some people like to try and handle a stressful situation on their own, but that can make them seem really distant. Sit down with your partner and ask them what’s been going on in their life and why they’re feeling upset. If they don’t want to talk about it right now, give them some space, but give your partner your full attention if they open up so you can figure out how you can manage the issue. [8]
    • You might say, “I’ve noticed that you’ve been a little closed off recently. Is everything okay? I’m here to talk if something is bothering you.”
7

Talk about what you need.

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  1. [9] Your partner may not know that you’re hurting when they’re acting distant. Find a quiet time where you can talk face-to-face so it’s easier to have a conversation. [10] Use “I” statements to talk about how you’re feeling so it doesn’t sound like you’re placing the blame on your partner. As you talk through the issue, you can both come up with solutions that work for you. [11]
    • You could say something like, “I feel confused when you’re distant because I don’t know what I can do to make it better. I’d appreciate it if you could tell me how to help you when this comes up.”
    • You might also say, “When you act distant around me, I feel like I said or did something wrong and it makes me worried that I’ve made you upset. I need you to communicate how you’re feeling in those moments just so I can have some clarity.”
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8

Support your partner how they need it.

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  1. Rather than assuming you know what your partner wants or needs, ask them directly how you can help them out the best. Give your partner your full attention and listen to them closely so you know exactly how they want you to support them. [12] Follow through with what your partner wants and needs from you to show that they can trust you with your feelings. [13]
    • You could ask, “Is there something that I can do to help out, or do you just need some time to yourself?”
9

Reflect on behavior that upsets your partner.

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  1. [14] Your partner might pull away if you react poorly to what they do or say. Think back to times when your partner started feeling distant and how you responded to it. If your partner pulled away even more, they may think you’re criticizing them or acting too dependent. When your partner closes themselves off, take a moment to yourself to figure out why you’re feeling the way you do so you can talk about it. [15]
    • Maybe you got upset at your partner for wanting to spend the night with their friends. While it’s normal to want to spend time with your partner, lashing out at them for wanting space can drive them away.
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10

Schedule time to connect.

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  1. [16] Even when you’re already together, it’s so important to keep your romance and emotional bond alive. Try to find a night every 1 or 2 weeks to spend together doing something you both love. You could have a fun night out or just have a relaxing night in as long as you share that time together. [17]
11

Focus on your own goals and interests.

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  1. When your partner feels like you’re doting on them or focused on their goals, they may feel like you aren’t doing anything for yourself. Take time to do the things that you love to do and progress towards the goals you want to achieve to show your partner your drive. They’ll love seeing that you’re putting energy into yourself and not relying on them as much. [18]
    Esther Perel, Psychotherapist

    While quality time is essential, individuality is also important in a healthy relationship. "Love rests on two pillars: surrender and autonomy. Our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separateness."

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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    What causes emotional distance in a relationship?
    Susan Pazak, PhD
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Professional Life Coach
    Dr. Susan Pazak is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Professional Life Coach. With more than 21 years of experience, she specializes in treating adolescents and adults with psychological issues using cognitive behavioral therapy, symptom reduction skills, and behavior modification techniques. She has been featured in numerous media outlets and shows, including “My Strange Addiction". Dr. Pazak holds a BA in Psychology with a minor in Communications from The University of Pittsburgh, an MA in Clinical Psychology from Pepperdine University, and a PhD in Clinical Psychology from Alliant International University.
    Susan Pazak, PhD
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Professional Life Coach
    Expert Answer
    Emotional distance happens when we are hurt, disappointed, or betrayed, so we put our guard up as to not be hurt again.
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  • Question
    What can I do to build an emotional connection in a relationship?
    Kate Dreyfus
    Holistic Love Coach & Intuitive Healer
    Kate Dreyfus is a dedicated Holistic Love Coach, Holistic Empowerment Coach, Heart-Centered Expert, Intuitive Healer, Workshop Facilitator, and Owner of Evolve & Empower. She has more than ten years of experience supporting her clients successfully entering exclusive, romantic relationships within the USA, the United Kingdom, Canada, and Europe. Kate is devoted to helping others through personal growth and transformation, success in dating and romance, and healing and rebuilding after a breakup. She is also a member of The Biofield Institute, the Healing Touch Professional Association, and the Energy Medicine Professional Association. Kate holds a BA in Psychology from San Francisco State University.
    Kate Dreyfus
    Holistic Love Coach & Intuitive Healer
    Expert Answer
    Show genuine interest in the things your partner likes. Participate in what lights them up. Try to develop an authentic-based relationship instead of an ego-based one. Reveal and own your imperfections and mistakes. Let your partner know when you are having a bad day. Share your feelings with them.
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  • Question
    How do you practice vulnerable intimacy?
    Kate Dreyfus
    Holistic Love Coach & Intuitive Healer
    Kate Dreyfus is a dedicated Holistic Love Coach, Holistic Empowerment Coach, Heart-Centered Expert, Intuitive Healer, Workshop Facilitator, and Owner of Evolve & Empower. She has more than ten years of experience supporting her clients successfully entering exclusive, romantic relationships within the USA, the United Kingdom, Canada, and Europe. Kate is devoted to helping others through personal growth and transformation, success in dating and romance, and healing and rebuilding after a breakup. She is also a member of The Biofield Institute, the Healing Touch Professional Association, and the Energy Medicine Professional Association. Kate holds a BA in Psychology from San Francisco State University.
    Kate Dreyfus
    Holistic Love Coach & Intuitive Healer
    Expert Answer
    Move beyond the surface compliments and share with your partner why you like them on a deeper level. As you build trust, start sharing your feelings with them. Practice opening up and taking a risk that could be incredibly rewarding.
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      References

      1. ↑ Kate Dreyfus. Holistic Love Coach & Intuitive Healer. Expert Interview. 22 November 2021.
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassion-matters/201805/5-ways-to-get-closer-to-each-other-today
      3. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/setting-healthy-boundaries-in-relationships.htm
      4. ↑ Kate Dreyfus. Holistic Love Coach & Intuitive Healer. Expert Interview. 22 November 2021.
      5. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/how-to-set-boundaries
      6. ↑ https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/5-easy-ways-to-communicate-better-in-your-relationships/
      7. ↑ https://www.psychalive.org/5-strategies-for-dealing-with-your-partners-fear-of-intimacy/
      8. ↑ https://ideas.ted.com/are-you-lonely-in-your-partnership-or-marriage/
      9. ↑ Susan Pazak, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Professional Life Coach. Expert Interview. 22 February 2022.
      1. ↑ Kate Dreyfus. Holistic Love Coach & Intuitive Healer. Expert Interview. 22 November 2021.
      2. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-health/emotional-intelligence-love-relationships.htm
      3. ↑ Susan Pazak, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Professional Life Coach. Expert Interview. 22 February 2022.
      4. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-health/emotional-intelligence-love-relationships.htm
      5. ↑ Susan Pazak, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Professional Life Coach. Expert Interview. 22 February 2022.
      6. ↑ https://www.psychalive.org/5-strategies-for-dealing-with-your-partners-fear-of-intimacy/
      7. ↑ Susan Pazak, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Professional Life Coach. Expert Interview. 22 February 2022.
      8. ↑ https://ideas.ted.com/are-you-lonely-in-your-partnership-or-marriage/
      9. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/how-to-set-boundaries

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