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Expert advice on hooking up with someone without feelings involved
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When you’re single, it can feel like everyone around you is looking for a relationship. But what if that’s not what you want? Having casual sex with a consenting partner is a great way to have fun without emotional attachment. If you’re looking for ways to find hook-ups without falling in love, we’ve got you covered. We’ll share the best tips for avoiding emotions and finding willing partners to have fun with. To have sex without falling in love, keep reading.
How to Not Get Attached After Sex
- Figure out what you’re looking for before engaging in casual sex. If you want a relationship or something long-term, look for a partner instead.
- Set boundaries with your sexual partner, like not going out on dates or not spending the night with each other.
- Try to see other people at the same time so you aren’t just focused on one person.
Steps
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Remember that having sex does not mean that you need to fall in love. Having sex and falling in love are very different things. Most people are taught by movies, TV, and even friends/family that having sex will always lead to love. Loving someone, however, is a complex and nuanced emotion that develops over time, building as you get to know someone emotionally and socially, not just physically. [1] X Research source
- After orgasm, women release a hormone called oxytocin, also known as the "cuddle chemical" that mimics feelings of connection and love. This is why, regardless of their logical thoughts about a person, love is often confused with sex.
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Avoid sleeping with people you share romantic history with. It is hard to return to friendship after a romantic or sexual relationship. Adding sex back into the mix, however, will always resurface feelings of love and attraction. One of the things that separate friends from couples is a lack of sexual connection. Rekindling your sex life together will rekindle the feelings involved as well, whether you want them or not. [2] X Research source
- This includes sleeping with close friends. Your existing connection, when mixed with sex, leaves very little separating you from becoming a couple.
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Ask yourself what you are looking for in the hook-up. Why do you want to have sex with someone? Are you trying to have a little fun, experiment with new people, or feel lonely? You need to know your goals going in, because they will profoundly affect how attached you get to someone. Be honest with yourself to prevent confusion in the aftermath of the hook-up. [3] X Research source
- Casual hook-ups aren't for everyone, and that’s okay. If you tend to fall for every person you sleep with or are looking for a partner , then you should think twice about having casual sex. If you just want to have fun, have no interest or desire for a relationship, and feel like experimenting a bit, you should feel free to proceed.
- Hooking-up without developing strings is easier if you just want to have some fun and learn more about your sexual needs.
- Hooking-up because you are lonely, recently heartbroken, or hurting is often a recipe for unwanted attraction, as you try and compensate for your feelings with your new sexual partner.
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Set your boundaries with your sexual partner. Are there things that automatically signal intimacy? Some people refrain from kissing their hook-up partner, as it feels too close to a real relationship. Other people prefer not to cuddle after the fact, or won't hook up with strangers. Have your boundaries set before you head out for the night and stick to them, as this will protect you and your heart from getting too invested. [4] X Research source
- Long conversations spent getting to know one another, especially on an intimate level (goals, worries/fears, personal history), often lead to love and feelings of attraction.
- Always practice safe sex when hooking up with someone.
- Reader Poll: We asked 828 wikiHow readers who've had casual hookups, and 51% of them agreed that the best way to discuss boundaries is by letting things progress naturally and discussing boundaries as they arise. [Take Poll]
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Don't hook up every chance you get with the same person. Spend time apart to protect your feelings from turning into something more serious. If you've established with your partner that you are seeing other people casually as well, mix things up so that you don't fall too far for one person. [5] X Research source
- When you’re dating someone, you might see them as often as 2 to 3 times per week. If you just want a casual hook-up, stick to once a week maximum to avoid catching feelings.
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Make sex the priority in the relationship. Don't stay over and cuddle, go on dates, or spend time talking late into the night. If you want to maintain a no-strings-attached, purely physical relationship, you need to stay purely physical. Focus on enjoying your time together, making sure both of you are satisfied when you leave but little else. A direct line on pleasure, instead of intimacy, is crucial to keep the relationship from developing into broader feelings. [6] X Research source
- Gifts, dates, and sleepovers all lead to more intimate feelings. Focus on what feels good and, once you are happy, leave.
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Re-examine your relationship goals every few weeks. Do you feel yourself developing feelings for someone? More importantly—are you enjoying the "No Strings Attached" lifestyle? Some people find hooking up with random sexual partners hollow, unfulfilling, and awkward despite the immediate pleasure. [7] X Expert Source Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist Expert Interview. 17 February 2022. You are constantly evolving, growing, and changing, and your sexual preferences are no exception.- How do you feel after a hook-up? Do you want to stay around but feel compelled to leave?
- Do you feel like trying something more permanent? Are you leaving something special because you told yourself you didn't want a relationship, or because you actually don't love this person?
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Leave when you're uncomfortable. If the type of sex your partner is giving you isn't what you want, leave. Sex without love is for the physical benefit for both of you, and if one person is not interested or doesn't care for what the other party is giving then they are free to leave. Remember, this is not a romantic relationship. There is no need to fear emotional baggage and how the other party might feel if you break things off casually. [8] X Research source
- "I think I'm ready to look for something more permanent, but this has been fun."
- "I'd rather not keep doing this casually."
- "I'm ready to see other people now, but I'd love to keep in touch with you."
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Flirt with acquaintances, casual friends, or friends of friends. You don’t need to get deep with someone, like talking about your life, work, and goals or dreams. Casual flirting is more about smiles, light teasing, and occasional touching. If they reciprocate, then you're likely developing a rapport that can lead to a casual fling. Some hints to drop while flirting include: [9] X Research source
- "I've had my share of relationships, and I am definitely not looking for any commitment right now."
- "I'm just here to have fun and meet someone cute."
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Communicate your intentions with your partner. Be clear and upfront with someone you are hooking up with from the beginning. [10] X Expert Source Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist Expert Interview. 17 February 2022. If you are not, you may lead someone to expect more than you are willing to give, ending in one-sided relationships that will end poorly for everyone. While this conversation can be awkward, the best advice is to come right out and say what you want:- "I am not looking to start a relationship or begin dating."
- "I want something casual, not a partner."
- "Let's have something light and fun."
EXPERT TIPDating CoachJohn Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.Clear expectations are important in any relationship—even casual ones. Directness, when delivered with charm, is a great recipe for starting up a fun, no-pressure encounter. When you communicate clearly, you don't have to worry about being misleading or offering empty promises.
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Act like friends, not lovers. There is no need to be gushy, overly-loving, or cuddly if you both want a quick hook-up. You wouldn't kiss your friend and send them flowers at work, so you shouldn't do it with a casual sexual relationship. But there is also no need to act ashamed, awkward, or aloof when with someone. Have a sense of humor about everything, enjoy each other's company, and keep things light. [11] X Expert Source Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert Expert Interview. 6 October 2021. This will allow you to get everything out in the open, preventing bottled up emotions or stepping over the line.- When you see someone again the next day, be kind and cordial—a hug and hello is not the same as asking for a date.
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Be honest if you are seeing other people. Be upfront if you are keeping multiple partners "on-retainer." [12] X Expert Source Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert Expert Interview. 6 October 2021. If you are hooking up with more than one person, your partner deserves to know. Remember, however, that if they take offense or would rather be with someone exclusively then you can both easily go your separate ways. If they believe you are exclusive and you keep seeing them, they may get the idea the relationship is going to develop into something more serious.- Casually bring up funny, light, or interesting stories of other hook-ups to make it clear you are not exclusive.
- "I'm not looking to be exclusive right now, I hope that's okay with you?"
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Try casual dating apps to find people interested in hooking up. Try using Tinder or using Grindr to find casual relationships in your area. Simply download them for your phone, make a quick profile, and start talking with someone that you match with almost immediately. [13] X Research source
- Always meet in a public location first.
- Don't ever give personal or financial information—your name is more than enough.
- Drive yourself to and from your meet-up location.
- Tell a friend or family member your plans to meet someone, your location, and when you plan on returning.
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Break things off when only one person develops romantic feelings. If you or your partner starts to fall in love, but the other person still wants to stay casual, you need to end the relationship. [14] X Expert Source Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert Expert Interview. 6 October 2021. Trying to "work through" it, or convince someone to drop their feelings and go back to something less intense will never work, and the longer you stay together the stronger the feelings will get. Remember that this began as something casual—it can end casually too. Things to say include:- "This has been fun, but I'd like to look for something a little more serious."
- "This has been fun, but I'm not available for anything serious right now, and I'm going to see some other people."
- If something is in the early stages, stop making a move or trying to flirt, even if you think it is "harmless."
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Tips
- You are your best guide during casual sex. If you feel uncomfortable or pressured then move on and try something new. There’s no pressure.Thanks
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Warnings
- Always use protection. Having a carefree attitude about sex does not mean you should be carefree about STDs.Thanks
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Expert Interview
Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about casual sex, check out our in-depth interview with Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD .
References
- ↑ https://www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/love-sex/sex/a29145757/casual-sex/
- ↑ https://www.vice.com/en/article/wxd835/how-to-sex-one-night-stand-hookup-emotions
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/you-it/201512/3-kinds-casual-sex-explained
- ↑ https://www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/love-sex/sex/a29145757/casual-sex/
- ↑ https://www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/love-sex/sex/a29145757/casual-sex/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/close-communication/202203/6-rules-being-friends-benefits
- ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 17 February 2022.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-attraction-doctor/202203/when-being-friends-benefits-leads-love-and-when-it-doesnt
- ↑ https://www.npr.org/2021/07/11/1014019821/flirting-how-to-dating-romance-advice
- ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 17 February 2022.
- ↑ Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert. Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.
- ↑ Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert. Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.
- ↑ https://www.esquire.com/lifestyle/sex/a47241/best-sex-apps/
- ↑ Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert. Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.
About This Article
Article Summary
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To have sex without falling in love, be honest with yourself about why you’re hooking up to begin with so you can be careful not to get attached to people. For example, if you want to have sex for fun or to experiment with new people, then you may be able to have sex without falling in love. If, on the other hand, you're having sex because you feel lonely, this might lead to unwanted feelings. In addition to considering your goals, avoid sleeping with people you share a romantic history with since this can trigger feelings of love and attraction. You should also set boundaries about what you do during your hook-up to avoid unwanted intimacy, like not cuddling afterward, avoiding kissing, or skipping any in-depth conversations about future goals. To learn how to use dating apps to find people who are interested in casual sex, keep reading!
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