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An easy guide on spotting toxic and unsupportive friends
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Sometimes a friendship may confuse you–you're not really sure about just how loyal, supportive and genuine that a friend is being towards you. If you have a gut reaction telling you that your friendship isn't all it's cracked up to be, it may be time to identify what this person is really up to and whether this is a friendship worth keeping.
Steps
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Watch out for the opportunist. This is a person who likes to use you because you have assets like a car, your own apartment or home, lots of money or a vacation property. Or, they may be using you to get close to your best friend, good friends, girl-/boy-friend or sibling. This type of person will eat up your house or home and even use your personal hygiene products. But when you confront them, they become angry. They disrespect you and your belongings.
- You may notice borrowing becomes an issue. They borrow money and never pay you back. Borrow your clothes, property, and never give it back. Or, they return it damaged. They may even let other people use/wear your belongings, without asking you first.
- They may also ask for a favor but can never return a favor.
- When you tell them that you have something new (clothes, furniture, even friends), see if they pay more attention to you.
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Be wary of the self-centered. This type of person lives by the mantra: "It's all about me". They will always talk about themselves. Also, they won't care about you; they're not interested in your day, how you're feeling, etc. You may also notice that they brag a lot. Whether it be about themselves, materialistic possessions, boyfriend, getting married, or a vacation, they always find something to make them sound better than you. They think the world revolves around them, and them only.
- This type of person seems to always have an opinion about everything. An opinion is a person's ideas and thoughts towards something. It is an assessment, judgment or evaluation of something. An egocentric person has no theory of mind, cannot feel empathy for others, and believes everyone sees what he/she sees (or that what he/she sees in some way exceeds what others see). It appears that this is shown mostly in younger children. They are unable to separate their own beliefs, thoughts and ideas from others, and if you share your ideas, they'll criticize them or ignore you.
- A true friendship should never be 1-sided. [1]
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Expert Source
Tala Johartchi, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 16 July 2021.
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Steer clear of the victim, who exudes "poor me", and "my life is horrible". This person always comes to you when having problems for advice, and lets you know in no uncertain terms how much hardship they are going through (often blown well out of proportion to the facts). But when you need advice or would like to vent, they're very short with you. So it's not fair when you don't mind spending two hours plus to cool them down––instead, for you, it's like five minutes. You're not a therapist, so don't let them air their grievances at your expense.
- This type of person may stay mad at you when both of you have had a fight. This is because they only accept their point of view.
- Pay attention to how they tell stories. They'll start off with beginnings like "Oh my gosh..." and "I can't believe...". They'll often scream "You don't understand what I'm going through!" They crave attention and steal the spotlight.
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Detach yourself from the clingy friend. This type of person can't share you with other people. When they do see you with other people, they're jealous because they want you all to themselves. They'll even squeeze themselves into relationships with you and your best friend. They can't keep their hands to themselves. And yet, this clinginess has a strange hierarchy that leaves you out when a more important person is about to cling onto––for example, this person likely can't include you to see a movie with their boyfriend/girlfriend, as that person becomes the center of their world. And while they spend lots of time with this person, when their other half is busy, they want you all the time. It's a sure sign that this person can't bear to be alone and that all you are is a babysitter. They'll compliment you until you return affection. Be very certain that this friend may ditch you for their significant other if they come around.
- This friend might also ask you to constantly "rescue" them, which is a big red flag. [2]
X
Expert Source
Tala Johartchi, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 16 July 2021.
- This friend might also ask you to constantly "rescue" them, which is a big red flag. [2]
X
Expert Source
Tala Johartchi, PsyD
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Sidestep the fake. This person smiles in your face, but when around other people, they make you feel small by continuously putting you down verbally. They may also do things such as drugs and deny it. They might promise to call you back, but never do. Always keeps you waiting. Always make excuses as to why they didn't call you. They never keep their promises, and it's their hobby to gossip. Listen into their conversations. They'll likely be talking about you or someone else.
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Avoid the snob. This person never acknowledges your ethnicity/culture/opinion. This friend considers you something else, and think it's alright to insult your heritage using derogatory slang words around you while knowing it offends you. They know you're uncomfortable and want to encourage it. They'll often brag about how "rich" or "beautiful" they are, and are spoiled by their parents.
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Get rid of the spy. Nobody wants a friend checking your assets. For all you know, this so-called friend may be working for someone else to find about you. This type of friend may use spying techniques because they are jealous, or they want to teach you a lesson. Another reason may be if they want to get close to your network or friends and acquaintances. When you're speaking with someone, do they hover nearby? Do they always want to know what you're doing? They aren't really interested in you, so try to dump this friend as soon as you find out that this one is poisonous.
- You might notice that these people always need to know everything. For example, you may be talking to another friend about a confidence and she/he was not right there, but comes across the room wanting to know what you're talking about. Well, okay, that can be nothing; don't be paranoid. It may be a "close-friend" but a spy could and would go much further, often really trying to overhear conversations, and sneaking to read email, or borrowing cell phones, reading texts, between you and other people.
- Spies often lie. They may lie about their name, age, etc. to you.
- Be careful of extremes of nosiness. They may soon blackmail or bully you.
- If you feel intimidated or threatened by this person, tell an authority or elder you trust.
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Pass by the friend who ignores you. This type of "friend" is absolutely infuriating. When you are hanging out with them and other friends of yours, they are always talking to you and start socializing with your friends. However, when you are hanging out with them and their friends, they absolutely ignore you and "forget" to introduce you to their friends. If there are three people on a sidewalk, you, them, and their other friend, you'll always be the third person walking behind. The third wheel. Every time you try to spark up a conversation he/she ignores you and continues to talk to their friend, or interrupts you and continues blabbing. This is a sign of insecurity masquerading as coolness; it's unkind and unwanted.
- Reader Poll: We asked 1885 wikiHow readers, and 65% of them agreed that a common sign that someone is a bad friend and resents you is by avoiding spending time with you . [Take Poll]
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Beware the interloper. This person uses you and your ideas/intellectual assets; interferes with your social/professional contacts; takes over conversations you're having with others; tries to network and make friends with anyone you talk to; and generally climbs on you to get where you're going, not setting her own course. This so-called friend seeks promotion/or has gotten promoted on the backs of more talented colleagues, manipulating authority, making him- or herself look good at your expense and often using ideas and insights you shared with her. They'll copy everything you do. You're their role model and the center of their eyes. They'll turn every conversation into an interview, so they can find more about you to copy. You might become exhausted trying to evade their interloping so you can maintain your own friends & contacts without their interference. They have low self-esteem and have trouble making friends so let you do all the work it takes, then try to reap the rewards of your effort.
- If you say "I'm going to compliment [someone]'s shoes", they will beat you to it and act like it was their own observation. If you say, "I think [someone] will be good for a job opening I saw", they'll chase the person down and suggest applying for the job. If you work with someone like this, they'll take credit for your ideas and tell the boss about your latest, greatest thoughts, saying: "I was just thinking ..." after you explained to them how you arrived at your conclusion. They'll copy your ideas, your favorites, and your observations. If you are in school with this person, she'll run to the professor with every brilliant insight you share and pretend ownership. This person is very insecure and needs you to show her the way; she feels entitled to share in all your relationships.
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Avoid the queen bee. This type of person is really dominating. They don't accept you if you have different opinions to theirs. Instead, they accept you only when you think like them. Some are like this only because they are insecure, but others are merely jerks with a need to dominate. They'll have their own army to defend them, look up to them, and worship them. But the most fearsome thing about them is that queen bees often take advantage of friendships and might turn every one of your "friends" against you over the course of a day just to wreck and break you. They are just despicable and deadly, so steer clear.
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Decide whether or not the friendship is worth continuing with. If your friend is one of the "bad friend" types above and they sap your energy, patience and resources regularly, it's a fair bet that you're better off cutting this person out from your tight knit friends.
- Decide whether this person is even worth keeping as an acquaintance. This will depend on the context––if you need to keep working with this person or seeing them at family get-together, then keeping a calm and distanced acquaintanceship may be the best option. On the other hand, if this person has no other formal links to your life, you may wish to cut the bond entirely.
- A friendship may not be worth it if you're always feeling disappointed or unfulfilled. [3]
X
Expert Source
Tala Johartchi, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 16 July 2021. - Your friends should be willing to grow and evolve instead of getting stuck in patterns of constant denial. [4]
X
Expert Source
Tala Johartchi, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 16 July 2021.
Brene Brown, Author & Professor of Social WorkPrioritize quality friendships over quantity. "I’m looking for the person who loves me not despite my vulnerability and imperfection, but because of it. I’m looking for the folks who are going to show up and wade through the deep with me... and I think it’s a myth that you should have more than one or two of those."
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Cease staying in contact. If you are always the first one to contact a friend and you're getting tired of little to no response, stop contacting them. Block them from your contacts, and leave all the text conversations that have them. Avoid seeing them in public. If this person is a true friend, they will reach out if they notice they haven't heard from you, and it only takes a few minutes to text, email, or call someone. If they don't, you're wiser about this friend's attitude and you can begin to spend more time with the friends who do care.
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Tell your friend the friendship is over when this feels appropriate. If you can't quietly distance yourself and refuse all invitations to go places with this friend, you'll need to be up front about ceasing the friendship. The best way to break up with a friend who isn't working out is to confront them face-to-face or by phone and tell them crystal clear that you feel unable to continue the friendship for such and such a reason.
- Avoid using blame language. Although you don't want to say "it isn't you, it's me" type language, you do want to make it clear that this is about your feelings and your peace of mind. Avoid insulting the character of the other person or blaming them for your feelings.
- Remind the other person of the other friends in their life, and even recommend a new friend if this seems appropriate.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionWhat is one sign of a healthy friendship?Dr. Tala Johartchi is a Clinical Psychologist based in the Los Angeles, California metro area. With expertise and advanced training in Evidence-Based Practices and therapeutic/behavioral frameworks, Dr. Johartchi specializes in working with individuals, couples, and families experiencing Substance Disorders, Love Addiction and Codependency, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, as well as common co-occurring disorders such as Depression, Anxiety, and Relational/Attachment difficulties. She earned an MA and PsyD in Clinical Psychology from The American School of Professional Psychology at Argosy University, San Francisco.A healthy friendship should be very balanced. There should be equal give and take—you shouldn't feel like all your energy is being sucked up, or like you aren't a priority to your friend.
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QuestionHow can I make sure my friendships are healthy and positive?Dr. Tala Johartchi is a Clinical Psychologist based in the Los Angeles, California metro area. With expertise and advanced training in Evidence-Based Practices and therapeutic/behavioral frameworks, Dr. Johartchi specializes in working with individuals, couples, and families experiencing Substance Disorders, Love Addiction and Codependency, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, as well as common co-occurring disorders such as Depression, Anxiety, and Relational/Attachment difficulties. She earned an MA and PsyD in Clinical Psychology from The American School of Professional Psychology at Argosy University, San Francisco.Make sure that your friends want to become the best versions of themselves. They shouldn't be stuck in a pattern where they refuse to grow and improve.
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QuestionMy friend had a fight with another girl, and I supported her. Now they're friends again and she's ignoring me and saying it's none of my business. What do I do?Community AnswerStop talking to her completely. Start hanging out with other people. It's a quiet way of telling her that she had her chance to be your friend and she ruined it. People never realize what they have until it's gone.
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Tips
- Look out for people who act self-righteous or seem to act like you always have to give them what they want. These people probably think of friends as being possessions rather than people.Thanks
- See how you feel when you are apart from this person. This gives you time to reflect and figure out if they are a good friend for you.Thanks
- See how your friend acts if and when you have a minor fight. If they are angry, but still want to be your friend, they do care about you. In contrast, if they are willing to end your friendship because you don't give them what they completely want, they aren't real friends.Thanks
Tips from our Readers
The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of wikiHow readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on wikiHow, please submit it in the field below.
- There is a difference between completely cutting off the friendship and just taking it down a level. Consider what "type" of friendship you might want with someone who may not be the best person. It's okay to keep these people as casual friends and remain at a cautious arm's length.
- We all live our lives differently. I think it's important to be patient with other people, so don't cut a friend off just for making a minor mistake. Friends will screw up at some point, and you can't go around cutting every person off the moment they upset you.
- Never ignore how someone makes you feel. Your emotions contain important information, so if you start hanging out with someone and they make you feel kind of icky or suspicious inside, it probably means that they're not a good friend.
- It is totally ok to leave old friends. Even it they used to be one of your best friends! People change as they get older, and it's okay if people drift apart.
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Warnings
- With opportunists, remember that they befriend you first, and then they use you and dump you when they are done.Thanks
- Don't set too many expectations and rules. That's just trapping others in your dimension.Thanks
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References
- ↑ Tala Johartchi, PsyD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 16 July 2021.
- ↑ Tala Johartchi, PsyD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 16 July 2021.
- ↑ Tala Johartchi, PsyD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 16 July 2021.
- ↑ Tala Johartchi, PsyD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 16 July 2021.
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