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And, how to become an active listener
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Ever feel like someone’s not giving you their full attention when you talk? Or maybe you struggle to be fully tuned in when other people are talking to you. This is known as pseudolistening . Almost everyone pseudolistens at some point, but making it a habit can cause your communication to suffer and affect your relationships. Read on to learn more about what causes people to pseudolisten, how pseudolistening can affect communication, and how to strengthen your active listening skills.
Pseudolistening Meaning
Pseudolistening is the act of pretending to listen to someone speaking to you, while actually not giving them your full attention or actively listening.
Steps
Section 2 of 4:
Reasons for Pseudolistening
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You’re multitasking. Have you ever tried having a conversation with someone while cleaning, watching TV, or scrolling Instagram? Odds are, you weren’t giving the other person your full attention. [2] X Research source
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You’re preoccupied. If something is weighing on you—say, that big essay due tomorrow or an ill relative—you might have trouble giving a conversation your undivided attention.
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You’re distracted by your environment. Even if you want to listen, if you’re talking in a busy café or if the speaker has a particularly unusual haircut that you just can’t stop staring at, you might find it hard to pay attention, so you’ll pretend to pay attention. [3] X Research source
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You’re not interested, but want to be polite. We’ve all been there: you’re stuck in a conversation that isn’t exactly gripping, but don't know how to disentangle yourself from it. [4] X Research source
- Or maybe you don’t want to disentangle yourself from it because you genuinely care about the speaker—you just don’t care about the conversation topic as much as they do.
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You don't know how to tell someone you can't talk right now. Whether you're distracted, uninterested, or too busy to chat, you may not want to come out and say it, especially if the speaker is sharing something they deem important. [5] X Research source
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You’re already familiar with the conversation topic. If the person you’re talking to is sharing old information or covering the same ground they’ve already covered before (or if you think you know what they're going to say), you might drift off a little or only partially listen. [6] X Research source
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You’re waiting for your turn to talk. If you’ve got something really juicy to say about the conversation topic, you might only semi-listen to what the other person is saying because you’re so eager to share. [7] X Research source
- People with narcissistic tendencies, who tend to value their thoughts and feelings over everyone else’s, may be more prone to pseudolistening generally.
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You’re only listening for what you want to hear. This is also sometimes known as selective listening.
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You want to seem like an attentive person. Active listening is one way to show you care about someone—but if you’re not really interested in the person you’re talking to or the conversation, you might hope seeming interested will make you look good.
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Section 3 of 4:
Effects of Pseudolistening on Communication
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It can leave the talker frustrated. If you suspect the person you’re talking to is often tuning you out or pretending to pay attention to you, it can leave you feeling unseen or uncared for, which can lead to feelings of frustration and annoyance. [8] X Research source
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It can lead to miscommunication. If you’re only half-listening to what someone is saying, you might miss out on important things. [9] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Business Review Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices Go to source
- This might be low-stakes—for instance, if you say yes to taking out the garbage, but you’re not actually listening, this can lead to your trash not getting picked up on trash day, leaving you with an annoyed partner, parent, or housemate.
- But it might be more serious—for example, if you don’t listen to your friend tell you when they need to be taken to the airport, you might forget to pick them up, or you might arrive late. They won’t be happy to miss their flight!
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The talker may stop trusting the pseudolistener. If you try to confide in someone only to find they won’t give you their full attention, you may begin to feel they aren’t reliable and stop talking to them about important things. [10] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Business Review Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices Go to source
- This can be especially problematic if the pseudolistener is your romantic partner, your parent, your best friend, or anyone else whose role involves being a confidant and source of support. Over time, your relationship may become fractured and you may grow apart.
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The speaker may avoid talking to the pseudolistener. If you find someone often pseudolistens to you, you may gradually stop talking to them, or keep them at arm’s length, in favor of relationships with people who offer their undivided attention.
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Section 4 of 4:
How to Be an Active Listener
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Accept that you struggle to pay attention sometimes. While hearing might be an innate ability, listening isn’t—it’s a learned skill. And by practicing, you'll become a better listener in due time.
- Statistically, most people consider themselves good listeners, but the average person only listens at about 25% efficiency. [11] X Research source
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Note when you tend to stop paying attention in a conversation. Maybe you pseudolisten in most conversations, or only at certain times. Observe when this happens, and consider the context:
- Is the speaker talking about something you find dull? Are they rehashing old conversation topics?
- Are there a lot of environmental distractions? For instance, are you in a loud public place where it’s hard to focus? Are you physically uncomfortable—are you chilly, sweaty, achy?
- Do you have anything on your mind that might prevent you from offering your full attention? Maybe you’re anxious about an upcoming surgery, or you were about to leave for work when your spouse began talking to you and you’re anxious about being late.
- Are you multitasking? Are you trying to check your email, scroll social media, or watch TV while listening to someone?
- Are you only pretending to listen to be polite? Is the speaker important or someone whose feelings you don’t want to hurt?
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Paraphrase the speaker’s words back to them. This is known as reflecting and it not only ensures you’re paying attention, it also helps the speaker feel heard. [12] X Research source
- For example, if a friend says, “I’ve been feeling really unsure about my relationship with Rocky lately," you might reply with “You’re having second thoughts about Rocky?”
- Don’t spend too much time trying to think of how to rephrase the speaker’s words, though. If it distracts you too much from the conversation itself, just repeat their words directly. [13] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Business Review Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices Go to source
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Ask follow-up questions. Asking follow-up questions—also called probing —shows you’re not just paying attention but that you're actively interested in the conversation . [14] X Research source
- For example if someone says, “I’m really nervous about this test tomorrow,” you might ask “Why is that? Do you feel like you haven’t studied enough?”
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Avoid simply waiting for your chance to speak. Many people pseudolisten because they’re waiting for their turn to talk. Sometimes this comes from genuine excitement about the conversation topic, but often it’s because the pseudolistener is more interested in their own thoughts than the speaker’s.
- When it is your turn to speak, avoid shifting the focus to you (also known as deflecting). Even if you mean well, responding to someone’s confession that they’re worried about their sick brother’s health with a story about how you know someone who was sick once may come across as monopolizing the conversation. [15] X Research source
- Try not to rehearse what you’re going to say while they’re talking. If you need to, take a few seconds to compose your thoughts after they stop speaking.
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Observe the speaker’s body language. Active listening doesn’t just involve hearing the words someone says—it also involves listening for tone, watching their facial expressions, and noting their stance. These can all give you a better understanding of what they’re actually saying. [16] X Research source
- According to Mindset and Action Coach Kirsten Parker, MFA, “The key to effective listening is presence, . . . [which] entails making eye contact, watching body language , and listening beyond someone’s words to hear their tone. You’ll start picking up on someone’s emotional state, and listening for what they mean (not just what they say).”
- For instance, are their arms crossed? Are their shoulders scrunched up? This may indicate they’re frustrated or uneasy, whereas if their posture is more open and loose, they’re likely more relaxed.
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Let the speaker know if it's not a good time to have a conversation. If someone tries to engage you in conversation while you’re otherwise busy or distracted, consider letting them know upfront that they might not get your full attention, and ask if it can wait.
- If you find your attention wandering during the conversation, instead of resorting to faking it, own up to the fact that you’re having trouble really listening and see if you can try talking later or change your environment if it’s too distracting.
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References
- ↑ https://www.family-institute.org/behavioral-health-resources/how-get-it
- ↑ https://open.lib.umn.edu/communication/chapter/5-2-barriers-to-effective-listening/
- ↑ https://open.lib.umn.edu/communication/chapter/5-2-barriers-to-effective-listening/
- ↑ https://www.family-institute.org/behavioral-health-resources/how-get-it
- ↑ https://www.family-institute.org/behavioral-health-resources/how-get-it
- ↑ https://www.family-institute.org/behavioral-health-resources/how-get-it
- ↑ https://www.family-institute.org/behavioral-health-resources/how-get-it
- ↑ https://www.family-institute.org/behavioral-health-resources/how-get-it
- ↑ https://hbr.org/2021/12/how-to-become-a-better-listener
- ↑ https://hbr.org/2021/12/how-to-become-a-better-listener
- ↑ https://f5webserv.wright.edu/~scott.williams/LeaderLetter/listening.htm
- ↑ https://f5webserv.wright.edu/~scott.williams/LeaderLetter/listening.htm
- ↑ https://hbr.org/2021/12/how-to-become-a-better-listener
- ↑ https://f5webserv.wright.edu/~scott.williams/LeaderLetter/listening.htm
- ↑ https://online.utpb.edu/about-us/articles/communication/how-much-of-communication-is-nonverbal/
- ↑ https://online.utpb.edu/about-us/articles/communication/how-much-of-communication-is-nonverbal/
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