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Many people want to learn to talk less and listen more. Listening more can help you gain information, learn more about others, and learn to express yourself concisely.
Steps
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Speak only when it's important. Before you speak, ask yourself if what you're saying is truly important. You should avoid talking when you're not really contributing to the conversation. [1] X Research source
- People tend to listen to those who choose their words carefully. Someone who's always sharing their opinion or telling stories may lose people's interest with time. If you have a tendency to talk too much, you may find yourself constantly sharing information unnecessarily.
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Avoid speaking to fill empty space. Oftentimes, people speak to fill empty space. You may find yourself speaking in professional situations, such as work or school, to ease your anxiety about silence. Sometimes, silence is okay and you do not need to talk just to fill space. [2] X Research source
- For example, if you and co-worker are in the break room at the same time, you do not have to make small talk. If your co-worker does not seem interested in talking, they may not be in the mood for social interaction.
- In this case, it's okay to offer a polite smile and let the silence happen.
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Think about your words carefully. If you talk too frequently, you may say the first thing that comes to mind without filtering yourself. Learning to speak less means learning to think about your words. Before saying something, try to think about the words you're going to say ahead of time. This may help you learn to keep certain things to yourself, leading you to speak less overall. [3] X Research source
- People often reveal information they'd rather keep private through speaking too much. When you think of something you want to add, especially if it's something very personal, pause. Remember you can always share new information later, but you can never make information private again once you've shared it.
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Be aware of time when you speak. Having a rough sense of how long you've been talking can help you speak less. In general, after about 20 seconds of speaking you're at risk for losing the listener's attention. After this point, tune in to the listener. Look for any cues they're losing interest. [4] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Business Review Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices Go to source
- Watch body language. The listener may fidget or check their phone if they're getting bored. Their eyes may also begin to wander. Try to wrap it up within the next 20 seconds and give the speaker a chance to share.
- In general, try not to talk for more than 40 seconds at a time. Any longer than this may make the listener feel irritated or talked over.
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Think about whether you speak out of anxiety. People often talk too much due to underlying social anxiety. Pay attention to when you're talking a lot. Do you feel anxious? If so, work on coping in other ways. [5] X Research source
- When you find yourself speaking too much , pause and evaluate your mood. How are you feeling? Are you feeling anxious?
- You can do things like count to 10 in your head or take deep breaths if you're anxious. You can also try giving yourself a pep talk before social events. Remind yourself that it's okay to be nervous, but you should relax and try to have fun.
- If social anxiety is a major problem for you, see a therapist to address it.
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Avoid speaking to impress others. In work situations especially, people tend to talk too much to impress others. If you notice you talk a lot, think about whether you're trying to show off.
- If you tend to talk too much to impress others, try to remind yourself others will be more impressed by what you say than how much you say.
- Instead of going overboard talking about yourself , reserve your input for moments when you can contribute something valuable to the conversation.
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Focus only on the speaker. When in a conversation, do not look at your phone or glance around the room. Do not think about things like what you're going to do after work or eat for dinner that night. Direct your attention solely on the speaker. This will help you listen better, as you'll focus on what's being said. [6] X Research source
- Keep your eyes on the speaker most of the time. If you find other thoughts creeping in, remind yourself to return to the present and listen .
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Maintain eye contact . Eye contact shows you're paying attention. Meet the person's eyes as they talk. Eye contact conveys that you're paying attention and present. A lack of eye contact can come off as rude or disinterested. [7] X Research source
- Electronic devices, like cell phones, can often demand our attention, especially if they make noise or give off notifications. Keep your phone in your purse or pocket when talking to someone so you're not tempted to look elsewhere.
- Eye contact can also let you know if you're boring someone else. If someone breaks eye contact while you're speaking, you may be talking too much. Pause and give the speaker a turn.
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Think about what the speaker is saying. Listening is not a passive act. While the speaker talks, it's your job to listen to what they're saying. Try to withhold judgment while you do so. Even if you disagree with what's being said, wait your turn to speak. Do not think about how you'll respond while the speaker is talking. [8] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good in Action An initiative by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center promoting science-based practices for a meaningful life Go to source
- It can help to try to picture what's being communicated. Create images in your mind that represent what the speaker is saying.
- You can also try to latch on to key words and phrases while the speaker talks.
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Clarify what the speaker is saying. In any conversation, it will eventually be your turn to share. Before doing so, however, make it clear you were listening. Paraphrase in your own words what the speaker said and ask any questions you have. [9] X Research source Do not repeat what the speaker said verbatim. Just rephrase your understanding of what they said. Also, keep in mind that active listening is meant to help you pay close attention to the speaker and let them know you are listening. Do not use active listening as a way to interject or make your opinions known.
- For example, say something like, "So, you're saying you are stressed about the upcoming office party."
- Then, follow up with a question. For example, say, "Where do you think this stress is coming from? Do you want to talk about that?"
- Make sure to be empathetic and non-judgmental as you listen to the speaker. You can express respect and validate their position without giving up your own position.
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Express yourself when necessary. Do not take speaking less to mean not asserting and expressing yourself. If you have a serious concern, or an opinion you feel is important, do not hesitate to speak up. Part of speaking less is knowing when it is valuable to share. [10] X Research source
- For example, if you're going through a serious problem in your personal life, it's okay to share with others if you need support.
- It's also important to share if your opinion could be valuable. If you, say, have a strong opinion about something at work, it can be beneficial to share with your boss and co-workers.
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Do not overdo eye contact. Eye contact is important. However, constant eye contact can come off as too intense. People do tend to associate eye contact with confidence and attentiveness, but overdoing it may make you appear distrustful. It's appropriate to hold someone's eye contact for about 7 to 10 seconds and then look away for a moment. [11] X Research source
- Eye contact may also be less appropriate in certain cultures. Asian cultures may find eye contact disrespectful. If you're meeting someone from a different culture, make sure to read up on social etiquette surrounding eye contact.
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Keep an open mind when listening. Everyone has opinions and their own sense of what's right and normal. When you're listening very attentively to another person, they may sometimes say things you take issue with. However, while you're listening, it's important to keep judgment behind. If you find yourself making judgments about someone, pause and remind yourself to focus on the words. You can analyze information later. When listening, just focus on the speaker and leave judgment behind. [12] X Research source
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionWhen I'm at school, I try to listen to my teacher talking, but then the person who sits next to me says something funny and I start talking to them. What can I do?Tasha Rube is a Licensed Social Worker based in Kansas City, Kansas. Tasha is affiliated with the Dwight D. Eisenhower VA Medical Center in Leavenworth, Kansas. She received her Masters of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Missouri in 2014.If you are noticing you are becoming easily distracted in class and it is making it more difficult to focus on the teacher, then first respectfully ask the other person to not talk to you when the teacher is speaking. You can also try to ignore the other person sitting next to you while the teacher is speaking. If these strategies don't work, then you can switch to a new seat where there is less distraction. (If there is an assigned seating area, approach the teacher and inform him/her of your concern).
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Tips
- Before partaking in conversation, consider whether your contribution is necessary or not; if not, keep quiet.Thanks
Tips from our Readers
The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of wikiHow readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on wikiHow, please submit it in the field below.
- If you're not sure when to speak up or not, think of the acronym THINK to figure it out. T: is what you're about to say TRUE? H: is it HELPFUL? I: is it INTERESTING or INSPIRING? N: is it NECESSARY? K: is it KIND?
- It sometimes helps to keep a small journal or diary to write your thoughts in, if you feel the urge to speak often. This is a great way to express yourself without having to talk all the time.
- Try relying more on your nonverbal communication instead of speaking all the time: nod to indicate engagement, smile or frown to show happiness or displeasure, etc.
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References
- ↑ https://www.betterup.com/blog/talk-less-listen-more
- ↑ https://www.betterup.com/blog/talk-less-listen-more
- ↑ https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/tactful.htm
- ↑ https://hbr.org/2015/06/how-to-know-if-you-talk-too-much
- ↑ https://counseling.uiowa.edu/self-help/30-ways-to-manage-speaking-anxiety/
- ↑ https://www.skillsyouneed.com/ips/listening-skills.html
- ↑ https://www.canr.msu.edu/news/eye_contact_dont_make_these_mistakes
- ↑ https://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/active_listening
- ↑ https://www.wsj.com/articles/tuning-in-how-to-listen-better-1406070727
About This Article
Article Summary
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If trying to think before you speak hasn’t helped you speak less, try paying attention to how long you’ve been talking. As you speak, check your audience’s body language to see if they’re paying attention, and stop if they seem bored or distracted. Though it might be uncomfortable at first, learn to be ok with silence, and try not to worry about impressing other people with your conversation skills. To learn more about how to listen more from out Social Worker co-author, keep reading!
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Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 701,510 times.
Reader Success Stories
- "It is good to read about how one can learn to communicate more effectively/efficiently. I have always had a tendency to be too thorough, so now I am exercising being more concise, accurate and to the point. Mostly in writing, but also orally." ..." more
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"It is good to read about how one can learn to communicate more effectively/efficiently. I have always had a tendency to be too thorough, so now I am exercising being more concise, accurate and to the point. Mostly in writing, but also orally."
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"Very helpful and informative to me as I have always gotten into trouble for speaking without thinking much. I know it will take time to change myself, but I hope that with the helpful steps given, there shall be a change in my speaking soon enough. Thank you very much for this. :)"
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"I always talk too much, and I've been told by my parents that it disturbs them. I had a very talkative attitude, and indirectly it affected my grades. I feel like a much calmer person overall, and I have made better friends and have a better attitude with teachers!"
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"I particularly liked the advice in the first part. Specifically, the advice about concision and asking myself if what I want to say is necessary - both were quite valuable. Also, the advice about listening was excellent as a way to say less. Very clever!"
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"I remember reading a similar if not this article years ago, it helped me very much to be talk less and not overly share my personal life. I practiced and it eventually worked, coming back again to this, this is a great article."
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