How to Respond to a Flaky Guy

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Are you talking to a guy that always has the perfect excuse for why he has to cancel plans? Well, you’re certainly not alone! In the age of social media, flaky and noncommittal guys are everywhere. That being said, keep in mind that sometimes, they’re not trying to be flaky on purpose. It could be that they’re just forgetful, bad at planning, or different in their expectations. Keep reading for a comprehensive guide on how to give a flaky guy the benefit of the doubt, be straight-up with him about his flakiness, and know when it’s time to just give up and move on.

1

Ask for an explanation when he reappears.

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    When a flaky guy suddenly shows up in your life again, he should come prepared with an explanation. If he doesn’t, you should ask him for one. You always deserve to know the reason behind being stood up! [1]
    • If you ignore the elephant in the room, he might think flaking on you didn’t bother you, and that he can do it again and again.
    • You can be upfront without being hostile, in case he has a valid reason. [2]
    • For example, “What happened last time we were supposed to hang out?”
    • His response to being called out says a lot about his maturity. If he tries spinning the story so the blame is on you, he’s not worth your time.
    • It’s a major red flag if he ghosts you and refuses to give you any explanation at all.
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2

Accept his apology if it seems legitimate.

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    Before you decide to permanently label this guy as an inconsiderate flake, evaluate whether his excuses seem genuine. The truth is, you have to remember that he has a life outside of you. If his flakiness hasn’t become a recurring issue yet, consider giving him another chance. [3]
    • Some understandable excuses include work, school, family, mental health, or accidental scheduling conflicts.
    • That being said, if this is his second or third time making an excuse, he’s not taking your own time and energy into consideration. Not cool.
    • If he’s sorry, he’ll want you to give him a second chance. His commitment to taking the blame is a good gauge of whether he cares about your feelings.
3

Tell him how being flaked on makes you feel.

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    [4] There’s a chance that you and this guy have different ways of communicating. If you’re determined to make this relationship work, you should be on the same page about these things. Beginning a mature discussion about why his flakiness is hurtful to you can lead to a conversation about how to fix this issue together. [5]
    • He might cue you to be honest with him if he says something like “Why are you so upset over this?”
    • If he doesn’t initiate this conversation, you have every right to bring it up yourself.
    • For example, you could start with “Hey, it hurt when you bailed on me because I took time out of my day to hang out with you.”
    • Then, you can take the blame off him and address the habit instead. For example, “Maybe we just have different expectations or scheduling styles.”
    • Next, you could try troubleshooting together. For example, “Can we figure something out together to make hanging out work for both of us?”
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4

Give him one last chance if he wants to redeem himself.

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    There’s a chance that this guy isn’t actually flaky, but just bad at taking the initiative when plans aren’t concrete. If you want to test this out, try taking matters into your own hands by setting up a redo date together. Be as specific as you can about when and where to meet. [6]
    • For example, be more specific than “Want to try meeting up sometime this week?”
    • Instead, try saying something like “Want to get dinner this Friday night at 7 PM? I know a great pizza spot we can go to.”
    • This way, if he bails, he has no excuse to be confused about the specifics of the date.
    • Plan to have the date sooner than later so he can’t forget. For example, plan to meet this upcoming Saturday instead of 3 Saturdays from now.
    • Reconfirm your plans with him the day before the date. For example, send him a friendly “Are we still on for tomorrow?”
5

Stop reaching out to get his attention.

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    If you’re tired of being the one to reach out and make plans, let him know by not texting him. Try turning the tables and becoming the one that’s hard to get a hold of to make him realize that you won’t put effort in unless he does, too. This can send a clear message that you’re putting the ball in his court. His move! [7]
    • If he doesn’t reach out after you’ve given him the silent treatment, it might be a sign for you to move on.
    • If he does reach out, it’s up to you if you want to respond immediately.
    • Not responding for a few hours to a day can let him know that you’re not at his beck and call, which is quite the power move!
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6

Ask yourself if it’s worth it to keep trying.

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    There might come a time when you find yourself wondering if it’s worth it to give this guy any more chances. Sometimes, things just aren’t meant to work out! Try asking yourself these questions to determine whether this person is worth the effort:
    • Have his reasons for canceling been valid excuses?
    • Has he ever tried rescheduling plans after they flake out?
    • Does he try staying in touch, even when plans don’t work out?
7

Don’t blame yourself for his flaky behavior.

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    At the end of the day, you have to realize that this guy’s flakiness doesn’t have to be your problem. If you don’t want to keep putting in more effort than him, then don’t! And remember: you deserve to be someone’s top priority, especially when you’re making other people yours. [8]
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8

Move on if you think he’s disrespecting your time and energy.

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    If you’ve evaluated the circumstances and determined that this guy isn’t worth your time, it might be time for you to look elsewhere. There’s no shame in moving on! If anything, cutting ties now will save you a lot of grief later on. [9]
    • Whether you even want to bother with telling him you’re ending things is up to you.
    • If you want to, you can be cordial and wish him well. This can keep the door open later on, in case either of you has a change of heart later on.
    • For example, “Hey, I don’t think things are working out between us. It was good getting to know you, though!”
    • The most important thing to take away from this is that this isn't your fault. You can find someone else who values and respects you!
9

Look for someone with similar values to yours.

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    If this last guy was a potential love interest and you’ve decided to move on, take what you learned about your dating expectations with you. There’s nothing wrong with putting yourself on the market as someone who’s looking for a serious, respectful relationship. [10]
    • For example, put “Looking for a serious connection” on your dating profile if you’re using dating apps.
    • On that note, consider using a paid dating app (and not a free one) to weed out people who might not be serious about dating.
    • It’s not unusual to ask someone “What are you looking for?” while you’re talking to a possible romantic interest.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://healthyframework.com/dating/beginners/dating-flaky-people/
      2. ↑ William Schroeder, MA, LPC, NCC. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview. 28 September 2021.
      3. ↑ https://healthyframework.com/dating/beginners/dating-flaky-people/
      4. ↑ William Schroeder, MA, LPC, NCC. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview. 28 September 2021.
      5. ↑ https://socialself.com/blog/flaky-friends/
      6. ↑ https://healthyframework.com/dating/beginners/dating-flaky-people/
      7. ↑ https://www.hercampus.com/wellness/what-do-when-hes-acting-flaky/
      8. ↑ https://healthyframework.com/dating/beginners/dating-flaky-people/
      9. ↑ https://www.hercampus.com/wellness/what-do-when-hes-acting-flaky/
      1. ↑ https://healthyframework.com/dating/beginners/dating-flaky-people/

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