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Make a sincere and effective apology to repair a relationship
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Sometimes, the only way to make things right is to say “I’m sorry.” But there’s more to an effective apology than just 2 little words. A good apology identifies what you did wrong, acknowledges the aftermath, and lets the other person know you’re trying to improve. We’ll show you how to make a sincere apology that touches all the necessary bases, as well as when you don’t need to apologize.
Things You Should Know
- Make your apology in person, if possible, or over the phone. A written apology is acceptable, but avoid sending it as a text, which often feels too frivolous.
- Open with “I want to say I’m sorry,” then tell them what exactly you’re sorry for. You might explain your actions, but avoid excuses or dodging blame.
- Listen to and respect the other person’s response, no matter what it may be, and tell them how you intend to make amends and change your behavior in the future.
Steps
Section 1 of 3:
Making a Sincere Apology
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Set aside time for the apology, rather than making it an afterthought. Giving a hasty, impersonal apology is disrespectful and can make things worse. Even if you're busy and believe the incident is no big deal, it's important to set aside time for a personal, 1-on-1 apology. If you can, find a private moment to take the person aside and make your apology. [1] X Research source
- If you can't give an apology in person, give one via phone call. The same rules apply here—clear your schedule, hold your other calls, etc.
- If you must, write a carefully-worded, sincere letter or email. Text messages are an absolute last resort and should only be used when the only alternative is no apology at all.
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Open by expressing your remorse without making excuses. Get your apology started on the right foot by saying “I want to apologize," or, "Please forgive me.” This shows that you're serious and want to take responsibility, right off the bat. [2] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source You might also say, “I owe you an apology,” or, “I want to make things right, if I can.”
- Avoid the temptation to dodge blame or "weasel out" of your apology. Skip phrases like, "I thought things would go differently" or "I guess we had a misunderstanding," which shirk responsibility.
- This can be surprisingly hard! It's never easy to admit that we've done something wrong or that we’re imperfect. However, it's the only way to go if you're serious about saying sorry.
- Clinical psychologist Dr. William Gardner says to avoid saying things like, "I'm sorry you're upset," since that language doesn't take responsibility for the action. [3]
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Expert Source
William Gardner, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 25 July 2019.
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Identify clearly what you’re apologizing for. An apology isn’t much good if you can’t say what you’re apologizing for. Acknowledge specifically what you did, and tell them that you know it was wrong, so they know you’re sincere. For example, you might say, “I shouldn’t have gone behind your back like that,” or, “What I said was mean and unnecessary.”
- Clinical psychologist Dr. Gera Anderson adds, “If you do not regret your actions, apologize that your actions made the other people feel that way, for that was not your intent.” [4]
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Expert Source
Gera Anderson, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 18 October 2021. - You might ask an uninvolved friend for their perspective to get a better idea why what you did was wrong, or even ask the person you hurt. You may be surprised to learn that what you think happened and what they think happened are two different things. [5]
X
Expert Source
William Gardner, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 25 July 2019.
- Clinical psychologist Dr. Gera Anderson adds, “If you do not regret your actions, apologize that your actions made the other people feel that way, for that was not your intent.” [4]
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Expert Source
Gera Anderson, PsyD
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Offer an explanation for your actions if you feel it’s needed. There’s a difference between an explanation and an excuse—an explanation tells a person why you did what you did, while an excuse only tries to justify it. If the situation is complicated, it can help to explain what led you to your actions—false assumptions, errors in judgment, or letting your emotions get the better of you, for instance.
- For example, you might say, “I thought at the moment it might be a funny thing to say, but I see now that I misjudged and that my comment hurt you.”
- Or, say, “It’s not an excuse, but I want to communicate why I did that, because I realize it was wrong.”
- Expressing this helps you make it clear that you understand why what you did was wrong, and that you know to think twice about it in the future.
- Again, remember not to excuse yourself from your wrongdoing. You may also need to apologize for the bad behavior in your explanation, too.
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Use respectful, conciliatory body language. Everyone expresses emotion differently, but take care to use positive and sympathetic body language throughout your apology. Hold eye contact, keep your tone steady and respectful, and respect the other person’s personal space.
- Avoid crossing your arms, rolling your eyes, smiling when it’s not necessary, or trying to touch them if they’re frustrated with you.
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Listen to and accept the other person’s response. Even if you're the sole party at fault, remember an apology involves two people. Let the person you've hurt air any grievances you haven't addressed, and listen patiently and attentively, without interrupting. You might need to apologize further.
- Also, give the person space, if they need it, even if you’re apologizing to a close friend . Their response may be that they need time to think, or that they can’t accept the apology. Respect that, thank them for listening to you, and move on.
- Clinical psychologist Dr. Gera Anderson adds, “listen patiently to the person’s reasoning for why they believe they have been betrayed by you. Then, accept any responsibility for your part in the betrayal.”
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Make amends and work to improve in the future. If your actions resulted in damaged property or other tangible harm, ask the person if you can replace or repair it. You might also need to explain your actions to others to repair the other person’s reputation. Then, make a conscious effort to avoid the behavior that led you to hurting them in the first place. [6] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good in Action An initiative by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center promoting science-based practices for a meaningful life Go to source
- For instance, you may need to give up bad habits like drinking if they lead you to bad behavior, or you may need to take steps to learn more about other perspectives and expand your mind.
- Communicate what you’ll do to change to the other person to assure them that you mean it. But most importantly, follow through!
- You might say something like, “I want you to know that in the future I’ll…” or, “From now on, I won’t…”
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Quiz
wikiHow Quiz: What Is My Apology Language?
Section 2 of 3:
What if they don’t accept your apology?
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Accept their stance, and avoid pushing the subject. Ultimately, the choice to accept the apology is theirs, and you can’t force things back to the way they were. If they decline the apology, ask for distance, or set other boundaries, respect them. You might, however, express that you’re still open to reconciliation in the future. [7] X Research source
- For example, say, “I understand and respect your choice. If you ever want to talk about it again, though, I’m open to that.”
- Avoid further antagonizing them with things like, “I’m sorry, even if you can’t accept it,” or, “Well, I apologized, so I did the right thing.”
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Strive to do better anyway. An apology, even a declined apology, is only worth anything if you make steps to change. Even if they don’t accept your apology right away, they’ll never accept it if they see that your efforts to improve stopped there. [8] X Research source Commit to changing your behavior in the future, with other people, even if you’re not interacting with this person anymore.
- Avoid the temptation to “demonstrate” how you’ve changed for the other person. Let them see that naturally, if they’re open to it.
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Section 3 of 3:
When shouldn’t you apologize?
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Avoid apologizing for doing what’s best for you. Some people may take offense at you for simply existing, or for not doing enough to please them. This especially true for women, girls, and many minority groups, who are often shamed for “taking up space” or standing up for themselves. [9] X Trustworthy Source Child Mind Institute Nonprofit organization providing evidence-based care for children with mental health and learning disorders and their families Go to source But simply existing is never something to feel guilty for.
- If you’re unsure, ask yourself, or a friend: Did my actions actually cause harm, or did someone else just think they caused harm? Am I being made to feel guilty for doing something I needed to do? Is the other person trying to control the way I live by demanding an apology?
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Never apologize for something you didn’t do. Sometimes, people will demand an apology just to “get things over with” or to find a scapegoat. Other times, you may feel like you need to apologize just to avoid someone’s anger, even if you didn’t do anything. [10] X Trustworthy Source Child Mind Institute Nonprofit organization providing evidence-based care for children with mental health and learning disorders and their families Go to source But these aren’t reasons to apologize. If you’re not at fault, it’s not your responsibility to make things right.
- Do your best to explain your perspective to a third party or someone in authority if you feel like you’re being targeted.
- Also avoid “over-apologizing,” or constantly saying sorry for minor, inconsequential things like stumbling over your words.
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Community Q&A
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QuestionHow do I apologize when the person ignores me completely?Community AnswerGive the person time. It's better to leave them be until they're willing to accept your apology, because if you don't it could create more problems.
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QuestionHow do I apologize to a sibling after acting selfish?Community AnswerTell them you're sorry for being selfish, and that you'll do your best to be more generous and caring in the future. If they don't forgive you right away, just give them some time. Then do your best to actually refrain from being selfish. Actions speak louder than words!
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QuestionCan I say I am sorry in a note?Community AnswerThe best way is to apologize in person. Saying you're sorry in a note can come across as insincere. It's awkward and uncomfortable to have to face the person, but it's one of the consequences of wronging someone else (and a good incentive not to do so in the future).
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Tips
- Avoid begging someone for forgiveness, and allow them to process their feelings on their own time. You may have owed them an apology, but they don’t necessarily owe you forgiveness.Thanks
- If it feels appropriate, you might also offer them a small but meaningful gift related to the apology, like a pair of concert tickets if you’re apologizing for bailing on spending time together. Avoid offering trinkets for the sake of “buying” forgiveness.Thanks
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References
- ↑ https://iep.utm.edu/apology/#SH1b
- ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/the_three_parts_of_an_effective_apology
- ↑ William Gardner, PsyD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 25 July 2019.
- ↑ Gera Anderson, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 18 October 2021.
- ↑ William Gardner, PsyD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 25 July 2019.
- ↑ https://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/making_an_effective_apology
- ↑ https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/after-apology-when-being-sorry-isnt-enough-0523165
- ↑ https://iep.utm.edu/apology/#H6
- ↑ https://childmind.org/article/why-girls-apologize-too-much/
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