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Ah, romance. Just what everyone needs...right? Wrong. The Valentine's Day marketing machine and the quest for social acceptance can make " Singles Awareness Day " dreary or even cruel if you're alone, whether by choice or by circumstance. It's hard to see what else life has to offer when you're bombarded with romantic comedies on TV, flowers, romance novels and cutesy heart-shaped trinkets in the stores, and never-ending drippy advertisements and event announcements.
Fear not. You can be happy as a single on Valentine's Day. Resist the pressure to couple up if it doesn't happen to be the time for you, and celebrate the moment .
Steps
Sample Activities
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Get some perspective. If you feel sad because Valentine's Day causes feelings of loneliness and reminds you that you're "just" a single, it might help to realize that there are plenty of other single people experiencing Valentine's Day too.- While some of them might be feeling as miserable as you, some of them are probably having a wonderful time snickering at the pointlessness of Valentine's Day or not even bothering to give it any notice. And then there are many couples who resist Valentine's Day as much as possible, despairing of the pressure to conform to purchasing gifts and celebrating the occasion like clockwork and who find the commercialization of Valentine's Day crass even though they're in love.
- With this perspective in mind, it can be a little easier to stop sniffling into your handkerchief .
- Remind yourself that the benefits of Valentine's Day are realized in the cashier's till of the florist, candy retailers, gift stores and restaurants catering for romantic dinners for two.
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Love your singleness. Think about all the marvelous benefits of being single, from not fighting over the TV remote control to being able to keep your living space as clean or as messy as you'd like. The "couples" messaging is strong but it isn't a reflection of the full reality of how people choose to live their lives; don't fall for the hype that everyone's paired off and happy as a result. There are many very happy single people but it's just not currently fashionable to cover the happiness of being single in media or political discourse.- Write a list of all the good points about being single. For example, free time, no compromises on the home front, less responsibilities, etc. And think about how some of those good points would evaporate within a relationship. Focus on the benefits rather than seeing drawbacks.
- If people choose to rub your "singleness" in your face on Valentine's Day, be strong and reply with compassion: "I like being single. I get to choose how I want to live without having to make compromises, meals, or even the bed." And you might wish to mention that statistics reveal that half the community is single, with 51 percent of women, for example, living without a spouse. [1] X Research source
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Be happy within yourself regardless of your relationship status. Romantic tales often suggest that another person can complete you, with common sayings such as "my better half", "I was half the person without you", and "our two hearts beat as one" being readily asserted with few people stopping to assess what that actually means. If taken too seriously, this unhealthy perspective can mean co-dependence , loss of independence, and losing yourself in another person. That is hardly romantic ! And do relationships equate with happiness ever after? Divorce statistics and the stories of unhappy marriages seem to attest otherwise for a large group of people. Bear in mind that there's no need to change who you are, or to lose your liberty or your habits when you're single. Rather than feeling down on Valentine's Day, celebrate the strengths and achievements that testify to you being a whole and healthy person, a person who has space for love should it come along but who does not need such a relationship to create self-worth and happiness confidence. -
Avoid being swept away by the tide. You may be very romantic and long for your "soul mate" some day but patience may need to be your current virtue. There are plenty of Valentine's Days in a lifetime just as there are plenty of possible people with whom you could eventually fall in love. Sometimes what is difficult about surviving Valentine's Day as a single is the sheer preponderance of love messaging suggesting that you need to hurry or you'll risk missing the boat. If that were the case, then love in your senior years wouldn't be possible and that's just not true. Many romances spark throughout people's lives, no matter what age. In the meantime, love the life you're living and don't live for love.- Remember what can happen to those who rush love and marry before knowing themselves. This can end in one partner realizing some day that they need to "find themselves" and the relationship suffers for it.
- Diapers are not romantic. Endless nights without sleep are not romantic. Don't rush before you're absolutely ready to commit; enjoy this single time, now or for as long as you intend it to last.
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Treat yourself. As you're standing in the queue waiting to pay for your mundane everyday items, if you find yourself falling for the doe-eyed stuffed teddy holding a heart while wishing someone would send you one of those soppy cards, or you're salivating over the box of heart-shaped chocolates , consider treating yourself instead of beating yourself up. If that teddy is so cute you want it on your bed, give in. Or better yet, splurge on buying something you'd really like to have, like a bottle of perfume, a six-pack of European beers, a new coffee plunger, or a recent book by a favorite author. Don't make this day about hurt and loss. Make it all about love, even when single!- Do something decadent like attend a day spa all day long or go for a sightseeing flight over your city. Take along some friends if doing this alone feels weird.
- Not too decadent. Set your troubles aside for a day, but don't make them worse. You'll enjoy yourself more now as well as in the future if you know you won't worry more about how to reduce expenses because you spent too much on an indulgence like a huge box of boutique chocolates , or how to lose weight fast because they were too good to stop eating.
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Find out what's happening in the singles scene. A number of bars hold singles parties that will give you the chance to celebrate the day as an unattached person. Don't take your love expectations though; just go to have a great time and to discover some new people to talk to and share cocktails with. This isn't about falling for anyone out of loneliness! -
Think of the money you're saving. The overly romantic person might reply "Ah but what price can be placed on love? It is priceless!" That kind of thinking can lead you to live a life of extravagance without focusing on the practicalities and the importance of validating relationships with words and deeds over expensive love tokens. Diamonds are expensive and they're not that good at relationship advice. -
Love your exercise . If love has you in its grip, shake it off like you'd shake off the blues, with some good old-fashioned exercise. A run around the park, a skate across the rink, or a swim in the pool might be just the ticket to help you resist the more primal desires. -
Consider the day after Valentine's Day. Will all those lovers continue whispering sweet nothings in each other's ears, will they keep surprising one another with candlelit dinners and trips down memory lane? It is to be hoped so. Reality however, suggests otherwise and we all, single or unattached, can fall into a habit of not acknowledging the people who matter in our life . Why not use Valentine's Day as a reminder to spend the rest of the year letting people know how much they mean to you. That will show your coupled friends that love is everywhere.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionHow can I tell if I'm better off being single instead of looking for a relationship?Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. She is the author of “Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues” which details the top 15 relationship issues and 3 quick solutions to each. She is also the award-winning and best-selling author of “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and was a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.Really check in with how your heart is feeling to see if there are any underlying feelings from past relationships that you still need to heal from.
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QuestionMy boyfriend broke up with me and started being a jerk. Now he wants to get back together. I really want a boyfriend again. What should I do?Community AnswerDon't put up with a jerk just because you want a boyfriend. Wait for someone who will treat you right.
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QuestionI broke up with my boyfriend and I have been single for 5 months, people who are together are getting me upset, I want a boyfriend again, what can I do?Community AnswerHonestly I have been through the same and I'm sure many others have too. The best thing to do is wait and trust me the right person will soon come into your life. Don't cry over one person, there are still 7 billion people in the world to smile about.
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Tips
- You should also realize that there are less fortunate people around the world. You may feel depressed about yourself on Valentine's Day on not having a mate, but there's plenty of people who do don't even have a home, food, good health, freedom, and other essentials. Your situation pales in comparison to people who live under dictatorships and/or third-world poverty. Try volunteering at a homeless shelter or donate goods to third world countries. You will realize how lucky you still are and not worry about not having a mate too much.Thanks
- Set up your sweet tooth and look forward to Cheap Chocolates Day, when the soft centers and seasonal candy treats are marked down to quarter price because the box is heart shaped. Best day of the year to enjoy expensive boxed chocolates at a super discount. Heck, consider this even if you are in a couple, it might be more romantic to spend Valentine's Day itself alone getting into something more personal and less crowd-oriented.Thanks
- Celebrate "Cheap Chocolates Day." All those fancy treats, soft center chocolates and interesting concoctions are discounted heavily on the 15th. You can have a good time celebrating on your own the day after and look forward to the goodies!Thanks
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Warnings
- If people act as if they're sorry for you or pity you, avoid biting or sarcastic comments about their love life. Just remind them gently that you're happy or that you're actively getting on with life in a way that works for you. If you're really pestered, ask them why it bothers them so much that you're not in a couple. That might actually touch a raw nerve!Thanks
- Giving in and watching a whole lot of soppy romance movies, listening to love songs on the radio, and watching Valentine's Day specials on TV will make things far worse for you. Don't wallow in your self-pity, because you shouldn't have any. You'll feel wretched, cry, and think you're missing out on something. Do yourself a favor and simply don't do it. There are plenty of fun things you could be doing instead, like celebrating Ferris Wheel Day.Thanks
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Things You'll Need
- Treats for yourself
- Exercise time
References
- ↑ Kate Zernicke, Why are there so many single Americans?, https://www.nytimes.com/2007/01/21/weekinreview/21zernike.html
About This Article
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