How to Set Boundaries for Being Friends with an Ex

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Ending a relationship with someone you care about can be tough, so wanting to be friends with them is totally natural. A lot of people will tell you that staying friends with an ex is impossible, but with a little preparation and honesty, you can do it! Some of best ways to do this include forgiving your ex, not snooping on their social media profiles, hanging out in groups instead of one-on-one, and focusing on the future (rather than dwelling on the past). Keep reading to learn how you can set clear boundaries and maintain a platonic relationship with your ex-partner.

This article is based on an interview with our relationship counselor, Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC, owner of Colorado Relationship Recovery. Check out the full interview here.

Best Ways to Set Boundaries for Being Friends with an Ex

  1. Forgive your ex if you’re mad at them.
  2. Avoid snooping on their social media profiles.
  3. Be mindful of your current partner’s feelings.
  4. Hang out in groups rather than one-on-one.
  5. Avoid dwelling on or bringing up the past.
  6. Avoid flirting and "friends with benefits" situations.
1

Take some time for yourself first.

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  1. If you just broke up with your ex, you probably still have a lot of feelings surrounding them (both positive and negative). Try going no-contact for a while, and give yourself a bit of time to heal. [1] Even if you were the one who broke up with them, giving yourself some time will benefit you both in the long-run. [2]
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2

Forgive your ex if you’re mad at them.

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  1. If your ex did something to make you angry, look into your heart and see if you can forgive them. Not everything is forgivable, so if you decide you can’t do that, then you may be better off staying exes instead of trying to be friends. [5]
    • It’s much easier to stay friends with your ex when things ended amicably. If there are no hard feelings from either party, you’re very likely to have a fun friendship ahead of you!
3

Avoid any flirting.

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  1. [6] When you and your ex are together, keep things strictly platonic, and treat them like you would a good friend. Don’t touch them on the arm, don’t say anything suggestive, and definitely don’t give them any compliments on their physical appearance.
    • You might think that you’d never flirt with your ex again, but you’d be surprised! It’s really easy to fall back into old habits, especially if the breakup was pretty recent.
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4

Don’t try a “friends with benefits” relationship.

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  1. If you want to stay friends with your ex, don’t hook up with them, even if you think you can keep the rest of the relationship platonic. [7] It might sound tempting, but avoid making out or having sex with your ex unless you get back together as a couple. [8]
    • Friends with benefits relationships can work, but usually only with people you’ve never had feelings for. There’s a good chance that having sex with your ex will bring up old emotions for one or both of you, which can muddy the waters.
5

Hang out in a group.

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  1. It can be a little intimidating to meet with your ex one-on-one, especially for the first time. When you first start hanging again, invite your ex to go out with you and your pals. Or, if you have mutual friends, you can all meet up for one big group hang to try things out. [9]
    • A lot of people recommend never hanging out with your ex one-on-one again—this is a great way to keep boundaries clear, since you’ll never be put in a tempting or uncomfortable situation.
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6

Bond over your common interests.

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  1. If you aren’t sure what to do when you two hang out, try the fun activities you used to do together as a couple (as long as they aren’t romantic). Maybe you can nerd out together about a movie or TV show, or maybe you can go hiking in a group because you both really love nature.
    • Think back to what drew you two together in the first place. Rekindling that bond can lead to a fun, fulfilling friendship that might even be stronger than your past relationship.
7

Make new memories.

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  1. Referencing your relationship once or twice is okay, but if you talk about it every time you see each other, boundaries can get a little muddy. Try not to reminisce about all the fun stuff you two used to do, and instead focus on having fun together now with your new friendship. [10]
    • You should also try not to dwell on the bad memories, either. Those may lead to resentment, and it can be tough to stay friends with someone that you’re angry at.
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8

Explain your friendship to any new partners.

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  1. Sit down with your partner and explain to them that you’re still friends with your ex, but you don’t have any feelings for them. [11] You might mention how you’ve been able to keep things strictly platonic since your breakup, and you would never do anything to make your partner feel uncomfortable. Then, listen to any concerns they have, and try to make them feel a little more at-ease about the whole relationship. [12]
    • You might say something like, “Jessie and I used to date, but we broke up years ago. We figured out that we were better off as friends, and we’ve just been good buds ever since. I want to make sure you feel comfortable with our relationship, so let me know if I ever do anything out-of-bounds.”
9

Be mindful of your current partner’s feelings.

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  1. [13] Not everyone is okay with their significant other being friends with their ex, and that’s okay. They may have some ground rules they set (like no hanging out alone, no texting late at night), or they might ask you to stop seeing your ex all together. It’s important to listen to your partner’s feelings and explain that you’re just friends, and that you don’t have any feelings for each other anymore. [14]
    • Try something like, “I know it seems weird, but Marissa and I really are just friends. We only dated for a little while, and we were friends before. But if I ever do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, we can talk about it and figure out new boundaries.”
    Expert Answer
    Q

    Is it a bad idea to be friends with your ex?

    Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC

    Relationship Counselor
    Jason Polk is a Relationship Counselor and the Owner of Colorado Relationship Recovery. With over 12 years of experience as a therapist, he specializes in helping couples build healthy and thriving relationships through counseling. Jason holds an MSW from Newman University, Colorado Springs. He is also a Level II Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT) therapist, Healing Our Core Issues (HOCII) Certified therapist, and has training in Relational Life Therapy (RLT).
    EXPERT ADVICE
    Answer from Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC :

    Not necessarily, as long as there's plenty of communication. Follow the steps in this article to make sure that your ex understands what your boundaries are. Also, check in regularly with your current partner to make sure that your friendship with your ex isn't weighing on your current relationship.

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10

Encourage your ex to get a new partner.

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  1. If you want to be friends with your ex, encourage them to get back out there, and be nice to any new partner of theirs that you meet. If you start feeling jealous or weird about your ex dating again, it might be best to take a step back from the relationship so you don’t get mixed up in your feelings again. [15]
    • If you do meet your ex’s new partner, it’s really important that you do your best to make them feel comfortable. It can be intimidating to meet your new partner’s ex, especially when they’re still friends.
    • On the flip side, if you’re the one dating and your ex isn’t, you might not want to broadcast that fact. Moving on too quickly can lead to hurt feelings, which doesn’t foster a very loving friendship.
11

Say no to things you aren’t comfortable with.

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  1. [16] Maybe they want to hang out one-on-one, or maybe they want to do a date-like activity. If anything starts feeling weird or you just aren’t comfortable talking with them, tell them that you need to take a step back. [17]
    • Say something like, “Since we aren’t dating anymore, I’m just not super comfortable with that. I hope you understand.”
    • Reader Poll: We asked 593 wikiHow readers, and 66% agreed that the best way to set healthy boundaries with an ex is through honest, open communication. [Take Poll]
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12

End the friendship if it’s just not working.

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  1. If you start having feelings for your ex or they’re crossing any of your boundaries, you don’t have to keep this relationship going. [18] Let your ex know that you’re taking a break from the friendship for your own sake, and then consider going no-contact again for a while. [19]
    • You could say something like, “I’m not really sure being friends was the best idea for us. I’m getting a little confused about our relationship, and I think I’m gonna take a step back for now.”

Common Questions: Being Friends with an Ex

Is it a good idea to be friends with an ex?

Being friends with an ex can work out in some cases, but it's best to give it some time after the breakup so you can move on mentally and emotionally first. Setting clear boundaries and expectations can prevent both of you from getting hurt. [20]

How long should you wait before being friends with an ex?

There's no specific time frame, but experts do recommend giving it some time post-breakup before attempting to be friends. It's important that both of you move on mentally and emotionally before attempting to be friends. [21]

When should you walk away from a friendship with an ex?

You should walk away from the friendship if your ex repeatedly crosses your boundaries, still has obvious feelings for you, or makes you feel uncomfortable in any way. If one of your current partners doesn't like the friendship, you may want to consider that, as well. [22]

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References

  1. ↑ Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC. Relationship Counselor. Expert Interview. 11 February 2022.
  2. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/dealing-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm
  3. ↑ Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC. Relationship Counselor. Expert Interview. 11 February 2022.
  4. ↑ Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC. Relationship Counselor. Expert Interview. 11 February 2022.
  5. ↑ https://extension.umn.edu/divorce-and-other-family-transitions/importance-forgiveness
  6. ↑ Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC. Relationship Counselor. Expert Interview. 24 November 2021.
  7. ↑ Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC. Relationship Counselor. Expert Interview. 24 November 2021.
  8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/naked-truth/202304/can-i-be-friends-with-my-ex
  9. ↑ https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a25918646/friends-with-ex-tips/
  1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/naked-truth/202306/can-you-shift-from-lovers-to-friends
  2. ↑ Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC. Relationship Counselor. Expert Interview. 24 November 2021.
  3. ↑ Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC. Relationship Counselor. Expert Interview. 24 November 2021.
  4. ↑ Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC. Relationship Counselor. Expert Interview. 24 November 2021.
  5. ↑ https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a25918646/friends-with-ex-tips/
  6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/naked-truth/202306/can-you-shift-from-lovers-to-friends
  7. ↑ Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC. Relationship Counselor. Expert Interview. 24 November 2021.
  8. ↑ https://au.reachout.com/articles/dealing-with-a-toxic-friendship
  9. ↑ Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC. Relationship Counselor. Expert Interview. 24 November 2021.
  10. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/naked-truth/202306/can-you-shift-from-lovers-to-friends
  11. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-power-of-parallels/202303/should-you-remain-friends-with-an-ex
  12. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-power-of-parallels/202303/should-you-remain-friends-with-an-ex
  13. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/naked-truth/202306/can-you-shift-from-lovers-to-friends

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