Download Article
Download Article
Telling your parents that you suspect you're autistic can be challenging. You may worry about how they'll react and whether they'll believe you. Here's how to prepare, start the conversation, and respond well to their reactions.
Steps
Autism is a multifaceted disability, and it takes a lot of research in order to understand.
-
1Learn about autism . Autism is a very complex and misunderstood disability, so it takes a lot of research to understand it. Read lists of traits and essays by autistic people. Autistic people are often the best source, because they have firsthand experience with how their brains work, and some stereotypes are wildly inaccurate. Signs of autism include:
- Social struggles [1]
X
Expert Source
Meredith Brinster, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 23 July 2021. (being perceived as rude, feeling like you're "guessing" what to say, trouble relating to peers, etc.) - Difficulty understanding social relationships [2]
X
Expert Source
Meredith Brinster, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 23 July 2021. - Difficulty reading faces and interacting with others
- Learning to hide your true personality because people tend to judge you harshly if you speak your mind and be yourself (known as "autistic masking")
- May need more alone time
- Avoidance of eye contact, staring, or unusual eye contact
- May not want cuddling
- Uneven physical or verbal skills. For example, poor handwriting or bad coordination.
- Intense focus and large memory, especially when studying favorite things; may remember childhood well
- Difficulty with forming or understanding spoken words. May struggle with forming coherent sentences, and prefer written words, sign language, typing, or other forms of communication
- Intense, narrow interests that bring you joy [3]
X
Expert Source
Meredith Brinster, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 23 July 2021. - Preference of routines and sameness [4]
X
Expert Source
Meredith Brinster, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 23 July 2021. - Strong, overpowering emotions, potentially resulting in meltdowns
- Idiosyncratic speech: echoing words or phrases, [5] X Research source flat or singsong tone of voice, unusual pitch, and/or artistic and abstract language.
- Exaggerated response or little response to sensory input like sound, light, smell, taste, etc.
- Interest in how things work
- Stimming behaviors (e.g. hand flapping, rocking, tapping pencils, hugging oneself, clapping hands, jumping, spinning, etc.)
- Strong sense of justice and morality
- Remarkable honesty and loyalty
- Social struggles [1]
X
Expert Source
Meredith Brinster, PhD
-
2Research carefully before making too many assumptions. Reading one article on autism isn't enough to get a good sense. Read the diagnostic criteria, delve into the Autistic community online, and read how autistics describe autism. Reflect as you read. Does it fit you?
- Research related and co-occurring conditions. Is it possible that you have any of these in addition to autism, or instead of autism?
- Keep in mind that autism is not perfectly understood. There is still misinformation out there, and there are studies with contradictory and unclear conclusions. Some information is written by non-autistic people who never consulted any autistics, and thus may have gotten something wrong.
Tip: Even if autism seems likely, don't get too attached to the diagnosis. You don't want to become so single-minded that you overlook the truth. For example, a combination of ADHD and NVLD can look a lot like autism. You want an accurate diagnosis.
Advertisement -
3Learn about conditions that could be mistaken for autism . ADHD , reactive attachment disorder, social anxiety , avoidant personality disorder, OCD , and schizophrenia are examples of conditions that can look somewhat similar to autism. [6] X Research source
- It's possible to be autistic and have one or more of these conditions too. For example, it isn't uncommon for autistic people to have ADHD.
-
4Reflect upon what you've read. Think back on your childhood, your quirks, your needs, and the accommodations that you and others make for you. When you consider autism, do things start to make more sense? Or is it a poor fit?
-
5Consider your childhood and your earliest memories. Did you walk in circles, line up your toys, or make unusual repetitive movements? Did you hit your milestones in an unusual order? (This includes early childhood, and also later childhood, such as learning to ride a bike or swim.) Reflect on your childhood and see if autism explains any of your quirks, strengths, or struggles. Do you remember things like:
- Lining up toys (in straight lines, arrays, or other arrangements)
- Stimming like hand-flapping, finger-tapping, or rocking
- Repetitive rituals, e.g. pacing around an object and touching it repetitively
- Making up stories in your head instead of playing them out with toys
- Meltdowns or shutdowns after many of your peers had outgrown "tantrums"
- Struggling with motor tasks like learning to ride a bike, swimming, writing neatly, or taking outdoor clothes like coats/shoes off/on quickly
- Not knowing how to make friends
- Finding it easier to relate to adults than their peers
- Peers treating you like an outsider or a younger child
- Being frequently criticized/corrected for your body language or things you say, despite you doing your best
-
6Talk to real autistic people. Visit a disability club, read blogs, or use #AskAnAutistic/#AskingAutistics to ask about autism. You can even talk about the autistic traits you've noticed in yourself, and ask if they think it's a possibility.
- Some autistic people have created lists of traits that could indicate undiagnosed autism. [7] X Research source [8] X Research source
- It's considered bad manners to post in #ActuallyAutistic unless you are either diagnosed or quite sure that you're autistic. However, anyone is welcome to read, listen, and learn.
Advertisement
-
1Try writing a draft of what you want to say if you're struggling. If starting this conversation is hard for you, some planning may help. Use this guide to help you draft an outline of what to say and how you want to say it.
- If you are really struggling, you can choose to write your parent(s) a letter to give them the news, then talk about it after they've read it and processed a little.
-
2Choose a calm, quiet time to talk. You'll want a time when no one is especially stressed or distracted. Try a time like doing simple chores together, a long car ride, or cleaning up after dinner.
- If your parents are moving quickly, being louder than usual, or being short with you, that means they are probably stressed and not ready to listen.
- Avoid times of extra stress, like when someone is sick, a big transition (e.g. right before a vacation), or holidays with relatives over. Your parents may not be as focused, and have a hard time listening well.
-
3Use "process talk" to explain that you have something important to say. You can say something like "I have something big to tell you, and I'm wondering if now is a good time."
-
4Explain that you think there's a possibility you're autistic. Give some examples of your unusual behavior and experiences. Let them know that you've been thinking about this carefully and that finding answers is important to you.
- For example, "I think I could be autistic. I've been researching it for the past month, and a lot of the qualities describe me—meltdowns, sensitivity to sound, difficulty understanding others' thoughts and feelings, and fidgeting, for example. I've put a lot of thought into this and it's helped me understand myself better."
- Describe the traits that are most noticeable in you, especially that others can notice. For example, you lining up your things and having meltdowns may be easier for others to see than your face blindness. Bring up the most obvious ones first.
Tip: You don't have to get your parents to agree that you're probably autistic today. All you need to do is convince them that it's worth bringing up with a doctor or specialist.
-
5Use tentative language. If you show that you're open-minded about various possibilities, your parents are more likely to be open-minded too. Instead of saying you're sure you're autistic, say that you think it's possible.
- You may have done weeks or months of detailed research, and thus be used to the idea. However, your parents are likely hearing this for the first time. If you sound uncertain, they're less likely to give a knee-jerk "no" response, and they'll take the possibility more seriously.
-
6Focus on the benefits of looking into it. Describe how a diagnosis, and the subsequent support, could help you. Typical parents want what's best for you, so focus on how seeing a specialist could improve your life. Here are some examples of the benefits of a diagnosis:
- You could learn diagnosis-specific techniques for reducing stress in your life, making you more comfortable and calm.
- School accommodations could could improve your grades, enhance your understanding of the material, and/or reduce stress.
- You could get therapy focused on your specific challenges (e.g. sensory integration therapy).
- Your parents could understand you better, making it easier to respond to your needs and quirks.
- You and your parents would have access to a supportive community of autistics and their loved ones.
-
7Be prepared to correct common misconceptions. Many people don't know much about autism. They may think of stereotypes that don't fit many autistic people well.
- Many autistic people are able to speak.
- Autism isn't always obvious from a young age. Some kids get labeled as "quirky" or "odd" instead.
- Autistic people do care about others, often quite deeply. Many autistics have empathy. However, not all of them know how to show this in ways that others understand.
- Autism is not a childhood disability. It is lifelong. There is no "cure."
- Autism is not limited to white boys. People of all ethnicities, ages, and genders can be autistic.
- Autism is not an epidemic. It isn't contagious, the word "epidemic" is misleading, and autistic people have many unique gifts to offer the world.
- Each autistic person is different. Some need a lot of support, while others go for decades without knowing why they're different. The degree to which they have different symptoms may vary.
-
8Tell a strongly resistant parent how you seeing a doctor would benefit them. Getting care for a disability can be tough if your parents are bad listeners, negligent, or abusive. If your parents are dismissive or cruel to you, focus on how their life might be improved by you getting a diagnosis.
- For a parent who is annoyed by specific traits you have, such as meltdowns: "A therapist could help me avoid meltdowns, so then I wouldn't be crying and making a scene so much."
- For a self-absorbed parent: "Parents are really important in the diagnosis process. I bet they'd want to interview you. After all, you're the expert on what I was like in childhood."
- For a parent who is tired of you asking about autism: "If we finally got answers, I wouldn't have to keep wondering why I'm different. I could stop asking questions."
Tip: If they don't believe you after some time, you do have other options. Go to a school counselor or other trusted adult and explain the situation. They may be able to talk to your parent(s). Once it's time for your doctor check-up, you can also explain to the doctor that you think there's a chance you're autistic.
-
9Give your parents time to process this. This is big news, and your parents may need time to absorb it. They may also not understand what autism is very well. Do your best to be patient with them if they react badly. It's not personal; they're just confused.
-
10Ask to see a doctor or specialist. Your general practitioner or insurance company may be able to refer you to an autism expert, who can officially evaluate you for autism and related conditions. [9] X Expert Source Meredith Brinster, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 23 July 2021.- If your parents are skeptical, you can explain that seeing a specialist would clear things up.
- The diagnosis process is not perfect, and can rely on your ability to produce anecdotes about certain traits you do or don't have. Being prepared for your appointment can help you get a more accurate diagnosis.
Advertisement
Quiz Pack: We’ve handpicked these quizzes just for you.
You’ve read the article, now get personalized advice with wikiHow Quizzes. Each quiz is carefully researched and even endorsed by experts. Have fun and get the expert advice you need!
Expert Q&A
Ask a Question
200 characters left
Include your email address to get a message when this question is answered.
Submit
Advertisement
Tips
- If your parents are the skeptical sort, print out some articles or quiz results to offer to them.Thanks
- If one parent is much more understanding than the other, talk to the understanding parent first. Then the two of you can tell the other parent.Thanks
-
Thanks
Submit a Tip
All tip submissions are carefully reviewed before being published
Name
Please provide your name and last initial
Thanks for submitting a tip for review!
Advertisement
Warnings
- Look out for anti-autism groups such as Autism Speaks when you research. Some organizations label themselves charities while spreading destructive rhetoric. This is not a reflection of you, and you have every right to ignore them.Thanks
Advertisement
References
- ↑ Meredith Brinster, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 23 July 2021.
- ↑ Meredith Brinster, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 23 July 2021.
- ↑ Meredith Brinster, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 23 July 2021.
- ↑ Meredith Brinster, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 23 July 2021.
- ↑ http://musingsofanaspie.com/2013/09/18/echolalia-thats-what-she-said/
- ↑ https://www.webmd.com/brain/autism/autism-similar-conditions
- ↑ https://misslunarose.home.blog/2021/02/21/dsm-5-autism-quiz/
- ↑ https://misslunarose.home.blog/2020/02/25/steve-asbell-aq-r/
- ↑ Meredith Brinster, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 23 July 2021.
About This Article
Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 99,820 times.
Reader Success Stories
- "Reading this article and others has made the thought of telling my family and friends that there is a chance I may be neurodivergent less of a daunting task. I'm not quite ready to tell them of this news but this has helped me greatly figuring things out." ..." more
Advertisement
96%
of readers found this article helpful
.
Click a star to add your vote
% of people told us that this article helped them.
"Reading this article and others has made the thought of telling my family and friends that there is a chance I may be neurodivergent less of a daunting task. I'm not quite ready to tell them of this news but this has helped me greatly figuring things out."
..."
more
"The article helped me solidify my suspicions that I might be autistic, and it helped me gain the courage to tell my close friends. I'm building up the courage to talk to my father about it, but I believe I am one step closer to getting tested."
..."
more
"This helped me be prepared to communicate my concerns and start the next step in seeking out a professional assessment. I would be nowhere as close as I am without the Autism Spectrum section on wikiHow. Thank you!"
..."
more
"I'm still a kid, and my mum doesn't actually understand every time I bring it up with her. It helped me with helping me think about what I should say to her, and it helped her understand my point of view more."
..."
more
"This helped give me more confidence to tell my parents about what I think. I'm not ready quite yet, but it's given me enough confidence that I might be ready in a few years."
..."
more
