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Perhaps you have realized you are gay and that you have fallen in love with your friend. You have also probably realized that this is a lot to deal with! You may want to be honest with your friend about your sexuality as well as your romantic feelings. Keep in mind that this is probably not something you want to do all at once. First, you will want to come out to your friend. Second, determine if you want to tell your friend how you feel. And finally, if you choose, share your feelings with your friend. This is a process that may take a few weeks or months. [1] X Research source
Steps
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Work on understanding and accepting who you are. Explore your identity and keep in mind that the first step in coming out and telling your friend that you love them is being comfortable with your own feelings. Because of societal pressures and expectations related to sexual orientation and gender identity, this isn’t always an easy process. Work on getting more comfortable in your own skin so that you can be strong and confident when you come out.
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Choose the right time and place. Consider how you would like to come out to your friend. Remember, there’s no “right” way to come out. Just do what is most comfortable for you. You can make a big announcement or just casually slip it into conversation. [2] X Expert Source Lauren Urban, LCSW
Licensed Psychotherapist Expert Interview. 3 September 2018. Things you may wish to consider:- Decide if you would rather tell your friend individually or in a group setting.
- Think about places you’d be comfortable telling your friend. Consider a place or activity you both enjoy; for example, getting coffee, playing tennis, taking a walk or while at your favorite pizza place.
- Give your friend enough time to ask questions and respond to you. Make sure they’re able to be focused on what you’re saying to them. For example, you might not want to tell them between classes or if they are running late for an appointment.
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Talk to your friend about your sexuality. Before you share the romantic feelings you have toward your friend, you want your friend to know that you are gay. Come out to your friend before you tell them you are in love with them. Give them a few weeks to process this news first.
- It is best to just come right out and say it: “Matt, I’m gay” or “Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I’m gay.” Try not to get yourself worked up over it and wait for the “perfect” moment. [3] X Research source
- Do your best to speak clearly, even though you might be nervous. It might be more stressful to have to repeat yourself!
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Pay attention to their reaction. This will help you determine if you want to move forward in sharing your romantic feelings at a later point. They may be happy for you, freaked out, or somewhere in between.
- They might want to talk to you a lot about it, or they may just say, “Okay, that’s cool,” and change the subject.
- Answer their questions. They may ask you how long you’ve known, if you’ve told anyone else, how you’re feeling, or how they can help you. Be honest and open with your friend.
- It is possible that your friend had suspicions, and if so, will probably say they aren’t surprised.
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Consider how you will handle a negative reaction. Hopefully, your friend will respond positively to your news, but there is a chance that they will not. Be prepared that it might not be received well.
- If your friend gets angry or upset about the news, you could say, “I’m sorry this has made you upset. I hope you can support me anyway. This is who I am.” Then give your friend some space to process the news.
- Your friend may just need a little time to accept the news. Remember, it likely took you a long time to come to accept who you are! You can extend the same patience to your friend.
- If they are not supportive and continue to remain unsupportive, you will probably not want to continue the friendship. This will be painful, especially if you have romantic feelings toward the person, but you do not want to be in any type of relationship with someone who does not accept you for who you are.
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Stop right there. In this moment, it’s very normal to have feelings of fear, isolation and shame, but you may also feel liberated, courageous and happy, especially if your friend was supportive and enthusiastic about your coming out. There are a lot of emotions for you to process and work through, and this is a lot of news for your friend to process as well. Don’t drop another bombshell on them just yet.
- Wait a few weeks to determine your next steps, to allow your friend to process your news and for you to see how they take it.
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Consider coming out to others. If you haven’t already, it is a good idea to tell others that you are gay, too, besides just your friend. Pick a few people you know and feel comfortable with to tell first. Do your best to stay hopeful and optimistic and remember that whether people’s reactions are positive or negative, you are a worthy, valuable person. Above all, make sure to go at your own pace and always do what is best for you during this time. [4] X Research source
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Quiz
wikiHow Quiz: Am I Gay?
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Talk to someone. Talk to another person besides your friend to help figure out what you are feeling, and to figure out what steps to take. The listening ear of another close friend or a trusted mentor may help you clarify what you want to do. [5] X Expert Source Lauren Urban, LCSW
Licensed Psychotherapist Expert Interview. 3 September 2018.- Ask for your friend/mentor’s perspective on the situation, and what they would do if they were in your shoes. You could ask, “What would you do if you were gay and had a crush on your friend?”
- If you and your confidant have this friend in common, he or she may be able to help you figure out how your crush will take the news. Of course, you want to be talking to a person you trust, who will not be spreading your personal business to others. You probably don’t want your crush to find out your feelings from someone else.
- For example, you might say to a mutual friend, “I think I have feelings for Tom. I really want to tell him, because we’re such great friends, and I think we would be such a good couple. But I don’t know if it’s a good idea. What do you think? You’ve known him as long as I have, and I’d appreciate your point of view.”
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Observe your relationship. After you tell your friend you’re gay, pay close attention to their behavior when they’re around you for a while. Keep in mind that their initial behavior towards you may not be their genuine feelings towards you, especially if your announcement was a shock to them. You may want to wait a period of weeks or months before you take the next step.
- Watch their body language around you. If they are leaning towards you, smiling, or even acting flirtatiously toward you, they may be receptive toward your feelings. Conversely, if you find them moving away from you or not making eye contact, they still may be adjusting to you telling them you’re gay. You may want to wait until they are more comfortable with you, or not say anything at all.
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Consider your friend’s sexuality. If you know for a fact that your friend is straight or has another sexuality that is not compatible with yours, it might not be worth the risk of ruining a friendship by sharing your feelings. [6] X Research source
- If you are unsure of your friend’s sexuality, or think it is more fluid, you may want to tell them you’re in love with them.
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Decide if you want to tell your friend your feelings. Telling someone you are in love with them changes the nature of the relationship. Consider that there is a risk of ending the friendship. There is also the chance that your friend will have feelings for you.
- Think about your friendship. Do you think your friend would still be friends with you if you said you were in love with them? Would it be okay if your relationship if you disclosed your feelings? Would you begin a romantic relationship with your friend, even though it risks a breakup down the road?
- Reader Poll: We asked 511 wikiHow readers who've told their friend they have a crush on them, and 53% of them agreed that their goal in doing so is to see if there’s a chance for a romantic relationship. [Take Poll] Consider if this is worth the possibility of your friendship changing before making your decision.
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Consider different scenarios. Think about several outcomes of your conversation and decide how you would react and handle the results. Also consider how you would feel if you decided to keep your feelings about your friend to yourself.
- Your friend may respond warmly to your announcement but not be interested in having a romantic relationship. Would you be able to handle still remaining friends, knowing it will not go any further?
- You may want to imagine your worst-case scenario, and determine if revealing your feelings is worth the risk of a negative outcome: ruining your friendship or your friend gossiping about you, for example.
- Imagine how you think you would feel keeping your secret. Do you think the feeling would subside as time passes, or as life changes (for example, if you move away)?
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Imagine the worst possible outcome in your mind, and decide if it is worth the risk. You may decide it is, because you want to be open and honest with your friend.
- On the other hand, you may have a hunch that your friend doesn’t feel the same way as you and decide to wait.
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Decide how you want to tell them. Make sure to talk to your friend privately. Choose a time and place where you can have a private conversation.
- Have your conversation in person if at all possible. It is easier to determine their reaction than via phone or text.
- Do not talk to your friend while you are intoxicated. It might feel easier, but your friend will not take you seriously.
- You could also consider writing your friend a letter to express your feelings, if you are too nervous to do it in person.
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Talk about what your relationship means to you. Share your history and your friend’s importance in your life. Help your friend to understand where your feelings come from.
- You could say, “We’ve been friends for a long time. Your friendship means so much to me, and I can’t thank you enough for supporting me after I came out. We have so much fun together, and I really enjoy being with you.”
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Share your feelings. Let your friend know that you are in love with them (or have a crush on them, whatever language you want to use). Acknowledge that this might be awkward or uncomfortable for them.
- For example, “I am in love with you. I know you might think this is really weird, but I want to be honest about my feelings for you.”
- Say you thought for a long time about telling them because you were worried it would ruin your friendship. For example, “I have wanted to tell you for a long time, even before you knew I was gay, but I waited because I didn’t want to drop all these bombshells on you at once. I don’t want to ruin our friendship, but I also decided I wanted to be honest with you.”
- Express how sharing your feelings makes you feel. You could say, “I am so scared to tell you this because I am scared you don’t feel the same way, and that I am ruining our friendship by sharing this with you.”
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Be patient with your friend’s response. Your friend might not know what to say. Let them know it’s okay if they don’t want to say anything right now and want to think about it.
- You could say, “I’m sure that was really overwhelming to hear. It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it right now. But I would like to know what you think.”
- Keep in mind that your friend may never respond directly about their feelings for you. They might not feel the same way, or they are confused, or they are uncomfortable. If so, let it go and move on. You said what you needed to say, and the ball is in your friend’s court.
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Make peace with whatever happens. Be proud of yourself for sharing your feelings. Telling a crush you like them is a big deal no matter what, because you have made yourself vulnerable and shared a very deep part of who you are with them. It takes a lot of bravery to do this, so hats off to you!
- Give your friend some distance if your announcement did not go over well, and accept that it’s what they need to do right now.
- Your friendship may or may not rebound from the pronouncement of your feelings. If your friend does not want a romantic relationship, it may take time before things feel “normal” again between the two of you.
- If your friend is not interested, you may find yourself moving on anyway. You have gotten this off your chest and now feel freer to pursue other romantic opportunities. You may be less heartbroken than you think.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionHow do you tell someone you are gay?Lauren Urban is a licensed psychotherapist in Brooklyn, New York, with over 13 years of therapy experience working with children, families, couples, and individuals. She received her Masters in Social Work from Hunter College in 2006, and specializes in working with the LGBTQIA community and with clients in recovery or considering recovery for drug and alcohol use.There are no right or wrong ways to come out. Some people prefer coming out to their friends and family all at once, while other people prefer coming out individually to each friend and member of their family. Choose whichever method you personally feel most comfortable with!
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QuestionHow do you build up the courage to come out?Lauren Urban is a licensed psychotherapist in Brooklyn, New York, with over 13 years of therapy experience working with children, families, couples, and individuals. She received her Masters in Social Work from Hunter College in 2006, and specializes in working with the LGBTQIA community and with clients in recovery or considering recovery for drug and alcohol use.Talk to someone who's supportive or someone you know who's already out of the closet. Rely on them for comfort and advice to help you feel more confident. Remember, you can do this on your own terms, so don't feel pressured to tell someone until you're ready.
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References
- ↑ https://www.thehopeline.com/51-falling-in-love-with-your-best-friend/
- ↑ Lauren Urban, LCSW. Licensed Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 3 September 2018.
- ↑ https://issuu.com/trevorproject/docs/coay_v07
- ↑ https://www.ditchthelabel.org/top-11-tips-for-coming-out-as-lesbian-gay-or-bi/
- ↑ Lauren Urban, LCSW. Licensed Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 3 September 2018.
- ↑ https://www.newnownext.com/do-i-tell-my-straight-friend-i-have-a-crush-on-him/05/2011/
- Now That You Know. Betty Fairchild & Robert Leighton. New York, NY. Harcourt Brace and Jovanovich, 1989.
- Beyond Acceptance. Carolyn Welch Griffin, Marina J. Wirth & Arthur G. Wirth. New York, NY. St. Martin’s Press, 1997.
- Outing Yourself: How to Come Out to Your Family, Friends and Co-Workers Michelangelo Signorile
- The Way Out: The Gay Man’s Guide to Freedom Chris Nutter
- Crisis: 40 Stories Revealing the Personal, Social, and Religious Pain and Trauma of Growing Up Gay in America Mitchell Gold and Mindy Drucker Greenleaf Book Group, LLC, 2008
- The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man’s World Alan Downs Da Capo Press, 2006
- Transgender 101: A Simple Guide to a Complex Issue Nicholas M. Teich Columbia University Press, 2012
- Trans Forming Families: Real Stories About Transgendered Loved Ones Jessica Xavier, Mary Boenke and Arlene Istar Lev Oak Knoll Press, 2003
- Transgender Explained For Those Who Are Not Joanne Herman
About This Article
Article Summary
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Telling a friend that you’re gay and you love them is something that you’ll want to do in stages so you don’t overwhelm your friend. First, come out to your friend. While there’s no perfect way to come out, make sure to tell them when there’s enough time for them to react or ask questions. If your friend has a negative reaction to your news, tell them “I’m sorry this upset you. This is who I am.” Then, give your friend some space. On the other hand, if your friend is happy for you, think about if and when you want to tell them you are in love with them. For example, if you know that your friend is straight, ask yourself if it’s worth risking your friendship by telling them. Otherwise, you can tell your friend by saying something like “I am in love with you. I know you might think this is weird, but I want to be honest about my feelings.” To learn how to come out to others in your friend group, keep reading!
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