Build a healthy platonic friendship with your former crush
While rejection may feel painful at first, it happens to everybody. Plus, just because a girl doesn't want a relationship doesn't mean you can't still be friends. In this article, we’ll offer you expert advice on overcoming those initial feelings of disappointment and slowly getting to a place where you two can truly become buddies, no strings attached. Keep reading to create a platonic friendship that can have a positive impact on your life and hers!
This article is based on an interview with our dating coach, John Keegan. Check out the full interview here.
Things You Should Know
- Start up some casual conversations a few weeks after your rejection to prove that things don’t have to be awkward between you two.
- Arrange a group hang-out with her friends and your friends first before you ask her to hang out platonically one-on-one.
- Only try to establish a platonic friendship with her once you’re sure you no longer have any romantic feelings. Allow yourself to grieve the rejection first.
Steps
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Accept her rejection politely. While it's never fun to be rejected, try to take it in stride. Remember that it’s her right to decide who she wants to date, and she doesn't deserve to be treated rudely because she rejected your advances. Accepting rejection gracefully will prove you’re a respectful person, which is key if you want to stay friends with this girl. [1] X Research source
- Try to keep your response positive. You might say “I understand. Good luck, anyways!” or “I respect that. Thank you for being up front with me.”
- It’s okay to be honest when replying to a rejection, as long as you remain courteous. You could say “Aw, that’s disappointing. I think we would’ve made a great match, but I see where you’re coming from.” or “Dang. I understand. Let me know if you change your mind.”
- Don't bring up the rejection again, at least for a while. She made her decision and reminding her of it can feel insulting or exhaustive.
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Allow yourself to be sad for a little while. Rejection is normal, and so are the negative feelings that come with it. After you’ve been rejected, you may undergo a sort of grieving process, and deal with emotions of disappointment, loneliness, or shame. Rather than trying to suppress these feelings, let your sadness out by journaling , telling your friends about it, or just having a good cry. Once you’ve let your emotions flow naturally, you can begin building your confidence. [2] X Expert Source Cameron Gibson, R.C.C.
Registered Clinical Counsellor & Program Director Expert Interview. 10 February 2021.- Everyone grieves at their own pace, so it's normal to feel sad for a while. Most people report feeling better after a rejection within 11 weeks, but it’s totally healthy to take longer. [3] X Research source
- Creating an emotional safe space is essential for expressing your feelings healthily. Talk to a therapist
regularly to establish a place you feel emotionally comfortable and help you discover ways rejection might trigger other insecurities like depression or fear of abandonment. [4]
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Expert Source
Cameron Gibson, R.C.C.
Registered Clinical Counsellor & Program Director Expert Interview. 10 February 2021.
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Remember that rejection isn’t a reflection of your value. Rejection has to do with your compatibility with one particular person, not your overall datability, worth, or appeal. [5] X Expert Source John Keegan
Dating Coach Expert Interview. 5 November 2019. As the saying goes, “you might be the prettiest peach, but there will always be somebody who doesn’t like peaches.”- It can help to say an affirming statement about yourself a few times a day shortly after your rejection to remind yourself of this. You might say “There are plenty of fish in the sea, and I’m a catch!” or “My happiness is not dependent on her approval. I have everything I need.”
- Try to put your rejection in perspective by considering the overall impact it might have on your life. Make a list of all the things you want to accomplish: career, education, marriage. Then, go through and see if this one rejection will affect any of them. Odds are, probably not.
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Get your mind off the rejection with self-care and other fulfilling hobbies. Don’t allow your brain to dwell on the rejection for too long. Invest that energy into practicing self-care (eating right, exercising, meditating ) and other activities you enjoy. [6] X Expert Source Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 15 April 2019. You might catch a new movie, go for a walk outside, or go to the mall with friends. Focus on things that make you happy that have nothing to do with her.- It especially helps to do activities you're good at. This will help rebuild your confidence. For example, if you're great at basketball, go play a pickup game at the park. Your good performance on the court will help help improve your mood and confidence level.
- It can also help to try an entirely new activity . For example, if you’ve never painted before, take an art class. This will help provide a feeling of a fresh start and a new you.
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Try to be her friend only after you've gotten over the rejection. Spend some time apart to truly rid yourself of feelings for her before striking up a platonic friendship. If you're still hurt, you won't be able to properly focus on being a friend. You may come off clingy/desparate or your resentment could cause you to lash out, which will only create a bigger rift between you two. [7] X Expert Source John Keegan
Dating Coach Expert Interview. 5 November 2019. Set some boundaries and give yourself plenty of time alone before bringing her back into your life.- Several experts recommend waiting 6 months to a year before trying to befriend someone you once had romantic feelings for. [8] X Research source
- In the meantime, get back out there on the dating scene! [9]
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Expert Source
Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 15 April 2019. Having a new crush can help show you the rejection wasn’t that serious to begin with. (Just avoid using new partners as rebounds to get over the girl.)
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Avoid starting a friendship with ulterior motives. Before trying to cultivate a friendship with this girl, examine your intentions. Do you really want to be friends with her, or are you just trying to get close in hopes this will become romantic again? Your friendship won’t be able to flourish if one of you is secretly crushing on the other, and if she finds out, it can damage her trust for you (which is an essential aspect of a healthy friendship). [10] X Expert Source John Keegan
Dating Coach Expert Interview. 5 November 2019.- Only pursue a friendship with her if you genuinely want one. It’s okay not to be friends with someone after they’ve rejected you altogether.
- In addition, ask yourself the following questions before establishing a friendship with her. If the answer is yes to any of the below, you may need more time:
- “Do I know exactly how long its been since I last thought of her romantically?”
- “If I hung out with her and her new partner, would I become jealous?”
- “Do I still fantasize about her?”
- “Do I still get shy, awkward, or flustered when talking to her?”
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Communicate with her casually to dispel any awkwardness. Soon after the rejection, she may feel strange seeing you or talking with you. Act warm and friendly to show her that you've moved on and you're okay. [11] X Expert Source John Keegan
Dating Coach Expert Interview. 5 November 2019. Talk about school, work, music, TV, and all the things you would chat with any other friend about. This will help her get more comfortable around you and view you more as a friend than a person she rejected.- It's normal to be nervous about talking to her for the first few times after the rejection. Try breaking the ice with a joke, a silly question, or a response to something that happened to both of you.
- For example, you might say “Long time no see! I’m going to karaoke tonight. Got any song recs?” or “What did you think of Brad’s presentation yesterday?”
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Find out what you two have in common. All friendships flourish better when you have mutual interests. [12] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source When talking to her, try to find out her hobbies and passions. Look for common ground so you have topics you can easily and organically bring up whenever you see her. This will also give you ideas on where to hang out.
- During one of your conversations you could casually bring up a band or something that was on TV the night before. Pay attention to her response and see if she is interested in it. If she doesn't like what you brought up, use that as an opportunity to ask what she prefers instead.
- Only take up one of her hobbies or interests if you legitimately like it. Doing something just because she likes it means that you're not being honest with her or yourself.
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Start by socializing with her in a group. Asking her to hang out individually right after your rejection may come on a little too strong. Instead, invite her to hang out with your friends, and tell her she can bring friends along too. Having other close pals by her side will make the environment more open and casual, which will make her more comfortable being around you.
- You could go to a movie, to a sporting game, or out to eat as one big group. Mini-golf and arcades also make for great group outings, because you have a fun activity to fall back on if the gang runs out of things to talk about.
- If your friends know about the rejection, make sure to tell them not to bring it up while she's around. An off-hand comment from one of your friends could make her uncomfortable. [13] X Research source
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Advance to hanging out with her one-on-one slowly. Wait until you’ve hung out in a group setting 5-10 times before you invite her to hang out just the two of you. Ask her to hang in public places at first to make her feel more comfortable. In addition, make sure she knows that you don't mean it as a date. Being clear about your intentions is essential when dealing with rejection. [14] X Expert Source Crista Beck
Dating Coach & Matchmaker Expert Interview. 26 August 2021.- It may take a while for her to feel comfortable seeing you alone, but remember that you can still be friends, even if you don't see her one-on-one.
- It may help to have a few friendly text conversations just the two of you before you ask to hang out individually face-to-face.
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Avoid contacting her too much. Let your friendship blossom organically and avoid badgering her with too many calls or texts. Treat her the same way you would treat your other friends. Would you hit them up them 3 times a day? Probably not. Pay attention to her responses to see how much is too much. If she's giving you one-word answers, taking a long time to respond, and you're doing most of the talking, these are indications you may want to scale back.
- If she comes out and tells you you're contacting her too much, take this seriously and cut back.
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Keep conversations platonic when talking to her. Avoid bringing up certain topics around her, especially at the beginning of her friendship. Steer clear of talking about her love life, her relationship if she's in one, the fact that she rejected you, or any romantic subjects. Keep your conversations on safe topics so she doesn’t feel like you may have ulterior motives. [15] X Research source
- You can totally talk about these things if she brings them up first, but let her be the one to initiate those conversations. Until then, don't push those boundaries.
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Respect her relationship if she's in one. Celebrating and honoring your friends’ new loves is an important aspect of being there for them. If she’s in a relationship with somebody else, respect her and her new partner’s boundaries. Keep comments about the relationship positive and avoid comparing yourself to them. If you’re not ready to see her with someone new, you may not be ready for a platonic friendship yet. [16] X Research source
- Sometimes, people talk to their friends less often when they're in a relationship. If she withdraws, you can express your disappointment, but be respectful of her choice.
- In addition, try to keep your comments more about re-establishing your friendship and less about how her new partner is getting in the way. You might say “I miss hanging out like we used to. When are you free?” or “I’d love to see you and your new partner for dinner this Friday!”
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Only make advances after she’s clearly expressed a romantic interest. On rare occasions, it’s possible that, after being your friend for a while, she may start liking you romantically. If this happens and you're still interested, great. But don't make anymore advances until she clearly expresses that she’d like to date you. You don’t want to ruin the friendship you've been working so hard to cultivate.
- If she takes romantic interest in you, don’t feel obligated to reciprocate just because you used to like her, either. Building a friendship with someone who rejected you requires mentally turning off that switch of attraction. [17]
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Expert Source
John Keegan
Dating Coach Expert Interview. 5 November 2019. You don’t have to turn it back on if you don’t want to.
- If she takes romantic interest in you, don’t feel obligated to reciprocate just because you used to like her, either. Building a friendship with someone who rejected you requires mentally turning off that switch of attraction. [17]
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Expert Source
John Keegan
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Community Q&A
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QuestionHow can I be friends with a girl who rejected me if she is ignoring me?Community AnswerShe might just be feeling a little awkward about having rejected you. Give her a little time and then approach her again. When you do talk to her, make sure she knows that you still want to be friends.
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QuestionHow can I overcome shyness and fear so I can talk to her?Community Answer
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QuestionWhat do I do if I took someone out once, but then they rejected me and blocked me on social media?Community AnswerTry your best to get over it and move on. They may have been wrong to block you, but it's their choice to do so and you have to respect their decision and let them go.
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References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-nourishment/202012/navigating-the-pathway-romantic-rejection
- ↑ Cameron Gibson, R.C.C.. Registered Clinical Counsellor & Program Director. Expert Interview. 10 February 2021.
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/recovery-from-rejection-and-breakups
- ↑ Cameron Gibson, R.C.C.. Registered Clinical Counsellor & Program Director. Expert Interview. 10 February 2021.
- ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 5 November 2019.
- ↑ Sarah Schewitz, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 April 2019.
- ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 5 November 2019.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/valley-girl-brain/201904/should-you-be-friends-your-ex
- ↑ Sarah Schewitz, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 April 2019.
- ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 5 November 2019.
- ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 5 November 2019.
- ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/podcasts/item/why_we_need_friends_with_shared_interests_temple_grandin_autism_advocacy
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/articles/200605/can-i-be-friends-my-exs-pals
- ↑ Crista Beck. Dating Coach & Matchmaker. Expert Interview. 26 August 2021.
- ↑ https://www.npr.org/2022/09/01/1120550646/how-to-show-your-friends-you-love-them-according-to-a-friendship-expert
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/all-grown/201911/how-be-just-friends-after-break-part-1
- ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 5 November 2019.
About This Article
Article Summary
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Before you try to be friends with the girl that rejected you, give yourself some time to feel sad. The grieving process is different for everyone, but you might need to cry, talk to a friend or family member, or express yourself through art or writing. Once you start to get over the rejection, strike up a conversation with the girl, talking to her about school, TV, music, or whatever you normally talk about. You could also try spending time with her as part of a group so it will feel less awkward. Over time, being her friend should get easier. Keep reading to learn how to make sure you don’t have ulterior motives in the friendship!
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Reader Success Stories
- "I have just been rejected nicely by a girl in my college with whom I was madly in love. She is still talking to me sometimes, and I am interested in maintaining a cordial and friendly relationship with her. This article provided the perfect guide to do so. Thank you." ..." more
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"I have just been rejected nicely by a girl in my college with whom I was madly in love. She is still talking to me sometimes, and I am interested in maintaining a cordial and friendly relationship with her. This article provided the perfect guide to do so. Thank you."
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"I too was in a similar situation with a girl who rejected me. Even though she rejected me, she boosted my self esteem about my image, she is now my best friend."
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"I'm finding myself in a very similar situation, and it feels like this is helping me, at least a bit."
"It gave me confidence to ask another girl out again. Not limiting myself to my previous refusal."
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