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Winning a girl back is much harder than catching the eye of a new girl, but if you really want to reignite an old flame, there are a few things you can do to maximize your chances and get her to like you again . To get her back, you have to make her want you, show how much you've changed, and then make the move.
Steps
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Give her some space . [1] X Expert Source Courtney Quinlan
Matchmaker & Dating Coach Expert Interview. 27 August 2021. The first thing you need to do is give the girl some space. If you start knocking down her door and calling her every five minutes she'll only pull further away from you. The amount of space and time you give her depends on what happened when you tried to date her. [2] X Expert Source Courtney Quinlan
Matchmaker & Dating Coach Expert Interview. 27 August 2021. If you ended a serious relationship, you'll need to give her more space than you would if you had just dated a few times. [3] X Research source- Don't call her, chat with her at parties, or email her just to see how she's doing.
- If you see her socially, be polite and say hi, but make it clear that you're not going to bother her.
- Just don't give her too much space. If you leave her alone for a few months, that will give her plenty of time to find someone new.
- Reader Poll: We asked 1204 wikiHow readers how they’d handle a partner pulling away, and 52% agreed that they’d give them space to come to a decision on their own . [Take Poll]
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Give yourself some time to reflect. Not only should you give her some space, but you should give yourself some space to reflect and think about what went wrong in the relationship. Take the time to sit down and ask what you did to make her not want you; were you too attentive, too moody, or too distant? Whatever you did, you have to make sure never to do it again if you want a moment of her day.
- Write down the things that went wrong. Consider what you can do to improve this kind of behavior.
- Don't date anyone else during the reflection period. Focus on self-improvement and working on not repeating the same mistakes.
- Don't pursue her until you've figured out what went wrong and know how to change it.
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Stay busy. Though you should avoid getting busy in the bedroom while you're trying to win your girl back, you should try to live a busy and active life so you can work on being independent and pursuing your interests. If you're just sitting around waiting for enough time to pass to start trying to hang out with her again, she'll know.
- Continue pursuing your hobbies and interests. Don't stop doing all of the things you love because your heart is aching.
- Spend time with your friends. They'll cheer you up and lend you a fresh perspective.
- Work out . Your self-esteem will improve if you exercise a few times a week, and all the better if she sees you out running.
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Let her see you having a great time. Once you've given her some space and have worked on self-improvement, she'll be much closer to wanting you. But now you have to put all the pieces together and let her see what an amazing guy you are and how much fun it is to be around you. Be strategic. Without looking like a stalker, make sure you're hanging out in some of the same places so she can see what a blast it is to be around you.
- Laugh it up. If she sees you, try to laugh with your friends as much as you can without being too obvious about it.
- Be animated. If she's around, be very animated and interested in the conversations you're having, showing that you're a passionate guy who loves to talk to his friends.
- Don't ignore her when she sees you. Give her a small wave and go back to the great conversation you were having.
- Dance . That's right. Chances are she was mad that you didn't dance with her more. Let her see you getting down on the dance floor and having a great time.
- Let her see you being your best self. There was obviously something she liked about you, so use your assets to your advantage.
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Make her jealous (optional). This is an optional move because it depends on the situation. If your relationship ended because she was so jealous that you were always hanging around with other girls, then you shouldn't make her jealous or she'll just be reminded of the reason why things didn't work out between you. But if your relationship ended because she thought you were just too into her, or that she was bored by you, then making her jealous is a great move. Here's how to do it: [4] X Research source
- If you're on speaking terms, casually mention other girls. You can mention one girl a few times, leading her to wonder, "Who is this girl?" Or you can just talk about a group of girls, mentioning that you were at a party that was filled with mostly girls but that you were "okay with that."
- Let her see you with other girls. Chat with her for a few minutes before moving on to flirt with another girl that's nearby. Make sure you're close enough for her to watch it happen.
- Don't overdo it. If she hears you talking about other girls and sees you flirting with others, she may want you even more, but if you're all over every girl at every party, you may look desperate or sleazy.
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If it was too easy the first time, make her chase you . If you can't think of what went wrong in the relationship because you smothered her with love, then chances are that this was exactly what went wrong. She must have felt that your love and relationship was too easy, so you should try to make it more of a challenge. [5] X Research source
- Be aloof . You should still give her some attention, but act busy or distracted and like you're not giving all your attention to her for once. This will confuse her and will make her want you more.
- Be sparing with the compliments. If you did nothing but compliment her 24/7 when you were together, give her just one compliment to show that you're not obsessing over her.
- Let her come to you. She was probably used to having you come up to her, touch her, and talk to her all the time; now, it's time for some role reversal. If you're at a party, let her approach you instead of stopping everything you're doing to head her way.
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If it was too hard the first time, make it easier. If you broke up because she felt that you didn't give her enough affection or time or that you spent too much time flirting with other women, it's time to do the exact opposite and to make yourself available to her and have no other women on your radar. [6] X Research source
- Show her that your schedule is free and that you're up for hanging out whenever. She'll no longer have to hang out with you during the one hour you're free.
- Don't make her jealous. In your case, you should stay away from the other ladies as much as possible to show that you only have eyes for her.
- Take the time to listen. If she thought you didn't care about her feelings before, maintain eye contact and let her talk without interrupting. You can mention something she said in the conversation a day later to show that you really do hang on to her every word.
- Compliment her . If you never complimented her before, she'll see that you changed.
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If you hurt her, apologize . If you really want her back, you have to be the man and apologize for what went wrong. If she was hurt by you, she'll want to stay away from you for fear of getting hurt again. So man up and tell her you made a mistake. [7] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Medical School Harvard Medical School's Educational Site for the Public Go to source
- Make sure to do this in person. It won't do if you just send her a text message or an e-mail; it has to be in person otherwise she will see that you are not very serious about this apology and so she won't take it seriously either. So own up and go apologise for what you did to her.
- Be sincere. Maintain eye contact when you talk to her and keep a calm, even tone. She won't believe you if it sounds like you're apologizing just because it's what you should do. [8] X Research source
- Be specific. Don't just say, "I'm sorry for everything." Say, "I'm sorry I didn't listen to you when you really wanted to talk. I should have been much more attentive." She will appreciate this, and it will make you seem more self-aware.
- Don't be disappointed if she doesn't accept your apology right away. If she doesn't accept it, she's probably still working through what happened but still appreciates your effort. Just say, "You can't blame me for trying" instead of arguing her into accepting your apology.
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Show what a better, more mature person you've become. She should be able to see how much you've changed without you having to say it yourself or to convince her that you're completely different. Face it -- many girls are more mature than their male counterparts, so wow her with your ability to be rational and mature. [9] X Research source
- Don't be moody. Act even-keeled and calm, and she'll be impressed.
- Be confident. Show her that you're happy who you are and what you do, and she'll be happier with who you are too.
- Be responsible. Show her that you can manage your finances, hold down a good job, and take care of your dog at the same time.
- Don't be jealous. Don't ask her about that guy she's been talking to; this will only encourage her to talk to him more, and will make you look insecure for caring.
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Tell her how you feel. Once she wants you a bit more and can see that you're a different person, it's time to stop playing games and to tell her how you really feel. How else can you get the ball rolling? If it ended badly, she's not going to ask you to pick things up again, so you need to get your act together and open up. [10] X Research source
- Tell her at the right place and time. Pick a time when she's not too busy and you can be alone, ideally at night or in a semi-secluded location.
- Maintain eye contact when you tell her. No looking around, no checking your phone.
- No more Mr. Tough Guy. It's time to be open and honest and to share your true feelings.
- First, acknowledge what went wrong, and apologize for it again if you haven't already. Then, tell her how much you've changed and how much you'd love to give it another try.
- Say, "I can't believe what an idiot I've been. You were the best thing that ever happened to me and I really screwed it up. Let me make it up to you."
- Don't sound like you're begging and pleading; instead, make it sound like barely a question at all. Let her know that you're going to try again, and hopefully you'll get the answer you were looking for.
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Take her out . If she agrees to go out with you, you better do it right this time. You're lucky enough to be getting a second chance, and third chances are hard to come by. Make the most of your time together and make sure to treat her right. Here's what to do: [11] X Research source
- Turn up the romance factor. Bring her flowers and take her to a romantic restaurant. Now, you shouldn't overdo it to the point that she feels uncomfortable. Just add a little bit of the romance that was probably missing before. [12] X Research source
- Compliment her. Let her know she looks nice when you pick her up, and compliment her throughout the date.
- Let her know how much you've missed her. Find one or two moments during the date when you tell her how glad you are to have her in your life. [13] X Research source
- In the end, be yourself. You can become a better listener , a more attentive person, or just learn to understand her needs, but in the end, you're still you, and you should make sure she likes who you really are. Don't try so hard to show that you've changed that there's nothing left of the old you. [14] X Research source
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Keep the girl this time. If the date went well, and if there are more dates to follow, you need to make sure the relationship doesn't end for the same reason if you really want to stay with this girl. If she's a keeper, you must remind yourself that you have to continue making her feel special. [15] X Research source
- Remind yourself what happened the last time, and vow not to do it again.
- Look at it as starting fresh. You don't have to rehash the old relationship, but work on building something completely new and much better.
- Relax. Just enjoy being with the girl instead of worrying about not screwing up again all the time.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionHow do I get her back after I hurt her?Courtney Quinlan is a Matchmaker and Dating Coach and the Owner of Midwest Matchmaking. With over 15 years of experience, she specializes in finding individuals a compatible partner, providing guidance throughout the dating process, and crafting events for singles in the Midwest. Courtney holds a BS in Broadcast Journalism from The University of Nebraska at Omaha.Actions speak louder than words. Give her all the space she needs and let her come back on her own.
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QuestionHow do I talk to a girl and win her love?Courtney Quinlan is a Matchmaker and Dating Coach and the Owner of Midwest Matchmaking. With over 15 years of experience, she specializes in finding individuals a compatible partner, providing guidance throughout the dating process, and crafting events for singles in the Midwest. Courtney holds a BS in Broadcast Journalism from The University of Nebraska at Omaha.Focus on her love language, her personality, and what's most important to her. Ultimately, there isn't a one-size-fits-all approach to this—some women will want you to bow down and do whatever they want, while others will want plenty of space.
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QuestionHow do you know when it's over?Community AnswerIf your ex won't respond to your attempts at communication, or responds angrily or negatively, don't keep trying. Focus on your own life for a while. Either your ex will change their mind and try to contact you, or they'll move on and it's time for you to do the same.
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Tips
- Make sure you are calm when you tell her. Stuttering will make her think you're not confident, which isn't the right way to start.Thanks
- If you ask your girl back out while around friends, she might think you are brave and say yes. But, be careful as this path could turn left instead of right, and she could get embarrassed.Thanks
Tips from our Readers
The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of wikiHow readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on wikiHow, please submit it in the field below.
- I've found it's best to first apologize over text or email, then also do it in person. Ask to meet for lunch to show you're serious. Sincerely saying sorry is the most important thing.
- The key is sincerely apologizing and reassuring her you still care. Grand gestures usually aren't necessary. Just listen to what she needs.
- Have fun with her and show interest in what she likes. Start conversations to reconnect. Just don't pressure her into anything physical.
- Give a girl space, but also check in and keep communicating. Say only kind things and show you still care, but don't smother her.
- If she says she's not mad but seems upset, apologize anyway. She wants you to be sensitive to her feelings.
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Warnings
- She might not like the date. Some girls think that once they dump you, it's over and done with. If the girl tells you that she doesn't want to get back with you, just accept it. Maybe she needs time.Thanks
- Be careful what you say and do. If the girl sees you acting childishly or rudely, she'll get a clear message that she was right about not being with you. Show her that you're mature and polite. She'll probably get second thoughts and contact you.Thanks
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References
- ↑ Courtney Quinlan. Matchmaker & Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 27 August 2021.
- ↑ Courtney Quinlan. Matchmaker & Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 27 August 2021.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/valley-girl-brain/201404/does-your-relationship-need-break
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/loves-evolver/201111/inducing-jealousy-get-your-mates-attention
- ↑ https://www.scienceofpeople.com/how-to-make-a-conversation-with-a-girl/
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-express-emotions-in-relationships
- ↑ https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/the-art-of-a-heartfelt-apology-2021041322366
- ↑ https://www.scienceofpeople.com/making-eye-contact/
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/how-to-maintain-love-in-healthy-relationships
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/magnetic-partners/201202/winning-your-lover-back-after-breakup-most-difficult-ch
- ↑ https://www.scienceofpeople.com/how-to-ask-someone-out/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/magnetic-partners/201202/winning-your-lover-back-after-breakup
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/what-is-love-sick
- ↑ https://positivepsychology.com/active-listening/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-forward/201609/how-rebuild-trust-someone-who-hurt-you
About This Article
Article Summary
X
Before you can win a girl back, give her some space to let her recover from the breakup. While you distance yourself, try to stay busy so you can work on being independent and pursuing your own interests. When she sees you having a great time on your own, it’s likely that she’ll realize what she’s missing out on. Once you’ve piqued her interest, try talking to her one on one to explain how you feel. Make sure to apologize if you ended things on a bad note, and tell her how lucky you were to have her. If she doesn’t want to get back together, don’t worry too much. It may feel hard at first, but eventually you’ll find the right person! To learn how to start dating again, read on!
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Reader Success Stories
- "I have been seeing a lovely lady for a few months. We have had our ups and downs, but unfortunately things have got a bit too hairy and we have decided to take some time apart. Having had the time apart, she has messaged me on the odd occasion, which was nice, and the trust began to creep back into her life. We have taken some very small steps towards rekindling our love; however, this has been hard. Thanks to this article, it has really put things into perspective. Thank you." ..." more
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"I have been seeing a lovely lady for a few months. We have had our ups and downs, but unfortunately things have got a bit too hairy and we have decided to take some time apart. Having had the time apart, she has messaged me on the odd occasion, which was nice, and the trust began to creep back into her life. We have taken some very small steps towards rekindling our love; however, this has been hard. Thanks to this article, it has really put things into perspective. Thank you."
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"Good article, covers the basics. It's a very difficult process, especially if the girl is negative. Can take a long time I guess, and the key to that will be patience. Don't try and force a date upon her. When she's ready she will accept. If forced then the next date will be harder to come by."
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"It really does depend on the situation, but if the girl does love you, there's only a certain amount she will take before she will break up. If you follow these steps, you will have a better chance and self confidence will rise."
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""Not only should you give her some space, but you should give yourself some space to reflect and think about what went wrong in the relationship," this quote is what really impacted me in this article, thank you!"
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"Much of is relevant to the youth, accurate measures. What stood out for me was, "keep the girl this time", I was foolhardy to let her go. We live by the choices we make, so my next few will be really smart."
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