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Breaking up with someone you love is never easy, but that doesn't mean there aren't things you can do to make it easier on both of you. The key is to be honest while also keeping the other person's feelings in mind.
Steps
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Be sure that you really want to permanently end the relationship. Never break up with somebody unless you are okay with the possibility that you may never get back together. [1] X Research source Even if you do change your mind after the breakup and agree to get back together, you will have created lasting damage to the relationship that may be irreparable.
- If you really still love this person and want to make the relationship work but don't know how, consider couples therapy. A therapist can teach you skills that will help you have a healthier relationship. [2]
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Expert Source
Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 15 April 2019.
- If you really still love this person and want to make the relationship work but don't know how, consider couples therapy. A therapist can teach you skills that will help you have a healthier relationship. [2]
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Expert Source
Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
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Prepare for the possibility that this person might be too hurt to stay friends, at least initially. Breaking up can be very emotional for everyone involved. Do not expect to be fast friends immediately after the breakup.Advertisement
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Avoid breaking up for the wrong reasons. You must decide whether your relationship is worth ending. [3] X Research source You have to think about the future for not only yourself, but also your partner.
- Never avoid breaking up with somebody because you are afraid of being single. The only way you can find the right person for you is to get out there and be on your own.
- Never avoid breaking up with somebody because you are afraid of hurting their feelings. Breaking up may seem cruel, but continuing to be with somebody you are not in love with anymore is even worse. [4] X Research source
- Don't suggest a "break." Breaks are usually just a segue into a full-on breakup; if you feel that you need a break from the person you're with, then chances are that you actually want to break up but are too afraid of being alone. Rather than asking for a break, wait until you're ready to fully end the relationship and then do it.
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Make the necessary arrangements. If you live together, then decide on who will move out and who will stay (of course, you may want to leave this open to discussion). If you expect your partner to move out, you will need to allow ample time for them to find other living arrangements, and should find somewhere else to stay during that time.
- Ask your parents or close friends whether you can stay with them for a few days, or rent a room at a hotel for a couple of nights.
- If you don't live together but see each other daily at either work or school, then you will need to consider whether it's worth re-adjusting your schedule/circumstances. If you think that seeing each other on a regular basis is going to make moving on difficult, then consider changing jobs or rearranging your class schedule to avoid having to constantly interact with this person.
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Choose the right time. There's never going to be a perfect time to break up with the person you love, but there are definitely certain situations that you should avoid. Among them are the following:
- When your partner is dealing with a personal crisis like a death in the family, diagnosis of an illness, or loss of a job. If they are in the middle of a crisis, allow some time to pass before you break up to avoid adding on extra pain.
- In the middle of a fight. Never end a relationship in the heat of the moment; you may end up saying things that you don't really mean, and come to regret your decision once the argument is over.
- In front of other people. If you choose to break up with them in public, be sure to at least find a quiet table or corner to have the conversation. Remember that one or both of you may become very emotional and need some privacy.
- Over text, e-mail, or the telephone. If you really love this person, then you owe it to them to have the discussion face-to-face.
- The only exception to this rule is if you are in a long-distance relationship and seeing each other in person is impractical. Even then, try to do it over Skype or the telephone rather than the more impersonal venues of text or email.
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Prepare your partner for the conversation. In other words, don't surprise this person with the news by blurting it out in the middle of a conversation or while they are busy doing something else.
- Pull your partner aside and say "I want to talk to you about something," or "I think that we should talk."
- You may want to send an e-mail or text message to your partner asking to talk prior to getting together. This will give them ample time to emotionally prepare for a serious conversation. You do not want to break up with the person through text, but let them know a serious conversation will happen in the near future.
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Use “I” statements. These statements more effectively deflect feelings of judgement, and concisely get your point across. For example, you may say something like:
- "I really feel like kids are not part of my plan." This might be a better way of saying: "You want kids and I don’t."
- "I think I need to spend more time on my own right now." This might be a better way of saying: "You want to spend too much time together."
- "I need to think about my future." This might be a better way of saying "We are not going anywhere."
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Be honest, but not unnecessarily harsh. Everybody deserves to be told the truth, but at the same time, there are certain things that will only hurt your partner's feelings without serving any constructive purpose.
- If there is something explicitly wrong with the relationship, like having incompatible interests, then you should tell your partner that. [5] X Research source Being honest and eliminating some of the mystery may help the person move on more quickly rather than constantly wondering why you ended the relationship and what they could have done differently. This might be something like: "I know you are really into going out all the time, but I just don't enjoy it. I don't think we'll continue to be happy with this incompatibility."
- Find a nice way to phrase your criticisms. If you love the person, then you should make an effort to protect their self-esteem. For example, instead of saying "I don't find you attractive anymore," say something like "I no longer feel that there's any chemistry between us."
- Try to stay away from any insults or comments that go "below the belt" and would unnecessarily hurt your partner's feelings.
- Reassure your partner that you still love and genuinely care for them. This will help ease some of the feelings associated with being rejected. You might say something like: “I think you’re a really great person. You’re very smart and have a lot of ambitions. I just think my ambitions are different.”
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Suggest staying friends. If you genuinely want to stay friends with this person, then you should express the sentiment at the end of the breakup. Again, be prepared for the possibility that they will be too hurt to stay friends with you, at least initially. Respect your partner's needs and give them space if needed.
- Don't continue to call or text your ex on a regular basis once the breakup is over. This will send mixed signals and make moving on impossible. Even if you have decided to stay friends, you should take some time apart just after the breakup during which you don't see or speak to each other.
- After some time has passed after the breakup and the feelings are not quite as raw, consider opening up to your ex. This might be a group outing (it might be best to avoid a one-on-one outing to avoid sending mixed signals.) You might want to try and say something like: “Hey, some friends and I are going to watch that new movie. Do you want to come?”
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Avoid talking to your ex, at least initially. Though it may seem impossible to totally cut off contact with somebody you love, staying in contact constantly will actually make things a great deal more painful. If you feel tempted, block your partner’s number from your phone. Block their username from social media sites. This will help with the temptation. [6] X Research source
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Do not feel guilty for feeling bad. Even if you were the one to initiate the breakup, you may still feel hurt or loss. These are normal feelings and should be acknowledged to help heal.
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Take some time for yourself. Love can be complicated. After a breakup with someone that you loved, you may feel a loss. This might be an indication that you should take some time to get to know yourself and to readjust to being single before jumping into a new relationship.
- Look at this as a learning opportunity and a chance to grow as a person. Reflect on your relationship and think about what role you played in it not working out. You don't need to blame yourself or feel guilty, but it can be helpful to take an honest look at what happened so you can learn from it. [7]
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Expert Source
Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 15 April 2019.
- Look at this as a learning opportunity and a chance to grow as a person. Reflect on your relationship and think about what role you played in it not working out. You don't need to blame yourself or feel guilty, but it can be helpful to take an honest look at what happened so you can learn from it. [7]
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Expert Source
Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
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Rely on friends and family. Do not be afraid to seek out emotional support from those in your life. This might include your close friends and family. Chances are, they will empathize with what you are going through and will offer support or advice.
- Reader Poll: We asked 632 wikiHow readers who've left a romantic partner, and 59% of them agreed that the most challenging part is dealing with emotional pain and heartbreak . [Take Poll] A solid support system of family and friends can help you navigate these feelings.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionHow much time should I give myself to get over my ex?Sarah Schewitz, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist by the California Board of Psychology with over 10 years of experience. She received her Psy.D. from the Florida Institute of Technology in 2011. She is the founder of Couples Learn, an online psychology practice helping couples and individuals improve and change their patterns in love and relationships.It's really just personal. If you’re not over it, you may not be figuring out the lessons and the blessings that came from it. Everyone in our lives is here for a reason. They're either a blessing or a lesson, and breakups usually offer both. If you’re not over it, you probably haven’t done the work. You haven’t figured out why this happened for you.
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QuestionHow do I cope with a breakup?Sarah Schewitz, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist by the California Board of Psychology with over 10 years of experience. She received her Psy.D. from the Florida Institute of Technology in 2011. She is the founder of Couples Learn, an online psychology practice helping couples and individuals improve and change their patterns in love and relationships.One thing that is important is to feel all of your feelings. We really try to rush through that process of grieving, but there is a true grieving process that happens in a breakup just like if you lost somebody to death. When a loved one dies, you go through those five stages of grief; and when you go through a breakup, you also go through those five stages of grief. So let yourself feel it. Don’t cover it up with drugs or alcohol, or overeating or avoiding or just getting into another relationship. You really need to process it and heal.
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QuestionHow can I focus on myself more after a breakup?Sarah Schewitz, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist by the California Board of Psychology with over 10 years of experience. She received her Psy.D. from the Florida Institute of Technology in 2011. She is the founder of Couples Learn, an online psychology practice helping couples and individuals improve and change their patterns in love and relationships.Go to therapy. Read personal growth books. One great book is Expectation Hangover by Christine Hassler. She walks you through a lot of different exercises about what to do when something that you expected would make you happy or something that you expected would happen doesn't go your way.
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References
- ↑ https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0265407584011004
- ↑ Sarah Schewitz, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 April 2019.
- ↑ http://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2015/01/13/376804930/breaking-up-is-hard-to-do-but-science-can-help
- ↑ http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1540-4560.1976.tb02485.x/abstract
- ↑ http://www.loveisrespect.org/dating-basics/should-we-break-up/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201012/the-thoroughly-modern-guide-breakups?collection=65090
- ↑ Sarah Schewitz, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 April 2019.
About This Article
Article Summary
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If you need to break up with someone even though you love them, remind yourself that your feelings are valid and you're not a bad person for needing or wanting to break up. Though you will probably feel sad during the breakup, you don't need to feel guilty about your decision. Remember that you're making the best choice for yourself, even if it's hard. To help yourself get through the breakup, turn to your friends and family for emotional support. While it isn't always easy, try to take the time after your breakup to get to know yourself better and rediscover what it's like to be on your own. For more tips from our co-author, including how to break up with someone you love gently, keep reading.
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Reader Success Stories
- "I'm breaking up with my boyfriend of almost two months because of our different ideals, his reactions in situations, and my changing affections for him, which have grown less and less each day. I thank this article because it gave great pointers on how to gently be honest. It also was very good in understanding the emotions of either side of the breakup, more so with the person doing the breaking. " ..." more
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"I'm breaking up with my boyfriend of almost two months because of our different ideals, his reactions in situations, and my changing affections for him, which have grown less and less each day. I thank this article because it gave great pointers on how to gently be honest. It also was very good in understanding the emotions of either side of the breakup, more so with the person doing the breaking. "
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"Yes, it definitely helped! I know it's time to move own for more reasons than one. I'm the one who's in love and it's never going to work. His house just burnt down, so I'll have to wait a bit. I know he cares, but not as much as I do. I'm older than him and I know the signs. Thank you!"
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"This is some really good advice. If only I knew it sooner, I wouldn't be forced to stay with my boyfriend. Now I'm back to me and me only. Trust me, it's better to let them go than to hold on if they don't love you anymore. I know it's a little harsh, but trust me its so true."
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"I talked it over with my boyfriend, and he said he understood the situation. He has been spending more and more time with me instead of his friends. We never broke up, which I'm happy for because I love him."
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"I still love her and want the best for her, but this helps me cope with the feelings I've had. I needed a reality check and I needed to know that I'm not a complete bastard if I break up with her."
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