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Getting over them when it's not meant to be
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Are you finding it hard to go an hour -- or even a minute -- without thinking of your crush? If you know that things aren't working out with your crush, then thinking about them constantly is only going to bring you more pain and heartache. The good news is that if you put your mind to it, you can spend more time doing the things you love, being with the people you care about, and loving your life again. It can take time, but with enough determination, you'll be forgetting what your crush looked like in no time at all.
Things You Should Know
- Get your emotions out! Write down all the reasons you're sad or bitter to identify your feelings, then tear up that paper to start moving forward.
- Remind yourself of your crush's negative qualities to make them seem less appealing, and focus on your own positive qualities to remind yourself that you're worthy.
- Stop talking to your crush, and avoid them in person, if possible. Then, to get them out of your head, talk about something other than them, like your hobbies.
Steps
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Let your emotions out. If you want to forget your crush, then the first thing you have to do is to admit that you have strong feelings for this person. If you’re in denial about how much your crush means to you, then you’ll just keep all of those intense feelings inside instead of letting them go. Take the time to cry, to talk to a close friend about it, to admit how much you’ve been hurt, and to acknowledge your feelings. [1] X Research source
- Write down what you’re feeling, if that helps. If you don’t want to open up to a friend, opening up to a journal can make you feel better, too.
- If you’re going to be upset for a little while because things didn’t work out with your crush, that’s okay. Let your friends know that you’re going to lie low for a little while and don’t force yourself to be super social if you’re just not feeling it.
- That being said, after a few weeks or so, it’s time to stop wallowing and to start having some form of social interaction. If you spent too much time being alone with your feelings, you may only feel worse.
- In general, people who suppress their feelings take longer to recover from a loss. [2]
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Expert Source
Amy Chan
Relationship Coach Expert Interview. 1 May 2019.
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Forget your anger and bitterness. You may have many reasons for feeling angry or bitter. Maybe your crush really hurt you. Maybe you were so sure things would work out and they didn’t. Maybe your crush ended up dating one of your friends and you’re feeling mad at both of them. These feelings will naturally accompany the situation you’re in, but that doesn’t mean that they are healthy or that they can help you move on. [3] X Research source
- Write down all of the reasons why you’re feeling angry and bitter. Acknowledging your pain is crucial to forgetting it. Once you’ve figured out where all of your negative feelings are coming from, you can begin to tackle them, one by one.
- If you come in contact with your crush, don’t let them see how angry or bitter you may be feeling. The best thing you can do is act completely indifferent, like you couldn't care less about what your crush is up to. If you keep faking indifference, you’ll be surprised by how quickly you’ll really start to feel it.
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Focus on your crush’s worst qualities. Stop thinking about how good-looking, funny, or sweet your crush is whenever they pop in your mind. Instead, focus on all of the bad parts about your crush, from their weird fashion sense or their ability to be mean to perfect strangers. Make a list of all of these qualities if it helps. When your crush comes to mind, conjure up all of these negative thoughts instead of the positive ones. This will help you remember that your crush isn’t really such a great person, after all. [4] X Research source
- If you think that your crush is perfect and that you really can’t think of one bad thing about them, then guess what? You don’t really know that person all that well. There is no such thing as a perfect person and everyone has flaws.
- The more you think about all of the bad aspects of your crush, the sooner you’ll see that you two aren’t right for each other after all.
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Know that you deserve better. You may think that you and your crush would be the world’s most perfect couple, but that’s just not the case. If you really belonged together, then it would happen, wouldn’t it? For whatever reason, it didn’t work out between you and your crush, and it’s likely that it’s because you’re simply just too good for them. Your crush is not your soul mate, and once you realize that, you’ll be able to find someone who you do deserve.
- Sure, you may have heard all of your friends telling you that you deserve better than your crush over and over again, but this won’t sink in until you realize it for yourself.
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Remember how amazing you are. If you’re feeling down in the dumps about things not working out with your crush, then it’s likely that you need to pump yourself up. You probably are feeling down on yourself, and like you’re unworthy in some way because you’re not dating your crush, but that’s the farthest thing from the truth. Remember your most amazing qualities, focus on all of the great friends and opportunities in your life, and remember your favorite personality traits. Keep telling yourself that you are an amazing person who only deserves the best – and “the best” simply does not refer to your crush!
- Staying positive is key here. If you focus on all of the good things in your life and in your character instead of the things you don’t have, then you’ll be able to move on much faster than you would if you only saw the worst in every situation.
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Stop talking to your crush. It may sound obvious that you should stop talking to your crush if you want to forget them, but chances are that you may still be talking to your crush even if you know it’s not good for you. You don’t have to be downright rude, but you should make a point of avoiding your crush and not talking to them as much as you can. Stop texting, calling, or just stopping and saying hi to your crush. The sooner you stop seeing your crush and hearing their voice, the sooner you’ll be able to really get your crush out of your life. [5] X Research source
- If you have to be in the same place as your crush, like a class, for example, then you should be nice and polite without making an effort. There’s no need to be mean and it won’t make you feel better.
- You could delete any old texts from them, and even block their number from your phone. [6]
X
Expert Source
Amy Chan
Relationship Coach Expert Interview. 1 May 2019.
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Stop talking about your crush, too. Though talking to a close friend about forgetting your crush can help you move on, if you talk about your crush to every single person you come across or every mutual friend you have, then you won’t be feeling better any time soon. You don’t have to be denial about your feelings, but if you keep mentioning your crush, you’ll only be opening up old wounds and reminding yourself of the very thing that hurt you.
- If you do have mutual friends, avoid asking about how your crush is doing. How will that make you feel better?
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Avoid your crush on social media. If you’re only going on Facebook, Instagram, or any other social networking sites to stalk your crush and to see if they've been dating anyone else or hanging out with that cute person in your chem class, then you should take a social media break. If you really do love Facebook, then avoid the temptation to click on their profile and use it to stay in touch with the people who actually make you feel good. Seeing pictures of your crush is guaranteed to make you feel worse, so stop torturing yourself.
- Give yourself a time limit – say you’ll only spend 15 minutes a day on Facebook. If you want to spend that time stalking your crush, then you won’t get to see what the people who actually care about you are up to.
- You could even unfollow them on social media. [7]
X
Expert Source
Amy Chan
Relationship Coach Expert Interview. 1 May 2019.
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Avoid places where your crush is likely to be. Though you don’t have to change your schedule completely, if you really want to forget your crush, then you should try to avoid all of the places where you know you’ll see them. Don’t go to their favorite restaurant or movie theatre if you’re pretty sure they'll be there on a Friday night. If you know they’ll be going to a certain party and you’re still feeling really hurt, then find something else to do.
- This does not mean that your crush “won” and that you can’t do anything fun anymore; it just means you have to avoid them for a little while until you feel better.
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Mix up your routine. If you want to get your crush out of your life, then it’s time to switch things up. Have something different for breakfast. Meet a new friend for lunch instead of the same old friends. Pick up a new hobby. Drive to school or work by a different route. Though these changes may not be directly related to your crush, just making an effort to get out of the mindset that got you hung up on your crush in the first place can help you start to look at the world differently and to stop thinking the same thoughts that revolve around your crush. [8] X Research source
- Think about it: are there certain times of day when you think about your crush the most? If so, can you do something differently during those times so you will be more likely to forget about them instead? For example, if you always stare out the window on the bus ride home and think sad thoughts about your crush, find a new pump up album and listen to that during your ride home so it becomes a positive experience, instead of a time when you think about your crush.
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Lean on your friends and family. One great way to forget about your crush is to spend as much time as possible with the people who mean the most to you. Your friends and family have been there for you through thick and thin and they will make you feel better about your romantic situation just by being there for you. Though your social routine doesn’t have to be so jam packed that you don’t have a minute to yourself, you should make an effort to spend more time with your loved ones, so you can be grateful for all of the positive relationships in your life – instead of obsessing over the one relationship that didn’t pan out.
- Don’t spend your Friday or Saturday nights alone or you’ll wish you were with your crush. Hang out with your girl or guy friends instead, and you’ll be having so much fun that you’ll forget all about your crush.
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Do what you love. Spending time doing something that means a lot to you is a sure fire way to banish any thoughts about your crush from your mind. You should spend more time pursuing your favorite hobby, whether it’s running or painting, exercising, reading, or just doing whatever makes you happy. Maybe you think you’re too busy to make time for the things you care about. If that’s the case, then make the time by cutting something else out of your life; if you’re committed to pursuing your passion, then all thoughts of your crush will slowly drift away.
- Maybe you’re feeling so down in the dumps about your crush because you don’t have a lot of things that you really care about. It could be time to find out what your passion really is by taking a class out of your comfort zone, signing up for a photography, ballroom dancing, acting, or singing class, or just trying something completely new that you have a feeling might make you happy.
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Enjoy your solo time. Though spending time with your friends and family and doing your favorite activities can make you forget your crush, if you really want to find peace on your own, then you have to be comfortable with spending some time with your favorite person – you. If you’re really sad and upset the second you’re not keeping busy, then you haven’t really gotten over your crush yet. Make weekly “me dates” and spend that time doing something you really love – or just relaxing and watching your favorite TV show or taking a long hot bath. It doesn’t matter what you do – what matters is that you really enjoy doing it alone. [9] X Research source
- Don’t let last-minute plans with friends get in the way of your “me time.” You should treasure your “me time” like it’s a hot date with your favorite celebrity.
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Get out of the house. Don’t hole up in your dark sad cave thinking about all the reasons why it didn’t work out with your crush; get outside and breathe some fresh air instead. Just being out in the sun and breathing fresh air instead of hanging out at home will make you feel more alive, alert, energetic, and happier. If you have to do some work, then don’t hole up in your room and go to a coffee shop or park instead. Just being around other people, even if you’re not talking to them, will make you feel happier and will make you less likely to dwell on your crush.
- Make sure to get out of the house at least once a day, even if it’s just to take a half hour walk. Staying inside for an entire day is guaranteed to make anyone feel unhappy, whether they’re trying to get over someone or not.
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Love the single life. If you want to really get over your crush, then you can’t just be miserable by yourself and wait for someone new to come along. You have to be truly content with being on your own, doing your own thing, hanging out with your friends, and doing some casual flirting that won’t lead anywhere. You should appreciate the freedom that singledom can bring and know that, while dating someone can be fun and fulfilling, it should not determine whether you’re happy or sad.
- Give it time. It can take weeks, or even months, to appreciate being single, but once you do, you’ll see that you never really needed your crush after all – what you needed was an idea of your crush that you thought would lead you to happiness, but it wasn’t the answer you were looking for, in the end.
- Being single lets you do whatever you want, whenever you want, without worrying about anyone else. [10]
X
Expert Source
Amy Chan
Relationship Coach Expert Interview. 1 May 2019.
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Get ready for a new crush. Once you’ve done all the right things – adjusted your perspective, gotten rid of thoughts of your crush, and moved forward to do the things that make you happy – then you can really congratulate yourself for forgetting your crush. You have seen how great your life is without your crush, how amazing you are, and how lucky you are for the life you have. If you’re really over your crush, then you can slowly start to open up your heart and start crushing on someone new.
- If you’ve really moved on, then celebrate your victory and get excited about all of the love that will come your way.
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Get Over Your Crush with this Expert Series
Crushing over someone you can't have is both draining and distracting. Learn how to move past these feelings and take back control of your life with this expert series.
Expert Q&A
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QuestionHow do I know that I'm over my crush?Amy Chan is a Relationship Coach based in New York, New York. She is the Founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp, a retreat that takes a scientific and spiritual approach to healing after the end of a relationship. She has over 12 years of experience helping clients work on their relationships with strategies rooted in the psychology and science of relationships and personal development. Her team of psychologists and coaches at Renew Breakup Bootcamp has helped hundreds of individuals, and the Bootcamp has been featured on CNN, Vogue, the New York Times, and Fortune. Her book based on her work, Breakup Bootcamp, was published in 2020 and was featured by the New York Times.You've moved on once you've accepted your reality as is. This means you've stopped hoping for someone to change, stopped trying to control the situation, and have truly surrendered to what the reality is now. You're not stuck in the past ruminating about injustice, nor are you fantasizing about a future with your crush. You are present in this moment: right now, right here.
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QuestionHow can I start to feel normal again?Amy Chan is a Relationship Coach based in New York, New York. She is the Founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp, a retreat that takes a scientific and spiritual approach to healing after the end of a relationship. She has over 12 years of experience helping clients work on their relationships with strategies rooted in the psychology and science of relationships and personal development. Her team of psychologists and coaches at Renew Breakup Bootcamp has helped hundreds of individuals, and the Bootcamp has been featured on CNN, Vogue, the New York Times, and Fortune. Her book based on her work, Breakup Bootcamp, was published in 2020 and was featured by the New York Times.Take time to reconnect with yourself. Start that passion project you've procrastinated on, develop those friendships that have been on the backburner, or take that solo trip you've always wondered about. Make the next chapter of your life colorful, vibrant, playful, and fun.
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Tips
- If you find yourself ruminating, remind yourself: there is no reason to waste your time on someone who does not realize how special you are. You deserve better.Thanks
- There are many people in the world with whom you could be happy. Maybe this person was one of them, maybe not. Either way, there are many people, including many you haven't met yet, who are or will be special to you. It is time to shift your focus to them.Thanks
- Don't try to rush the process. You are human and it's okay to feel hurt sometimes.Thanks
Tips from our Readers
The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of wikiHow readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on wikiHow, please submit it in the field below.
- Remember time cures all pains. You are wonderful you can live without that person!
- Don't him/her be the reason why you want to give up on the things you love to do.
- Never give your crush the attention, care, and love that they never gave to you.
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Warnings
- Don't let yourself ruminate and fantasize about this person endlessly - there are other things you can be doing with your time.Thanks
- Do not talk behind your crush's back. Saying mean things about others mostly makes you look bad, not them.Thanks
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References
- ↑ https://qz.com/1034450/accepting-your-darkest-emotions-is-the-key-to-psychological-health/
- ↑ Amy Chan. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 1 May 2019.
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/learning-to-let-go-of-past-hurts-5-ways-to-move-on/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-young-and-the-restless/201112/the-process-idealization
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-forward/201508/5-ways-move-when-you-still-love-your-ex
- ↑ Amy Chan. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 1 May 2019.
- ↑ Amy Chan. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 1 May 2019.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mysteries-love/201503/top-10-ways-get-over-breakup
- ↑ https://barendspsychology.com/getting-over-a-break-up/
- ↑ Amy Chan. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 1 May 2019.
About This Article
Article Summary
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Before you try to forget your crush, give yourself some time to be sad so you're not bottling up your feelings. Don't be afraid to cry, write down how you feel in a journal, or talk to a close friend about what you're going through. After some time has passed, shift your mindset by focusing on your crush’s worst qualities to help you see that no one is perfect and you might not have been right for each other after all. As you prepare to move on, try to get as much distance from your crush as possible by not talking to them or about them, and unfollowing them on social media. Instead, turn your focus onto the things that you love, like hobbies that you’ve neglected or friends you haven’t seen in a while, which will help you start to feel happy again. To learn how to enjoy the single life, keep reading!
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"Helped because I liked a boy for a long time, but I kept it to myself. When I told my close friends, they encouraged me to tell him saying I had a good chance and he definitely liked me back. When I gathered enough courage to tell him, he rejected me coldly. 3 days later he announced he had a girlfriend. I'm still in love with him even though I know I have no chance."
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