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Having trouble moving on from a situationship or unrequited love?
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When you never dated the person you're heartbroken over, moving on can be an especially painful and confusing process. You may not have shared your feelings with anyone, and you may even feel a little embarrassed about them. First off, your feelings are completely valid, and we’ve all been there! Unrequited love is challenging, but with a little patience and time, you’ll be able to get over this person and even open up your heart to someone new. Luckily, we've covered all of the very best psychology-backed strategies to help you get over your crush with expert insights from licensed therapists and counselors. Read on to discover more!
Steps to Get Over Someone You Never Dated
- Take some space from them.
- Disconnect from them on social media.
- Talk to a friend or loved one.
- Stay busy with your hobbies and passions.
- Practice self-care.
- Focus on the future, not the past.
- Give your heart time to heal.
Steps
Section 1 of 4:
How do you get over someone you never dated?
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Cut off contact with your crush and get some distance from them. To get over heartbreak, it’s best to focus on new opportunities—not your old flame. Stop communicating with your crush to allow yourself a real chance to heal. If you feel comfortable, gently explain to this person that you’ll be taking a step back from them for a while. Or, if you two have a less established relationship, simply stop reaching out. [1] X Research source
- If you’ve kept your feelings a secret, you may not be able to explain why you’re taking space. Remember, your feelings and mental health come first, so it’s okay to take a step back, even if this confuses them.
- It’s okay to make up an excuse if that makes things easier for you. For example, you could say something like, "I've been so busy with work lately. I don't think I'll be able to chat much for a while..."
- Or, if it makes sense in your situation, you can explain things directly: "I think I need to take a step back from our friendship because I have feelings for you, and I know you don’t feel the same. Spending time with you makes me feel sad, and I have to prioritize my feelings."
- By continuing to talk with your crush, you risk leaving the wound open. But when you shift your focus from this person, you give yourself a chance to heal and open your heart to different opportunities.
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Mute your crush on social media. If you’re constantly seeing your ex’s posts on Instagram, Snapchat, or TikTok, it’s much harder to stop thinking about them. Each time you see their username, you’ll be reminded of your feelings, and you may start to ruminate about what they’re doing and who they’re hanging out with. Because of this, it’s best to mute, block, or unfollow your crush across all platforms. [2] X Research source
- If you haven’t expressed feelings or don’t want this person to know, mute them. Muting them will silence their posts, but they'll have no way of knowing.
- If you’ve had a conversation with them about everything and you prefer a cleaner break, unfollowing or unfriending should be fine—they’ll likely understand why you’re taking this step.
- Consider taking a hiatus from social media altogether. This is a great option if you can’t resist checking their page, even after unfollowing them. Social media breaks can also boost your mood and support your mental health, which can be super helpful when you’re dealing with heartbreak. [3] X Research source
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Try to stop reminiscing, and let go of “what ifs.” Constantly looking back at your relationship with your crush and dreaming about what could have been can definitely make your heartbreak last longer. Nostalgia and wishful thinking may feel good in the moment, but they won’t benefit you in the long run—they’ll just keep you stuck. Instead, turn your attention toward new possibilities. To make this easier, consider getting rid of reminders, like your old messages and pictures together. [4] X Research source
- If you think you’ll want a copy of any texts or photos, save them to a flash drive, but delete them off of your phone so they aren’t as easily available to reminisce over.
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Remind yourself why your crush was wrong for you. To do this, start by making a list of all the things that bother you about the person you currently have feelings for—like their lack of humor or empathy. Next, make a second list of all the qualities you'd hope for in your ideal partner. These qualities can be anything from “loves to cook” to “super kind.” Seeing these two lists side by side will help remind you that your crush wasn’t your ultimate dreamboat and that your perfect match is still out there. [5] X Research source
- Plus, the act of imagining your dream partner helps you focus on the amazing things to come, rather than the heartbreak of the past.
- Remind yourself that it's a big world out there. Go find someone who looks more like list #2.
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Challenge negative thoughts and work on thinking more positively. When you’re dealing with heartbreak, it’s easy to fall into negative self-talk. You may find yourself thinking things like, “I don’t deserve to feel sad because we didn’t even date,” or “It’s my fault for falling for the wrong person.” These types of thoughts aren’t helpful, and they’re also untrue. When you catch yourself thinking this way, take a pause and try to challenge the negative thought. [6] X Research source For example:
- Can you really be heartbroken over someone you didn’t date? Yes, it happens all the time. Your relationship status doesn’t determine your pain.
- I can’t go to my friends for help, because it’s silly that I’m heartbroken. Your friends love you. And you deserve to feel supported while handling heartbreak.
- I never even told this person how I felt. That was stupid. You did what you thought was best at the time. Besides, it’s never too late to share how you feel.
- I always fall for unavailable people. What’s my problem? The truth is, everybody has a romantic pattern or two to break. The fact that you recognize yours is so powerful. Think of how exciting it’ll be when you finally break the habit!
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Focus on self-care. Heartbreak is tough. While you’re coping and healing, it’s important to practice self-care and give yourself all the love and comfort you can. There are many ways to do this, so feel free to do what feels most helpful for you. For example, self-care could mean going to your weekly yoga class, carving out time in your schedule to do your favorite hobbies, or spending time outdoors. Here are a few suggestions if you’re looking for inspiration: [7] X Research source
- Go for a walk at sunset.
- Watch your favorite show or movie.
- Listen to your favorite album from start to finish.
- Grab a weighted blanket and take a nice, long nap.
- Light a sweet-smelling candle and solve the Sunday crossword puzzle.
- Do something active, like hiking, riding your bike, or going to the gym.
- Try out something new, like taking a cooking class or learning to crochet.
- Treat yourself to takeout from your favorite restaurant, or get a sweet treat.
- Pamper yourself with a spa day or a massage.
- Incorporate relaxing practices, like meditation or yoga , into your routine.
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Build up your self-confidence. When you feel great about you , it’s easy to be excited about the future. And when you’re excited about the future, it’s easier to move on from heartbreak. There are tons of different things you can do to build up your self-confidence , but if you’re not sure where to start, here are a few suggestions: [8] X Research source
- Licensed clinical psychologist Susan Pazak recommends making a list of all your positive qualities. Try writing down ten things you’re great at, ten things you’ve accomplished, and ten things you think you’d be good at to remind yourself of your talent and potential.
- Pazak also suggests making a list of positive affirmations , then meditating on them three times per day (morning, noon, and night). These affirmations can be encouraging statements, like “I’m smart, worthy, and capable,” or “I’m deeply deserving of love.”
- Set goals that make you feel inspired. Choose one big goal, like finding a new job, then come up with three sub-goals that’ll help you get there, like “edit my resume." Write these goals down somewhere so you can refer to them and hold yourself to them. [9] X Research source
- Volunteering can also be a powerful self-esteem booster to get past rejection, explains Pazak. “Help others to remind yourself that you have skills that are appreciated and valued,” she says.
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Find reasons to laugh. While you’re handling the pain of moving on, seek out funny, lighthearted content and activities to take your mind off things and boost your mood. If you make it a priority to laugh regularly, you may actually find that you’re better at coping with stress, and the weight of heartbreak may not feel quite as heavy. [10] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- Reach out to your funniest friends. Anyone who makes you feel amazing and stress-free will be the perfect company. Do something silly together, like an improv class.
- Watch and listen to hilarious content. If you’re watching a movie, make it a comedy. If you need a soundtrack for a nice long walk, go for a funny podcast.
- Even alone, be silly. Dance to pop music while you cook dinner. Make funny faces in the mirror while getting ready. Look for the humor in routine situations.
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Dive into your hobbies and passions. Staying busy will help you keep your mind off of your crush and distract you from unhelpful thoughts about what could have been. Plus, when you throw yourself into new activities and take time to explore your interests, you’ll be feeding your soul and getting closer to your goals. This can elevate your self-esteem and help you feel happier, even without your crush in your life. [11] X Research source
- Pick up a new skill you’ve been wanting to try. Woodworking, ballroom dancing, drawing, rock climbing—whatever you’ve been dying to do, now’s the time!
- Double the amount of time you spend doing your favorite things. This time could be spent doing anything from exercising to cooking to building your dream closet.
- Try to choose activities that will help you grow professionally or personally. For example, reading more, learning to code, or taking an art class are all productive (but fun!) options.
- Creative outlets can ease the pain of heartbreak, too. Consider making a heartbreak playlist, writing a short story about your feelings, or taking a sketchpad on a walk and drawing for a while.
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Connect with friends and loved ones. When you’re dealing with heartbreak, it’s important to lean on your network for support. “Go into the pain with a safe person, suggests licensed professional counselor Casey Lee. “Whether it’s sadness or anger or fear, our emotions need to be felt through to completion with someone who will hear, support, and be there with us. When we can do that, healing starts to happen.”
- If you don’t feel like having a deep talk about your feelings, you can also invite them to do something fun, like going to the zoo or the movies. A fun activity will distract you and get your mind off things, which is also helpful!
- If you’re not sure about who to reach out to, consider joining an online support group for people who are dealing with unrequited love. Discussing things with people who are experiencing the same thing could be healing, and you may be able to help someone else process their feelings, too.
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Open yourself up to new romantic possibilities. The prospect of exciting, new love can distract you from old wounds. Yes, you got hurt, and that can feel completely terrible, but don’t let this keep you from the hope, joy, and thrill of new romance. “Choose to believe that this too shall pass, and something or someone better is meant for your future,” says Pazak. If the opportunity to get to know someone new arises, take it. Even better, actively put yourself out there . You never know what you’ll find! [12] X Research source
- If you notice someone cute making eyes at a coffee shop, consider walking over and leaving your number. Why not?
- If you feel comfortable, sign up for a dating app. If the thought of creating your profile sounds bad enough to discourage you, you can always enlist a friend for help.
- Don’t let reminiscing keep you from something great. You deserve more than old memories tinged with sadness—you deserve love. So, go out and get it!
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Talk to a therapist. Sometimes, heartbreak can lead to more serious mental health problems, and if this happens, it’s important to seek out care. If you think you’re struggling with depression as a result of your heartbreak, a professional can help. If you’re under 18, speak to a parent, teacher, or guidance counselor about how you can get treatment, and if you’re over 18, reach out to your doctor. Look out for common symptoms of depression , like: [13] X Trustworthy Source National Institute of Mental Health Informational website from U.S. government focused on the understanding and treatment of mental illness. Go to source
- Consistent sadness, anxiety, or “empty” moods
- Feelings of hopelessness, guilt, or helplessness
- Low energy or fatigue
- Issues sleeping
- Irritability
- Loss of interest in things that used to make you happy
- Changes in appetite [14] X Trustworthy Source National Institute of Mental Health Informational website from U.S. government focused on the understanding and treatment of mental illness. Go to source
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Get Over Your Crush with this Expert Series
Crushing over someone you can't have is both draining and distracting. Learn how to move past these feelings and take back control of your life with this expert series.
Expert Q&A
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QuestionHow do you stop wanting someone you can't have?Dr. Jessica January Behr is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the Founder and Director of Behr Psychology. She specializes in couples and sex therapy. Additionally, Dr. Behr treats those experiencing anxiety, stress, relationship problems, and depression. She holds a BA in Psychology from Hunter College. Dr. Behr also holds a Masters of Science of Education (MsED) in School Psychology and a Doctor of Psychology (PsyD) in Clinical Psychology from Pace University.The first thing to do is to understand the fantasy component of the relationship in your head. It's probable that you don't really know a lot about the person, as you've never dated. Remember that most of the attributes that you connected to them are things that are only on your mind. Then you have to wonder why you feel like you love that person. Put your fantasy in check and learn to identify your needs to get on with your life.
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QuestionCan you be heartbroken if you never dated?Dr. Jessica January Behr is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the Founder and Director of Behr Psychology. She specializes in couples and sex therapy. Additionally, Dr. Behr treats those experiencing anxiety, stress, relationship problems, and depression. She holds a BA in Psychology from Hunter College. Dr. Behr also holds a Masters of Science of Education (MsED) in School Psychology and a Doctor of Psychology (PsyD) in Clinical Psychology from Pace University.Yes, you can! To get over that, check-in with yourself about how it feels to be in an unrequited love relationship. Do you feel angry? Do you feel betrayed? Are you hurt? Is your self-esteem taking a hit? Answer those questions and try to figure out a way to take care of yourself and to get your needs met, even though the person that you want to be fulfilling those needs can't necessarily do it.
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QuestionWe liked each other a lot in the past, but then I turned him down when he asked me out. Now I realize that I can't do without him. I want him back, but he distanced himself. How do I get over him now?This answer was written by one of our trained team of researchers who validated it for accuracy and comprehensiveness.wikiHow Staff EditorStaff AnswerHe may have distanced himself from you to avoid getting hurt again. If you're sure that you want to be with him, tell him! You never know until you try. It may help to explain why you chose to reject him in the past, what's changed, and why you won't do anything similar in the future. Good luck!
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References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/i-hear-you/201804/six-psychological-strategies-getting-over-bad-breakup
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindful-dating/202210/6-tips-stop-checking-ex-s-social-media
- ↑ https://summer.harvard.edu/blog/need-a-break-from-social-media-heres-why-you-should-and-how-to-do-it/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201501/7-mistakes-you-need-avoid-after-breakup
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-the-name-love/201908/the-best-path-finding-the-partner-whos-right-you
- ↑ https://positivepsychology.com/positive-mindset/
- ↑ https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/self-care-checklist/
- ↑ https://au.reachout.com/articles/how-to-build-self-confidence
- ↑ https://au.reachout.com/articles/how-to-build-self-confidence
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-health/laughter-is-the-best-medicine.htm
- ↑ https://www.unh.edu/pacs/break-ups-how-help-yourself-move
- ↑ https://www.unh.edu/pacs/break-ups-how-help-yourself-move
- ↑ https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/depression
- ↑ https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/depression
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3076808/
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/unrequited-love-meaning
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/relationships/finding-closure
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/beyond-the-psychology-major/201705/how-let-go-after-your-breakup
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/unrequited-love-meaning
- ↑ https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/2158244013492160
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/dealing-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8074860/
About This Article
Article Summary
X
To get over someone you never dated, start by admitting the full extent of your feelings and try not to brush your feelings off as “a little crush,” since admitting your crush can make it easier for you to move on. If painful feelings come up, allow yourself to cry or feel angry for a little bit to help you get over your grief in a healthy way. Additionally, talk about your feelings with supportive friends who will sympathize with you and encourage you to move on. To get this person out of your thoughts, stay active with activities like exercise or making art. For tips on moving on from someone, like how to boost your self-esteem, read on!
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Reader Success Stories
- "I've been crushing on this guy for a long time, but it's already clear he doesn't like me back and wants nothing to do with me. It hurts really bad so I looked up ways to help the pain and found this article. I honestly followed the steps and I've been getting over him now. I feel so relieved because liking him was a painful time. I didn't want to go through it anymore. This article really worked!" ..." more
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"I've been crushing on this guy for a long time, but it's already clear he doesn't like me back and wants nothing to do with me. It hurts really bad so I looked up ways to help the pain and found this article. I honestly followed the steps and I've been getting over him now. I feel so relieved because liking him was a painful time. I didn't want to go through it anymore. This article really worked!"
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"I had a crush on a co-worker, and he kinda liked me, too. I would get so nervous around him, and he eventually noticed I had feelings for him. He asked me out and I did not accept. I knew that we had many differences, and although we both like(d) each other, it would have never worked out. This article helped me realize that I need to weigh the pros and cons in the relationship. "
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"Really helped me. I have learned a lot. Getting over someone you never dated is one of the worst things someone has to go through. As time goes on, you will have to let go and let it be. You need to know when the part of the story some people have played has died. You need to know when it's dead! Let it go!"
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"This helped a lot. Told all my friends that my crush liked this one girl and they told me I was wrong. Once we became better friends I confronted him about it and he told me it was true. It has been very difficult to get over him, especially with our blooming friendship. This helped me with my problems."
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"I have been crushing on this guy for years and every time I try to move away, he does or says something to give me hope but never really wants to commit. This article has helped me know I'm not alone and my gut is right. Am still working on letting go completely and being patient with myself."
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