7 Reasons Why You Attract Narcissists

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A guide to what draws in a narcissist and how to repel them
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After dating one narcissist, it seems like wherever you turn there’s another one lined up to lure you in. Is there something about you that makes you attractive to narcissists? In this article, we’ve asked the experts why some people tend to draw in narcissists, why you might be attracted to them, and what you can do to get rid of them. If you’re ready to kick narcissists to the curb for good, keep reading.

This article is based on an interview with our licensed professional clinical counselor, Jay Reid, LPCC. Check out the full interview here.

Things You Should Know

  • Narcissists are attracted to people who are insecure or have low-self esteem. To narcissists, they seem easy to control and manipulate.
  • Empathetic people are often attractive to narcissists. Narcissists love the attention and importance that sensitive people give them.
  • Set boundaries about behaviors you won’t tolerate to deter narcissists. Communicate them with “I” statements and be clear about what happens if they’re violated.
Section 1 of 3:

Reasons You Attract Narcissists

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  1. One of the key signs of a narcissist is their controlling behavior, telling their partner how to look, where they can go, and what they can do. They might be attracted to you because they think your lack of confidence makes you easier to manipulate. Narcissists tend to love bomb you, or overwhelm you with displays of love and affection, to hook you in. This plays into your insecurities and makes you feel worthy.
    • Anyone can fall victim to a narcissist, so don’t blame yourself. They are expert observers who take advantage of the smallest cracks in your confidence.
    • Be aware of your negative thoughts to help improve your self-esteem . If you think “I’m stupid and can’t do anything right,” pair your thought with a positive one that refutes it. For example, think or write down, “I’m good at my job. I helped Janet write the computer code she was struggling with today.”
    • Most importantly, know that you are worthy of a healthy and positive relationship.
    • If you deal with insecurity, you might find yourself attracted to narcissists. You might enjoy the overwhelming affection they give you at first because it makes you feel valued.
    • Narcissists are actually deeply insecure themselves, and use their manipulation and controlling behaviors to cover it up and project a self-important front.
  2. People who struggle with codependency tend to seek out validation from their partner and cling to them for support. They often lose themselves in their partner despite their own needs and how they’re treated because they fear abandonment. So, a narcissist might be attracted to you if they think they can treat you poorly and you’ll still stick around to nurture them. [1]
    • People with codependent tendencies often grew up in homes where love was conditional or earned, so don’t be hard on yourself. Know that real love is positive, supportive, and doesn’t have strings attached.
    • Taking care of yourself is a powerful step in overcoming codependency . Schedule time to take a walk, binge a TV show, or take a relaxing bubble bath. Learning to take time for yourself helps you build healthy, balanced relationships.
    • Codependent people are often attracted to narcissists because they like feeling needed by them.
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  3. People pleasers typically put others’ happiness over their own, often because they don’t think they deserve it. They’ll give and give without asking for anything in return while a narcissist just takes. If a narcissist thinks you’ll dote on them and not advocate for yourself, they might be attracted to you. [2]
    • It’s not a bad thing to be selfless, but it’s important to put yourself first . Say “No” to things when your plate is full and ask for help when you’re struggling.
  4. If you grew up with a narcissistic parent or had a long-term relationship with a narcissist, they likely chipped away at your boundaries and ability to stand up for yourself. Because of your experience, you might tolerate a narcissist's behavior more. These traits are all highly attractive to a narcissist, who takes advantage of your trauma to lure you in.
    • Growing up with a narcissist also tends to lower your self-esteem. While you might get down on yourself, recognize how resilient you are. Low self-esteem is often a coping mechanism that helps you deal with and survive your situation.
    • Talk to a therapist to work through your experiences with a narcissist. They can help you come up with long-term goals and solutions to deal with your pain.
    • You might also be attracted to narcissists because of your prior experiences with one. A narcissist's behaviors can feel comforting or even safe because they're what you’re used to.
  5. Even though narcissists lack empathy, they are drawn to the attention and validation that a sensitive person gives them. If you’re empathetic, you’re probably a great listener who feels deeply for people and understands where they’re coming from. When a narcissist senses this, they see someone who feeds into their delusions of grandeur, or belief that they're superior, and whose sole purpose is to make them feel important. [3]
    • Empathy is an amazing quality to have, so don’t feel bad about sympathizing with a narcissist. Knowing the signs of a narcissist can help you stay away and stop you from falling into their trap.
    • Empathetic people are often attracted to narcissists because they get validation from being helpful. A narcissist might rope you in with phrases like, “You’re the only one who understands me,” and, “I don’t know anyone else like you.”
  6. Narcissists are often people who experienced trauma growing up. Unfortunately, they sometimes use their difficult experiences to draw people in. If you’re affected by their pain and want to help them, they see someone who will fawn over them and rationalize their bad behaviors. [4]
    • Wanting to help a narcissist is an admirable trait and makes you a wonderful, caring person. Just know that a narcissist has to want to get help and be motivated to change to save themselves.
  7. A narcissist believes they’re the most fascinating, important, and attractive person in the room. They often treat people as an extension of themselves, so they like to associate with and be around people who have status. If you’re doing well for yourself, know influential people, and appear put together, narcissists might cozy up to you to steal your shine. [5]
    • Narcissists are often charming themselves and full of flattery in the beginning stages of a relationship.
    • You might be attracted to a narcissist because of the exciting, engaging front they put on. They’re often the life of the party with a magnetic personality that people can’t resist.
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Quiz

wikiHow Quiz: Am I a Narcissist or an Empath?

Empath, narcissist, or somewhere in between? If you’re wondering where you rank, you’ve come to the right place. This quiz is fine-tuned to help you know yourself better and increase your self-awareness. So whether you’re a super empathetic softie or you’re all about yourself, you’ll know in a matter of minutes. Take our quiz to discover more!
1 of 15

Your friend calls to say that they lost their job today. You feel:

Section 2 of 3:

How to Stop Attracting Narcissists

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  1. If you’re not used to setting boundaries , it can be difficult at first. Recognize that your needs are valid and important first and foremost. Then, think about what is important to you and what you can’t accept. Use clear, firm language and “I” statements to communicate your boundary to your narcissist. Then, let them know what happens if they violate it.
    • For example, say “I don’t want you to come over to my house without texting me first. If you don’t text me, I’m not answering the door or going anywhere with you. I need you to respect my time like I respect yours.”
    • Lots of narcissists don’t initially take no for an answer, so they might push you on your boundaries. Keep your cool, stay firm in your resolve, and tell them, “No.”
    • Establish boundaries in your daily life to make them easier to do. Tell your coworker that you won’t respond to emails after 5:00, or a friend that you can’t come over on weekdays.
    • Someone who loves and respects you won’t keep pushing or violating your boundaries. If your narcissist can’t honor your wishes, it might be time to reconsider the relationship.
  2. Take small steps to build yourself up and understand your worth . Write down your positive qualities and accomplishments to see proof that you’re an amazing person. Then, get into old passions or start a new hobby: relax on the sofa and crochet, get outdoors and learn to surf, or volunteer at your local animal shelter. Surround yourself with supportive friends who build you up and inspire you. [6]
    • Leading a full and positive life gives you purpose and self-esteem. Being fulfilled makes it clear when an unhealthy narcissist walks into your life and gives you the power to turn them away.
  3. Learning to identify narcissists helps you disengage yourself from their tricks, which makes you less attractive to them. Narcissists typically compliment you profusely, shower you with gifts, and declare their love early on. Then, they keep up their charming appearance in public, but in private criticize and devalue you. When you confront or criticize them, they tend to grow angry, depressed, or spin it on you to make you feel guilty. [7]
    • Be wary of someone who love bombs, only talks about themselves, is condescending to other people, and has a bad string of long-term relationships. If you feel uncomfortable by anything they do, now’s the time to walk away.
    • In conversations, mention your accomplishments to show that you have high self-worth. Or if you’re comfortable, talk about times when you’ve recognized toxicity and walked away. If your date reacts negatively, that’s your cue to leave.
  4. Think about what you want in a partner, how that person behaves, and what beliefs are meaningful to you. When you’re aware of what you need in a relationship , it’s easier to judge if someone is healthy and a good match for you. It’s hard for a narcissist to fake thinking about anyone but themselves, while a genuine person is understanding, supportive, and recognizes their flaws, too. [8]
    • When you get to know a date , ask about their future goals, interests, their past, their family, and what they’re searching for in a relationship. What they say tells you what kind of person they are and if they set off any red flags.
  5. Lots of people go to a mental health professional to unlearn toxic relationship behaviors, establish their self-worth, and deal with trauma from a narcissist. A therapist can help you identify negative thoughts and behaviors, learn how to challenge them, improve your self-worth, and recognize a healthy, loving partner.
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Section 3 of 3:

What does a narcissist want in a relationship?

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  1. Because narcissists think they’re better than anyone else, they want someone who doesn’t challenge them. They’re looking for a relationship where they’re always praised and receiving attention, while they give nothing in return. [9]
    • This is why narcissists are attracted to people who are loyal, self-sacrificing, and have lower-self esteem.

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      References

      1. ↑ https://codependencyrecovery.org/2023/02/05/3-reasons-codependent-people-attract-narcissistic-partners/
      2. ↑ https://codependencyrecovery.org/2023/02/05/3-reasons-codependent-people-attract-narcissistic-partners/
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/highly-sensitive-refuge/201912/do-highly-sensitive-people-attract-narcissists
      4. ↑ ​​ https://psychcentral.com/disorders/the-dance-between-codependents-narcissists
      5. ↑ https://www.lifecoach-directory.org.uk/memberarticles/six-reasons-you-keep-attracting-narcissists
      6. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/recovering-narcissist/2019/08/5-powerful-ways-to-turn-off-narcissists-sociopaths-and-psychopaths-how-to-protect-yourself-in-dating
      7. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/understanding-narcissism/201711/why-am-i-attracting-so-many-narcissists
      9. ↑ https://spsp.org/news/character-and-context-blog/grapsas-brummelman-what-narcissists-want

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