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It can be super stressful when your boyfriend’s angry, and you might even get that sinking feeling in your stomach or wonder what you can do to make him feel better. Here’s the good news—in healthy relationships, anger is a temporary thing. Give him time, and he will calm down, and you two can get through this! In the meantime, we’ve put together a guide to help you cheer him up and be a supportive partner when he’s angry.

This article is based on an interview with our professional dating coach, John Keegan, founder of The Awakened Lifestyle. Check out the full interview here.

2

Give him space to cool off.

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  1. You can have more productive conversations once he's calm. Even if he’s riled up, stay cool, and try not to take the anger personally. We know staying calm is easier said than done, but as long as he’s a good person and a good boyfriend, he’ll come back around once the initial anger goes away. Then, you’ll be able to have a better conversation to resolve the situation. [2]
    • Try to avoid saying anything to directly contradict him or blame him.
    • Giving him space might look like physically leaving the room or saying something like, “It’s hard for me to talk to you when you’re angry. Let’s take a time-out and come back to this.”
4

Tell him you understand his perspective.

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  1. Use compassion to help you two move on from the conflict. Try to see things from his side. You might totally disagree with his perspective (and that’s normal and healthy). But put yourself in his shoes for now—it’ll help him feel understood. Tell him his feelings are valid and that you get what he’s going through. [4]
    • “I get how upset you must’ve felt when I had to cancel our weekend trip.”
    • “I can tell that text really upset you. I understand why what I said hurt you.”
    • “It’s fair that you feel like that. I’d be angry, too, if I thought someone was ignoring me on purpose.”
    Harville Hendrix, World-Relationship Therapist

    When your partner is angry, don't react defensively even if you feel unfairly attacked. Instead, let them vent while you listen quietly and attentively. When they finish, paraphrase what you heard and ask if you understood correctly. This simple act of listening without judgement can diffuse anger, and pave the way for rational problem solving.

11

Make a list of reasons why you appreciate him.

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13

Talk about preventing conflict in the future.

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  1. Once he’s calmed down, work together to solve any underlying problems. By talking about the issues that made him mad, you can take steps to make your relationship stronger and happier. Ask him what he needs to feel supported and loved. Then, tell him what you need to feel the same way, and see if you can find a middle ground. [16]
    • Try starting the conversation with something like, “What do you think we can do in the future so you don’t have to feel this way?” [17]
    • Ask for more information if you don’t understand the issue. For instance, you could say, “Could you tell me more about why it upset you when I didn’t text back on Friday?”
    • Suggest a compromise by saying something like, “Could we try splitting the difference between what we both want? We could try setting aside time together on the weekends, but we could leave Friday nights free so that you can have time with friends.” [18]
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14

Watch out for a pattern of angry behavior.

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  1. Everyone has bad days, but it’s not fair to you (and it’s not healthy) if your boyfriend is continually angry at you. You deserve love and respect! If your boyfriend gets angry with you a lot, that’s a sign he needs professional help, and you should consider leaving the relationship. [19] Here are just a few red flags to look out for: [20]
    • Calling you names and putting you down
    • Embarrassing you in public or in front of others
    • Physically damaging property (kicking doors, punching walls)
    • Continually blaming unhealthy behavior or anger on your actions
    • Threatening to hurt you

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      References

      1. John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 10 June 2021.
      2. John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 29 July 2021.
      3. John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 10 June 2021.
      4. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201702/the-one-crucial-thing-do-when-your-partner-is-upset
      5. John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 10 June 2021.
      6. John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 29 July 2021.
      7. John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 10 June 2021.
      8. https://www.familycentre.org/news/post/5-different-ways-to-show-love-and-improve-your-relationship
      9. https://www.bps.org.uk/research-digest/its-all-cuddling

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