How to Answer Someone's Apology Over Text Message

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How to phrase your answer to someone else's apology
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When someone apologizes to you with a text message, it’s tempting to just let the text sit in your inbox forever. After all, what do you even say? But this is your chance to advocate for yourself, clear the air, and move forward with your life! That’s why we talked to certified social worker Julianne Cantarella and HR expert Jeffrey Fermin about exploring your feelings, accepting or rejecting an apology via text, and why apologies are important.

Accepting or Rejecting an Apology Text

  • Take some time to decide how you feel about the apology, and if you think it’s genuine. Trust your gut, but also give the person the benefit of the doubt.
  • Accept the apology by thanking the person for reaching out. Let them know how you feel and that you’re ready to put it all behind you.
  • Decline the apology by telling them why you still feel upset, and what needs to be done to make things right.
Section 1 of 5:

Deciding How You Feel Before You Respond

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  1. If you’re still mad at the other person, you might be tempted to react to their apology with an angry text. Unfortunately, it’s all too easy for angry texting to spiral out of control into a hurtful argument. [1] To avoid saying something you might regret, put the phone down for a little while and think about what you want to say .
    • Take a few minutes—or even a day or two, if necessary—to process your feelings before you answer.
    • While you wait, ask yourself if what they did was a big deal. Were you physically hurt? Emotionally? Did it cause more problems? Would you feel okay just moving on?
    • Take as much time as you need. If you take a long time, start your response with, “I’m sorry I didn’t respond to this earlier, I’ve had a lot on my mind.” You might also consider letting them know off the bat if you think you'll need time before responding, just so they know you're not ignoring the text: "I need some time to think but will reply in full later."
  2. It can be tricky to pick up on someone’s tone over text, which is why it’s not the ideal way to give (or respond to) an apology. Still, the actual words of the apology can help you figure out if it’s sincere or not. [2] Their text doesn’t have to check all the boxes, but Fermin tells us that a good apology text: [3] :
    • Is specific, and that the person tells you what they’re apologizing for so you know that they know it was wrong.
    • Is sympathetic. They should acknowledge your feelings to make it clear they know you’ve been hurt.
    • Takes responsibility for what they did without offering excuses or shifting blame, or saying “I’m sorry if what I did hurt you.” That’s not responsibility.
    • Makes amends and tells you how they’ll make it right or avoid the mistake in the future.
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  3. Think about what happened between you and the other person, and try to see things from their side. If there’s anything you could have done differently, acknowledge it. That way, you’re both more likely to come out of the situation feeling better about things. [4]
    • For instance, say, “Thanks for apologizing, I really needed to hear that. And I’m sorry for reacting the way I did, I shouldn’t have blown up at you like that.”
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Section 2 of 5:

Accepting the Apology

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  1. Texting was designed for quick and easy communication, so it’s not a great place to write a detailed essay about your feelings. [5] Whether or not you accept their apology , give them a short answer that gets straight to the point. [6] For example:
    • “Thanks for apologizing. That means a lot to me.”
    • “It’s no big deal, but thanks for apologizing.”
    • “No worries! Mistakes happen.”
    EXPERT TIP

    Jeffrey Fermin

    Employee Relations Expert
    Jeffrey Fermin is an Employee Relations Expert based in Miami, Florida. He currently works as Head of Demand Generation for AllVoices, a platform that manages employee relations issues. Through his work, he has developed extensive experience with understanding human behavior and the intricacies of work life. He’s also the Founder of a full-service marketing company called New Theory. He has more than 13 years of experience in B2B SaaS marketing, and has specifically focused on human resources technology, digital marketing, and content creation. He earned a Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology and a Bachelor of Education from Florida International University. Jeffrey has won a Microsoft Octas Innovation Award and is a TechCrunch Disrupt Runner-Up.
    Jeffrey Fermin
    Employee Relations Expert

    While texts lack the nuances of face-to-face interactions , with careful consideration of your words and tone, you can effectively convey sincerity and regret.

  2. If the apology is sincere, let them know that you recognize their effort—even if you’re still a bit upset. [7] That way, they know that your response is sincere, too. It also encourages them to apologize again in the future if your response is positive. Avoid criticizing their apology, if it does seem sincere. Try saying something like:
    • “I appreciate your apology.”
    • “Thanks for saying that.”
    • “What you did really hurt me, but it means a lot that you said sorry. Thank you.”
  3. Be clear about it so that you both get some closure . [8] Say something like, “Thanks, I forgive you.” Or, “We’re good. Just don’t do it again, please.” Whatever you say, keep the tone of your answer appropriate to the seriousness of what happened (and your own feelings about it).
    • “I’m not really thinking about it anymore, but I appreciate you reaching out.”
    • “This feels good, and I’m ready to move forward.”
    • “I’m glad we could talk about this!”
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Section 3 of 5:

If You’re Not Ready to Accept the Apology

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  1. Even if you accept the apology, it’s totally natural to still feel bothered by what happened. [9] If that’s the case, be honest about how you’re feeling instead of trying to hide it or bottle it up. Being open will help you feel a little better, and it will also give the other person a better sense of where things stand between you.
    • “Hey, I appreciate it. I’m still a bit mad about what happened, but I’ll get over it.”
    • “Ok, thanks for apologizing. It’s going to be a while before I feel better about things, but that helps.”
    • “I’m not totally ready to move on, but this helps me feel better about things.”
  2. It can be tempting to just say "It's OK" when someone says they're sorry, even when it's not. But if their apology is insincere, or if you feel like it just isn’t enough to make up for what they did, let them know. [10] You can also tell them that you appreciate the apology, but you’re not yet ready to accept it. This makes it clear where you stand, and doesn’t just let them off the hook.
    • For instance, if you don’t feel like their apology was good enough, say something like, “I can’t accept your apology. It doesn’t sound like you’re really taking responsibility for what happened.”
    • Or, “Thanks for apologizing, but I’m still really upset and I’m not ready to forgive you yet. Please give me some time.”
    • Consider giving them a second chance to apologize more sincerely, like, “I need you to let me know that you understand why I’m so hurt.”
  3. Fermin says that “follow-up actions after the apology often hold as much weight as the words themselves.” [11] Take a moment to talk about how you can both move on from what happened. You could suggest a compromise or make a gentle request for them to change their behavior in the future. [12] Be gentle but firm—remember, you’re advocating for yourself!
    • “Next time you’re upset with me, please say how you feel instead of yelling.”
    • “I get that you were frustrated because I was taking too long, and I’ll try to be better about that. But in the future, just check in with me instead of leaving without me.”
  4. If the person is apologizing about something pretty minor, or if you don’t have a lot to say in response, then shooting back a quick text might work okay. But Cantarella reminds us that if you want to have a heart-to-heart talk with them, it’s better to call or do it in person. [13]
    • You might send a message saying something like, “What happened yesterday is kind of a big deal, and I don’t want to talk about it over text. Can I give you a call?”
    • Or say, "Thanks so much for your text, but I think this is something we should talk about in person."
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Section 4 of 5:

Benefits of Accepting an Apology

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  1. If the person apologizing is someone close to you, accepting their apology can actually make your relationship stronger than it was before. It tells them that your relationship is more important to you than their mistakes. It also shows that you don’t want them to keep hurting because of those mistakes. [14]
    • If this person is just an acquaintance, accepting their apology shows that you’re willing to give the relationship another chance.
  2. When someone apologizes, and the other person accepts it, the two of them are telling each other that it’s okay to mess up now and then. After all, everyone makes mistakes, and if we’re constantly scared that one mistake will spell doom for a relationship, then it’s hard for that relationship to grow. Forgiveness tells other people that they don’t have to be so worried or uptight around you. [15]
    • That doesn’t mean they can walk all over you, though! That’s why it’s important to communicate your own feelings and needs when accepting an apology.
  3. Sometimes, we accept apologies just to get it over with. When someone has unresolved guilt, it tends to muddy the water and kill the good vibes. But we also accept apologies to uphold our own reputations, clear our names, and to make sure the bad thing doesn’t happen again. It’s one way of making our own lives easier and hassle-free. [16]
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Section 5 of 5:

Apology FAQs

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  1. Nope! Sure, accepting is the polite thing to do, but that doesn’t always mean it’s the right thing to do. If the apology isn’t sincere, for example, then accepting it would only let the problem slide. Or, if you’re still hurting a lot, then accepting it might mean you miss out on much-needed closure. [17]
    • Ask yourself if you’d feel satisfied accepting the apology, or if it’d leave loose ends.
    • You might be able to accept the apology, but also ask the person to do more work to make things right.
  2. If you accept the apology, then start to look to the future. Do your best to put the mistake behind you, and treat the person accordingly. If they correct their behavior, great! If they don’t, then there might be a bigger issue you may want to talk to them about. [18]
    • You don’t have to stay friends, but again, ask yourself if it’s a relationship you want to keep.
  3. Ask politely and respectfully. Find some time alone with the person, if you’re comfortable, and tell them what they did and how it hurt you. Don’t demand an apology, but tell them it’d make you feel better if you could find some way to work it out. For example: [19]
    • “What you did caused me a lot of trouble. Is there a way we can avoid this in the future?”
    • “That really embarrassed me, and I was hoping you could help me make things better.”
    • “What you said really hurt me, and I want you to understand why.”
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      References

      1. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/why-you-shouldnt-text-your-argument#1
      2. ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/six_tips_for_reading_emotions_in_text_messages
      3. ↑ Jeffrey Fermin. Employee Relations Expert. Expert Interview. Wednesday, August 9, 2023.
      4. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/7-ways-to-give-an-apology-4-ways-to-accept-one#3
      5. ↑ https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/texting-teens-adults-communication-0726126
      6. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/7-ways-to-give-an-apology-4-ways-to-accept-one#3
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/managing-your-mindset/201506/5-steps-apology-really-works
      8. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/7-ways-to-give-an-apology-4-ways-to-accept-one#1
      9. ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/apologies.html
      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/make-it-right/202010/how-recognize-and-respond-fake-apology
      2. ↑ Jeffrey Fermin. Employee Relations Expert. Expert Interview. Wednesday, August 9, 2023.
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/managing-your-mindset/201506/5-steps-apology-really-works
      4. ↑ Julianne Cantarella. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 6 August 2021.
      5. ↑ https://www.apa.org/news/podcasts/speaking-of-psychology/apologize
      6. ↑ https://www.canr.msu.edu/news/forgiveness_the_impacts_of_an_apology
      7. ↑ https://hms.harvard.edu/sites/default/files/Departments/Ombuds%20Office/files/M.Wagner.ColumbiaUniversity.OmbudsOffice.ThePowerofApologies.pdf
      8. ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/apologies.html
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/managing-your-mindset/201506/5-steps-apology-really-works
      10. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/7-ways-to-give-an-apology-4-ways-to-accept-one#2

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