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Find out if your boyfriend is being honest, as well as the best way to confront him
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There’s very little that’s more painful than finding out your boyfriend has a habit of lying. Not only does it hurt that he lied, but it can leave you wondering if and when he might try to pull the wool over your eyes again. So, how do you know when your boyfriend is lying, and how do you respond? Is there a way to move past his dishonesty, or can you never trust him again? Keep reading for expert tips on how to learn how to handle a lying boyfriend.
Steps
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His body language is suspicious. According to behavioral specialists, people who are lying tend to exhibit certain body language cues that make it easy to spot a lie. Look for these body language cues to determine if your boyfriend is telling a lie. For example: [1] X Research source
- He may itch his nose often and his nose may turn red. This is known as the Pinocchio Sign, as a lie causes your cells to release histamine, which can cause your nose to itch and become swollen.
- He may also exhibit negation cues, like covering or blocking his mouth and rubbing or putting his hand over his eyes, his nose, or his ears. He may also avoid making eye contact with you or turn his body or head away from you as he speaks.
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His speech patterns change. You may notice that your boyfriend’s regular tone of voice shifts when he is telling a lie. He may also stammer, pause for long periods of time, or have unusual intonations. A sudden change in his speech patterns when he is talking about a certain subject, person, or event may be a sign that he is telling a lie. [2] X Research sourceAdvertisement
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He's talking more than usual. Similar to the physical Pinocchio effect, your boyfriend may demonstrate a Pinocchio effect in his word choice as well. Often, people who lie tend to use many more words when lying in an effort to hide the lie or distract you from the lie. [3] X Research source
- According to a study by the Harvard Business School, liars tend to use more swear words when they speak, as they are so focused on the lie they neglect to use proper terms or clean language.
- Your boyfriend may also use the third person when lying to distance himself from the lie he is telling you and he may try to change the subject quickly after he has told a lie to avoid drawing attention to it.
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Confront him with honesty and openness. If you have caught your boyfriend in a lie , you can’t simply demand he stop lying to you. You cannot control your boyfriend’s desire to lie to you, or his ability to lie to you. However, you may be able to control whether he gets away with the lie. Confronting him calmly and clearly will ensure you control how the conversation goes between you both. [4] X Research source
- Rather than tell him, “I know you’re lying” or “You’re a liar,” give him the opportunity to be honest with you. Tell him: “I think there’s something going on that you’re worried about or that you don’t want me to know about. I think it’s time that we bring it out into the open so we can handle it together.”
- This will indicate to your boyfriend that you want to be honest and open with each other and that you aren’t trying to accuse him of lying. Instead, you’re letting him make amends and come clean on his own about the lies.
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Consider his motivation for lying. Though people may lie for many different reasons, in general, people tell lies to hide something from another person, to hurt another person, or to make themselves seem greater or better than they really are. It may be helpful for you to consider which reason may be motivating your boyfriend to lie to you. [5] X Research source
- If your boyfriend is lying to you to keep something from you, it may be useful to approach his lie as a way to reveal a truth he is hiding. If you and your boyfriend are just starting to date seriously, he may lie to you to hype himself up to you and make himself seem more worthy of your attention.
- However, if you think your boyfriend may be motivated to lie to you to hurt you, consider if his lies are a red flag that there are other issues in the relationship that need to be addressed.
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Consider the context around his lie. If you catch him in a lie or notice telltale signs he’s lying when he’s speaking to you, think about what you were talking about together that triggered the lie or motivated him to lie. You could be discussing an event you were both supposed to attend together, but he backed out at the last minute, or you may be talking about a person he works with. [6] X Research source
- Thinking about the context of the lie may also help you determine why he felt the need to lie to you. This way, when you confront him, you can explain why you think he is lying and be honest and open about your feelings.
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Discuss reasons why he may have lied. Allow your boyfriend to provide reasons for his lies, but be wary of excuses. He may have felt pressured not to be honest about his behavior because he knew you wouldn't approve or that you would get upset if you found out. He may also be hiding an addiction or a personal problem that he does not want you to know about. Focus on ways that you can work together to try to help him deal with his issue or problem so he no longer feels the need to lie to you.
- If your boyfriend is lying due to an addiction or a personal issue, you may suggest that he go for help in the form of AA or substance abuse counseling, or that he consider talking to a therapist about his issues. This will give him other ways to work on his personal issues without having to lie to you or to anyone else in his life.
- "Jin, I hate that you lied, but I understand why you did it and I want to help you work through this problem—that's what I'm here for."
- If your boyfriend is lying due to an addiction or a personal issue, you may suggest that he go for help in the form of AA or substance abuse counseling, or that he consider talking to a therapist about his issues. This will give him other ways to work on his personal issues without having to lie to you or to anyone else in his life.
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Make it clear you don’t appreciate being lied to. Once you have given your boyfriend the opportunity to come clean, give him time to consider his response. If he explains that he did lie to you and the reason why he lied to you, let him know you won’t tolerate being lied to anymore. [7] X Research source
- If you’re prepared to forgive him and move on from the lies, tell him so while making it clear you won’t stand for dishonesty in the future: “Dan, I really care about you and I’m glad we could talk about this and work through it. But in order for this relationship to work, I need to feel like I can trust you.”
- "Carlow, I'm really disappointed that you lied. But I love you, and I want to work through this together. Next time, just come to me to talk, please. I'm here to help."
- If you’re prepared to forgive him and move on from the lies, tell him so while making it clear you won’t stand for dishonesty in the future: “Dan, I really care about you and I’m glad we could talk about this and work through it. But in order for this relationship to work, I need to feel like I can trust you.”
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Reevaluate your relationship to see if it's worth staying together. Your boyfriend's lies aren't automatic signs it's time to break up, but it's important to consider how his dishonesty is affecting your relationship. At the end of the conversation with your boyfriend about his lies, it may be useful to take a step back and analyze your relationship. Though your boyfriend may offer good reasons for his lies, if he lies to you regularly, you may want to consider if his lies are signs of deeper issues in your relationship. [8] X Research source
- Does your boyfriend lie to you often? Do you have difficulty trusting your boyfriend? Have you confronted him about his lying before, and seen no change in his behavior? If you answer “yes” to any of these questions, your boyfriend’s lies may be part of a destructive pattern in your relationship and you may want to consider if it is worth it to continue your relationship or if it's best to end things .
- Frequent and consistent lying can also be signs of a potential personality disorder. These cannot be changed through simple conversation. If this is the case, you may need to consider if this is the right relationship dynamic for you at this moment.
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Avoid blaming yourself for your boyfriend's lies. If you have complained about your boyfriend's behavior before, you may feel like you are partly to blame for him covering up his bad habit or behavior. But it's important to remember that you’re not to blame for your boyfriend's lies, as only your boyfriend can be responsible for his behavior. Part of being in a mature relationship is being willing to take responsibility for one's own actions. Your boyfriend has to be willing to take the blame for his lies.
- Remember, whatever his motivations for lying, he wasn’t “forced” to lie: it was a choice he made, and it is his responsibility to own up to their choice.
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Move on by forgiving him and practicing mutual honesty. If you want to move forward and leave your boyfriend's lies in the past, it may not be easy, depending on the gravity of his deception and his motivations, but it's possible with time and patience. Trust is hard to rebuild, but by practicing mutual transparency and having regular check-ins about how you're both feeling, you can learn to trust your boyfriend fully again. You may even have a stronger relationship than before, in time.
- In order to move past his deception, your boyfriend must be truly apologetic and open to changing his behavior to be more forthright and transparent.
- Depending on what he lied about, you might set some ground rules with him to help earn back your trust : for example, you might ask for access to his phone or social media, or expect him home by a certain time every night.
- Over time, your ability to trust him in small matters (such as getting home when he promised he would) is likely to build up until you trust him more fully again.
- In order to move past his deception, your boyfriend must be truly apologetic and open to changing his behavior to be more forthright and transparent.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionHow do you stop lying in a relationship?Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).If you have been called on it by the other person, make a concerted effort to begin telling the truth. Let them know of your plan. Ask yourself what you are afraid of; we often lie because we are afraid of something.
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QuestionHow can I tell if my boyfriend is lying through text?Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).I'm not sure you can. It's easier to tell when you talk in person because you can look for indicators like lack of eye contact or facial redness, etc. However, if there is a pattern like canceling get-togethers at the last moment with various unusual explanations, that might indicate that he's lying.
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QuestionHow do you confront a lying boyfriend?Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).Let him know that you know he has been lying to you and provide specific examples. Do your best to remain calm, even though you are likely upset and angry.
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References
- ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/07/19/4-red-flags-your-partner-_n_5586018.html
- ↑ http://www.bustle.com/articles/77212-is-my-boyfriend-lying-to-me-9-signs-your-partner-is-a-liar-liar-pants-on
- ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/07/19/4-red-flags-your-partner-_n_5586018.html
- ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/07/19/4-red-flags-your-partner-_n_5586018.html
- ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/07/19/4-red-flags-your-partner-_n_5586018.html
- ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/07/19/4-red-flags-your-partner-_n_5586018.html
- ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/07/19/4-red-flags-your-partner-_n_5586018.html
- ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/07/19/4-red-flags-your-partner-_n_5586018.html
About This Article
Article Summary
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If you think your boyfriend is lying, confirm that he is by paying attention to his tone of voice and body language, since people who lie often avoid eye contact or stammer. Avoid blaming yourself for his behavior, but also put yourself in his shoes and think about why he may have lied. Then, have an honest talk, but avoid accusing him by expressing your concern and giving him the chance to be honest. After your conversation, it’s a good idea to take some time to yourself and consider how the lie has affected your relationship and how you’ll move forward. To learn more from our Social Worker co-author, like how to discuss how you feel about him lying, keep reading the article!
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